NASA has finally discovered a new life form on our neighbouring planet Mars. The slimy beings, which strangely resemble TV botherer and crap pop star Myleene Klass are said to be ‘tepid’. “Mars is totally swarming with the vacuous beings” said NASA’s managing director Hank Woodruft, “they’re everywhere and they’re upsetting to look at”.
The Martians are said to be harmless one-celled beings and not very intelligent. They are not able to speak but secrete a nauseating sound that makes you want to kill yourself.
The NASA administrator who spotted the aliens said, “I was just gorping through the telescope whilst eating me Big Mac meal and suddenly all these cold brown eyes stared back at me. How we never saw their massive moon-faces before beats the shit out of me”.
Professor Stephen Hawkins was somewhat sceptical about the discovery, “we must not attempt to communicate with them, they may look vacuous, but one day they could infiltrate our lives and we would not be able to escape their scary, and slightly mongy, stare”.
President Obama’s index finger is said to be ‘tentative’.
A henchman of glossop-glazed panchan served on a slough of micro-beaded frou-frou.
Gordon Ramsay has come under fire this week for failing to provide adequate descriptions for his food.
The Trading Standards Authority was contacted by an enraged diner who ordered ‘suckling urchin en papillote served with a brine shrimp aspic and a seasonal medley of distressed West Watford tubers’ at Ramsay’s Petrus restaurant, and received limp steamed fish and two boiled potatoes.
Diner Janice Tittsout said she was “disappointed” by the top chef’s efforts.
“I spent £55 on something that looked like something my dog sicked up,” she said. “It didn’t even have any parsley on the side. I can cook this shit at home, I don't expect it at what's supposed to be a top restaurant.”
Closer investigation by Gusset News reporters, who dined undercover on Tuesday, revealed that Ramsay’s ‘partially sedated live monkey, bamboo shoots and papaya, moistened with coconut hollandaise, wrapped in grilled banana leaves and presented on a skewer’ turned out to be Wetherspoons meat curry.
A ‘miniature gateau flavoured with liquorice from the Spanish Maine concealing a heart of liquid fire glazed with quince jelly and served on lapsang creme anglaise with baby pear and finished with an arabesque of purest gold’ was a glace cherry with a garnish of egg yolk.
When confronted in his kitchen, disgusted Ramsay furiously denied the charges, saying he had merely taken “fucking poetic license.”
“I’m an artist, yeah? A fucking artist. And this is what artists do. They fucking embellish. If you don’t fucking like it, you can kiss my hirsute posterior, sweatily presented in an enclothed nylon pantile.”
At this point, Ramsay became so angry he had to sit down and demanded a lustre of water freshly drawn from a Swiss seaside spa town and presented au naturel in a cylinder of glass.
The Football Association proudly released a report today stating that professional football players were not accused of rape, sexual abuse, or domestic violence for an entire week during the month of February 2003.
FA spokesman Les Dennis said “it amazed us all that footballers managed to last this long without assaulting a woman (allegedly), the longest period before this was 2 hours and 12 seconds”.
He went on to say, “footballers are harmless really and some wouldn’t even kill a monkey”.
The seven-day period was unfortunately broken by Bromsgrove United player, Ross Kemp, who was accused of gang raping four pensioners at a car boot sale on 26th February 2003.
Ex-football player David Essex grunted, “most of ‘em ask for it anyways, the filfy slaaaags”.
The report also states that other crimes such as kidnapping and murder have gone down by a record 0.24 per cent in 10 years.
US horseracing fans are in turmoil today as Sarah Jessica Parker, the strong favourite for Saturday's 136th Kentucky Derby, was withdrawn from the race because of swelling in her left front leg.
Trainer Chris Evans said, “We are disappointed, SJP has won six consecutive races since August 2009 and we knew she would do well in the Derby however her last couple of gallops have not been up to par."
Why the long face, Sarah?
The stakes are high for rivals Camilla Parker Bowles and Tori Spelling who have welcomed the loss of competition.
“She’s a fine thoroughbred and has an exceptional trainer but this has given a chance for us outsiders” said Spelling who is well worth a shot at 50:1.
Meanwhile dog food giants Pedigree Chum have eagerly offered $140.76 for the hooved harlot.
Female hygiene aid company Tena Lady is fuming after pictures of David Cameron wearing a Tena Lady pad were used to promote the Conservative campaign.
Cameron before and after he began using Tena Lady products.
Pictures of Cameron brown nosing commoners at Stratford’s Rattancat Abbatoir show the Tory leader smiling, secure in the knowledge that no involuntary leaks will show up on his carefully pressed Saville Row suit.
Tena Lady spokeswoman Sheree Drysdale said the company is “pissed”. “We don’t back the Conservatives and we definitely don’t want to be plugging the gaps in Cameron’s campaign, so to speak.”
The Tena Lady empire was founded on Labour ideals, Drysdale said. Tena Lady was created in 1932 by furnishings factory worker Tena Lady. Lady was enraged at the Conservative laws of the time which forbid women from taking more than one bathroom break each day. She created her first pad using scraps of fabric she gathered from the factory floor, selling the reuseable items at tuppence a bag.
Today’s laws are more favourable towards the bladder-challenged, but this doesn’t stop the Tena Lady empire from anger at Cameron’s “slimy” attempt at connecting with voters.
“We’re asking Labour supporters all over Britain to travel to the Conservative headquarters at 30 Millbank, Westminster, and urinate on the door on May 1,” Drysdale said. May 1 is traditionally associated with global protests against capitalism, and Drysdale hopes people will take advantage of the general lawlessness of the day and “smother the streets in piss”.
Meanwhile, openly conservative company Huggies have jumped into the fray, sending Samantha Cameron a bumper pack of adult size Night Night nappies, with careful instructions on application and tips on avoiding nappy rash. Mrs Cameron is expecting her fourth child and will no doubt be pleased to have an oversized infant on whom to refresh her mothering technique.
Thursday, 22 April 2010
Cameron sinks like Titanic
Last nights live televised Parliamentary debate ended up in an ugly stare off after Conservative leader David Cameron accused The Liberal Democrats of “smelling of wee” and claimed that Gordon Brown was “still a virgin”. The Labour leader replied “I know I am but what are you?” Nick Clegg branded the Conservative leader “immature!”
Then in a shock move that amazed the on looking studio audience, the Lib. Dem and Labour leaders joined forces to stare down the beleaguered Cameron in a terrifying stare off that lasted nearly 5 minutes.
After the show Sky News political editor Adam Boulton who was quizmaster general had this to say, “It was well harsh I thought Cameron was going to cry, he looked well scared! I just laughed my head off”.
The stare down reached its dramatic climax when David Cameron told the two other leaders to “grow up”. To which they laughed and told him he was “totally owned”. The debate ended with all three candidates looking sincere, claiming it to be a great victory.
The Queen proved to a gaggle of photographers last night that she wasn't too old to party. This photo, taken outside London's trendy Sketch bar shows her having a wale of a time with mates Camilla Parker-Bowles and Carol Vordeman. Our source said the three of them got matching tramp stamps on their lower backs during a girly holiday to Tenerife last month.
Queen Elizabeth, who turned 84 yesterday had a lovely meal at London's The Ivy before staggering to Sketch at midnight, "I saw her down 5 pints of Guinness and 3 Zambuccas" said Kate Moss. Onlookers said she looked like he was having a good time. "I was in the lady's and couldn't believe the f*cking Queen came in, she asked to borrow my deodorant but I said I don't care who you are no-one touches my roll-on" said Amy Winehouse.
THE ROYAL WEE
A few moments after this was taken a journalist said "She ran off behind a taxi, pulled her jeans down, and had a wee. I'm gonna sack my photographer - the bellend ran out of f*cking film the f*cking c*@t!"
The Queen has cancelled all events today due to a Royal Hangover.
“The American NBA is in meltdown and ready to implode in on itself and drag the entire universe in with it” was the provocative headline that welcomed American sports fans last weekend in a leading sports newspaper.
American Sports Daily revealed that a scientific study has discovered the average height of American basketball players has fallen slightly in the last 10 years from 7' 2” to a pint-sized 3' 10”. The findings have been met with mixed responses from players, the NBA and sports fan alike: disbelief, contempt, anger and surprise.
Butch Netball, the goal attack for the Washington Giants said, “I'm not short, I'm tall.” Last year's NBA leading goal net point score winner Chuck Ball fumed “is that why our shorts always look so big?”
Experts say if this trend continues it will destroy the great game of basketball. As nets are now too high, we will see lower-scoring games, rendering the game even more boring which will in turn affect ticket sales. Here are last night’s results:
The Daily Mail claims today that new scientific evidence proves that voting for David Cameron at the upcoming election will cure cancer. The report also claims that “voting for Nick Clegg will give you bad AIDS and voting for Gordon Brown will give you mild thrush”.
According to The Mail the research, conducted by first year drama students at King’s College London, shows that “cancer sufferers released a hormone called klaggiporuscraboxide when informed in controlled conditions that David Cameron was running the country under a Tory government”. Terminally ill patient Jason Woodruff was given just 2 hours to live but made a complete recovery “I couldn’t believe it, it’s a miracle, even my hair grew back instantly!
The research also shows that healthy subjects caught bad AIDS when informed the Lib Dems were running the country.
New opinion polls show that the Tories are now well ahead with 83 per cent.
Labour representative Arthur Conduit said: “this is a ridiculous made up fact from worried right wing Journalists in response to recent opinion polls which show David Cameron is as popular a choice for running the country as an out-of-date Scotched Egg”.
The Daily Mail will not affect your statutory rights.
Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg has pledged to help every British citizen left stranded by cancelled flights personally: by swimming across the channel to fetch them himself.
Clegg has lashed out at Gordon Brown’s “drastic measure” in sending naval ships to pick up tourists whose flight plans have been interrupted by the ongoing ash plume from Eyjafjallajokull.
“It’s a drastic measure and a huge waste of cash”, the election hopeful said, adding that he has his own ideas on how to waste cash in the event of his reaching office, and they don’t really involve helping other people.
Clegg was also moved by the plight of those who have been forced to post themselves home in large parcels. “It just goes to show how desperate people are to come back to this great, but Labour-ravaged country of ours."
Instead, Clegg has vowed to swim to the areas with the highest concentration of British tourists and bring them back himself. A rubber harness around his torso will trail ropes that will attach to a rubber dinghy capable of carrying up to ten people.
Clegg’s vow has sparked excitement and a resurgence of hope at airports all over the European continent. Pensioner Marjorie Banks is camped out in Majorca Airport and in a phone call to the Gusset Muncher HQ described the atmosphere as “jingoistic”.
“When the announcement came over the loudspeakers, everyone jumped up and started cheering and crying and waving Lib Dem flags. I haven’t seen anything like this since the war ended,” the 70-year-old said, choking back tears. “It were proper Blitz spirit. God bless Mr Clegg, he’s saved us all.”
The Robinson family, stranded in Switzerland, were so inspired by Clegg’s gesture the six of them – including a toddler and a wheelchair-bound disabled uncle - plan to walk from the landlocked country to the South of France, where they hope to meet Clegg at the coast in time for a lift back to their home in Leicester.
“It’s a long way to walk, and we’re worried how our two-year-old will do when we cross the alps, but if Nick can do it then by God we can too,” said inspired father Andrew Robinson.
Clegg doggy-paddled out to sea this morning after a brief ceremony at Portsmouth, where thousands of cheering fans turned out to wish him well.
"He's a proper hero," wept mother-of-seven Sharon Razzer, whose son is stranded in Ibiza. "Gordo and Dave are just sitting round counting their cash and laughing while Nick battles the elements to bring our boys home."
Clegg will be accompanied by three British naval war ships to ensure his safety. It is predicted the rescue effort will take up to 25 years.
British holiday makers trapped abroad because of the alleged volcanic ash cloud have started posting themselves home to avoid inflated travel prices. A spokesman for Royal Mail said “we found a family of four in a box addressed to Birmingham. It’s pretty dangerous. I mean even if it’s got ‘fragile’ on it we’ll still kick it about and hit it with spanners”.
Apparently posting a large envelope the weight of a fat brummy not only costs less but will arrive sooner than waiting for airlines to re-open. Transport Secretary Lord Adonis said “Mail from Europe comes on them freight trains and big ships so obviously it gets here faster.”
Eurostar is quoting between £2000-£90,000 for standard fares for passengers, whilst European operators are charging extortionate amounts for car hire and taxis.
Flight companies have confirmed that even if the flight ban is lifted tomorrow there won’t be any free seats until December 2012.
Many postal travellers have arrived safely at their homes in the UK but there were a few minor incidents: Marjory and Trevor West from Bromley arrived this morning but there was no-one in to sign for them so they were re-routed to the depot. Bill Bradley from Stoke wrote his postcode wrong and has ended up in Singapore. Kirsty Watts from Darlington was folded in half despite the prominent ‘Do not Bend’ sign and is recovering in Darlington General.
Royal Mail have confirmed that they do not recommend people posting.
The spectacular eruption of Mt Eyjafjallajokull last week has caused chaos to travellers and sparked fears of health problems from falling ash.
But one expert suggests the volcano may never have erupted at all.
Department of Tectonic Activity head volcanologist Martin Prithee believes the small island nation has pulled off the world’s greatest PR stunt, using cleverly edited footage to fool the world into thinking a spectacular eruption is taking place.
Experts believe eruption images like this may be fabricated.
“Eyjafjallajokull is a dormant volcano,” Prithee said. “Looking at the seismic data there is just no way it could erupt, not without substantial prior tectonic activity.”
Prithee said the DTA had been closely monitoring the country and was “dumbfounded” to hear of the eruption.
“[The DTA] is very sceptical,” he said.
Prithee believes Iceland has fabricated the eruption and what we’ve been seeing on the news is heavily edited footage of the 1994 Usami eruption in Indonesia.
“I think what we’re seeing is a world-class PR stunt,” he said.
Iceland was hit hard by the financial crisis and has been struggling to keep afloat. The International Monetary Fund has just loaned the beleaguered nation £2.1 billion.
Prithee believes the eruption is an elaborate ploy to bring tourist dollars to the cash-strapped country.
“Just think about it – Iceland’s population is around 300,000. The IMF loan is around £2 billion. It’s a daunting debt and they’re looking at clever ways to pay their £6666 individual debts back.”
Prithee believes PR guru Max Clifford may be behind the stunt. Clifford, who counts Madeline McCann’s parents and Jordan among his clients, denies the claim.
“I have no involvement with the eruption of Mt Eyjafjallajokull.” He said fluently. “But I wish the people of Iceland well. It’s a beautiful country with hospitable people, striking mountains and wondrous geysers. And with flights starting at £54.99 return from Gatwick Airport, it’s cheaper and easier to visit than ever before.”
However, the stunt may have backfired, with thousands of stranded travellers venting their wrath at the small, ice-covered country as they pace back and forth in airports all over the world.
“I f*&king hate Iceland,” said Deirdre Barnes, a Southport woman stranded at Skegness Airport. “They’re a nation of rotten-meat eating, dog-licking peasants and they can suck my balls. Thanks to Iceland it looks like I’ll be stuck in Skegness forever.”
Quite frankly, we're all bored of the General Election and so are the MPs.
In order to release some of the election tension the candidates' wives have released these special pictures of their gorgeous selves.
So please feast your eyes on these beauties (and just for fun Cherie Blair joined in too).
The photos have had such positive feedback that parliament are considering releasing a calendar of 'Leader's Wives' for 2011.
Unfortunately some of the images are a bit revealing, but luckily Bob Carolgees' cheery face conceals any stray lady-parts.
The images feature the lovely Jackie Griffin in bondage attire.
Miriam Clegg shows us her lovely jublees on her favourite Debenhams Duvet.
Samantha Cameron looks amazing in PVC "It's very easy to clean, you just wipe everything off with a damp sponge" she said.
Sarah Brown shows off her well groomed lady garden "Gordon loves me to get it all out in the open air" she laughed "we once did it in Tesco carpark it was well funny"
And Cherie Blair sent in one of her holiday snaps. She said: "I love my baps and I'm very proud of them".
We love them too Cherie!
Despite Gordon Brown being a bit busy n that at the moment, he did have time to comment "I've always been a fan of Reader's Wives in Razzle so was delighted that Sam(antha) agreed to get her kit off. It's just a bif of fun innit. Maybe we'll do a lads calendar for release in time for the Olympics in 2012".
We hope you get as much enjoyment out of these as we did.
A cutback in government funding has lead to the Police Force implementing a series of new crimes to raise revenue.
Chief of Police Detective Constable Peter Sutcliffe said “this new measure not only helps us with the deficit loss from the government but will also help us crack down on crime which can only be better for everyone, can’t it! Plus we’re getting new gold plated helmets which is ace.”
The list of 137 new crimes was published today, but won’t be effective until Thursday next week. The list includes:
Barging with intent: a person bumping into another person in the street could now be fined up to £1000. This has enraged City workers in London “How am I supposed to get to my office if I don’t barge into at least five people wearing a less expensive suit that me!” said banker Justin Flannel from Balham.
Jaywalking: most shocking on the new list is that jaywalkers can now face up to four years in prison. Local residents in the town of Bromsgrove are in protest and plan to Jaywalk local cross roads every day until Thursday .
Swearing: Unless you have a recognised impairment such as Tourettes Syndrome, swearers can face between £80 and £2000 depending on the offensive word. “Bum, tits and minge-flaps cost £80 per offence, but C*nt and Nigg*r are at the top of the scale at £2000 a piece” Sutcliffe shouted as he was arrested by a colleague.
Flatulence on public transport: It will now only be legal to fart on trains, buses and tubes between 7am and 7pm. Pensioner Maureen Jiggings said “this is ridiculous, how are we expected to hold in a guff between Mile End and Bow!”
The list also includes winking with intent, mincing in white jeans, pigeon licking, denying the existence of zombies and buying porn on a Sunday.
Farting in areoplanes will remain legal until the volcano cloud disperses.
London’s top celebrity impersonation company has been rocked by the revelation that many of their impersonators are actually the stars themselves.
Hard-up celebrities have allegedly been posing as impersonators posing as themselves, and attending office parties, birthday dos and bar mitzvahs around London.
Stars under fire include the Krankies, Cherie Blair, Anne Robinson and Little Britain duo Matt Lucas and David Walliums, who are all employed by the You Looky Likey Lookalike Agency.
The practice first came to light when telecommunications company British Telecom booked a Craig David impersonator for a senior manager’s farewell party. When the impersonator reached the office, the staff knew there was a mistake.
“The impersonator didn’t look like [Craig David] at all,” said human resources manager Sharon Hickson.
“Well, he looked kind of like him, but like Craig David would if he was really down and out and a complete failure.”
It was when the impersonator began to sing the assembled staff knew something was up.
“We knew it was the real Craig David the second he opened his mouth,” Hickson said. “He couldn’t sing, he just mumbled everything and put no effort in. He looked bored and depressed, like even he knew how shit he was.”
BT staff were “gutted,” Hickson said.
“Everyone put in £2 to hear someone who could sing and that, and what we got was a shitty performance by a failed musician who can’t sing very well.”
Looky Likey Lookalike Agency spokesperson Matt Damon has strenuously denied the claims.
“All our impersonators are trained professionals,” he said. “Real celebrities are notoriously difficult to work with and we would never knowingly send one out on a job.”
Damon has promised a full audit of every impersonator on his books to ensure no genuine celebrities have managed to infiltrate the successful business.
