A gathering army of badgers is preparing to dispatch with local humans by whatever means necessary following claims that the local population is spreading STDs, drunkenness and unwanted pregnancies amongst the tunnelling creatures.
Statistics show a 20 per cent rise in abortions among badgers in the first six months of the year. Jobs that once went to the badger population, such as digging tunnels and gathering worms and berries, have been snapped up by humans, resulting in badger unemployment reaching an all-time high of 27 per cent.
Champion of badgers Brian May leads his comrades into battle.Traditionally abstinent creatures, badgers are also developing problems with alcohol and drugs as humans open more and more underground bars and clubs in badger strongholds.
The proposed badger cull in the region was the “last straw”, according to honorary badger and underground resistance leader Brian May. “Badgers are peaceable creatures unless provoked,” he said. “And these badgers have had enough of the victimisation they’ve received at the hands of the government and the local population.”
“The time of the humans is over,” he added. “And the time of the badger is at hand.”
Locals are warned to head for higher ground and pray the badgers don't think to tunnel upwards.
I'd like to stroke Brian May's curly love-locks.
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