Baby Number 3 Moves Into Number 10

Prime Ministers’ and now proud gay fathers, Mr. David Cameron and Mrs. Nick Clegg, have become only the third serving PM’s in modern times to have a baby while in No. 10. The first was Lord John Russell who was prime minister when he became a father on July 11, 1849, which was followed by Tony Blair with the birth of his son Leo on May 20th 2000.

David Cameron, brimming with pride, announced the birth of their daughter to the assembled press who had gathered outside a stable in Truro, Cornwall on 24th August 2010. Asked if they had decided on a name, Dave said they had settled on Florence David Rose Nick Endellion Ming Thatcher Paddy Gordon Kennedy Major Steel Duncan Cable Smith Clegg Cameron Clegg Cameron Clegg Clegg Clegg Cameron Cameron Clegg-Cameron, adding that it was a real coalition name to epitomise the bright new future under the new Government.

The new parents share an embrace outside their home.

Downing Street said that the happy couple had received congratulatory messages from the Queen, the Prince of Wales and his horse, Gordon and Sarah Brown, mini French President Nicolas Sarkozy and his concubines, Elton John, Priscilla Queen of the Desert, Quentin Crisp, Gary Glitter, Gay News and God.

Nick was due to give birth in mid-September but began to have contractions after a particularly hot curry and some après dinner bum-fun with some invited state dignitaries. He was taken by car at about 8am on Tuesday for a check-up at a hospital close by and the horrifically ugly baby was delivered by penile-caesarean section shortly before lunchtime using keyhole surgical methods performed through a glory hole.

David Cameron said on Tuesday: "Everything seemed to go fine. Nick woke up this morning and thought he was having ring-piece contractions and it was all beginning to get going so we thought we'd come to the hospital just to get everything checked out. Then things sped up and it all happened very, very quickly and the baby popped out of his bell-end at about 12 o'clock while I was eating my lunch”

He continued, "It seemed to be doing fine and my job was to make the toast and tea and things like that. It's absolutely thrilling, really exciting, and it's just lovely that Nick and baby are doing so well. I’m really going to get smashed tonight; I’ve already done a few lines to celebrate."

The Prime Minister said he was “shocked” by the early arrival. “I always thought it was possible because Nick had been restless for a couple of days and wouldn’t let me in balls deep, so to speak. The next thing I knew we had a baby. Fuck! Bastard told me he was on the pill.”

MINCH NORTON

Nick Clegg books 'temp' to cover PM role

It's not every day that an employment agency receives a phone call from the deputy prime minister of Great Britain asking for a 'temp'.

Staff at Reed Employment in High Holborn were surprised yet listless when they received the booking from Parliament, but dealt with the situation quickly and professionally yesterday. Branch manager Peggy Wilcox told Gusset News: "Nick Clegg just like rang up. He asked for a temp to cover the Prime Minister for two weeks, covering paternity leave or something".

Prime Minister David Cameron went on paternity leave at short notice yesterday after the unexpected premature birth of his baby daughter, named Florence Combine-Harvester Endellion Cameron, in a hospital in Cornwall.

Nick Clegg tries to operate the laminating machine

Nick Clegg rang the temping agency after panicking that he couldn't work the franking machine and was confused by the V: Lookup function on MS excel. Mrs Wilcox said, "He sent us a job description, bless him. It had three typos and included phrases like 'must know how to cut NHS budgets and work as part of a team'".

Reed Employment have finished shortlisting CVs and plan to send in twenty one year-old Tracy Stanton, a recent geography graduate who has used four different types of switchboards and can find the 'insert a table' function on the 2007 version of MS Word.

Tracy starts work at 9am tomorrow on a competitive rate of £10.50 per hour (including holiday pay).

Boris unrepentant after toddler tanty

Boris Johnson threw a paddy in Central London's Regent Street today, throwing his favourite red ball into the street.

The London Mayor was told by staff at toy store Hamley's that he was "too old and too big" to go on the Wibbly Wobbly Wabbit ride, a miniature, rabbit-themed train ride for under-fives.



The flop-haired toff ran outside screaming and threw his treasured red ball, 'binky bongle', into the street.

The sulky mayor then instructed London Metropolitan officers to close the surrounding roads to traffic to search for binky bongle, an operation that cost taxpayers £35,000.

Boris was given a glass of tepid milk and sent to bed. A representative from the mayoral office said Boris was "overtired".

Police Ban on Genitals

The Police force came under scrutiny this week for having inappropriate genitals.

Chiefs are to impose a major crack-down on police genitals such as cock and flange, but will also ban nipples and bums. At a press conference this morning, Chief Superintendent Percy Forncloth said “officers are unable to catch criminals because their genitals get in the way”.

He went on to say, “the police force should have smooth areas like Action Man, Barbie and The Smurfs”.

Police have been ordered to remove all genitalia of an appropriate nature by the end of the year.

Officers say they should be allowed to decide whether or not they have genitals while catching criminals. “I love my cock and never get it out when I’m chasing robbers, it’s not fair”, an angry officer told Gusset News today.

The Police Force say they will carry out random spot checks next year. Any officers with genitalia shall be removed from the beat and made to do filing, tea-making or filling in forms.

Cheryl Cole to be infected with Aids virus

The publicity surrounding Cheryl Cole’s malaria treatment has been so effective that her PR team is considering having the singer contract the Aids virus.

Cheryl, 27, contracted malaria on a visit to Tanzania with her boyfriend Derek Hough. Upon her return to England she became ill and Hough quickly called The Mirror and The Sun before rushing her to hospital.

Fortunately for the future of pop music, the singer is now on the mend and is planning to return to Africa to hand out mosquito nets in a bid to send sales of her latest album, I’m Not a Racist Because I’ve Been to Africa, through the roof.

Cheryl’s PR team, who smoothed the waters after the singer and X Factor judge assaulted a black toilet attendant in 2003, are excited about further opportunities for the entertainer.

“The whole country fell to its knees when Cheryl was admitted to hospital,” PR guru Max Clifford said. “They completely forgot that she can’t sing well and that she hit that black woman and called her a ‘black bitch’ in 2003. Cheryl is like a racist Princess Diana.”

Sick: Cheryl Cole's impractical wardrobe meant she was fair game for mozzies.

Clifford is in talks with doctors about having Cheryl infected with the Aids virus. If handled correctly, the virus could bring about benefit concerts and enormously successful singles for the purveyor of forgettable pop.

“With today’s medicine, it’s still possible to live normally with the Aids virus,” said Clifford. “Cheryl will have a good ten years – which also happens to be the lifespan of a mediocre popstar.”

Dr Kelly investigation was led by a dinner lady

A ‘forensic scientist’ who investigated the death Dr David Kelly was in fact a dinner lady called Maureen.


The Government report, found on a bus by our Gusset reporter, reveals that the dinner lady had no formal training in forensic science but ‘once saw a trailer for CSI and looked intelligent with a clipboard’.

There are calls for a new inquiry into the death of Dr Kelly, a weapons inspector, who apparently committed suicide (but was probably murdered) after he said that the Government “sexed-up” a dossier that made it look cool to bomb a Middle East country that had loads of oil that Britain and America could ‘take over’.

Senior detectives last night expressed surprise that a dinner lady had been sent to the scene when Dr Kelly’s body was found in a forest near his home in 2003.

Before the dinner lady was asked to investigate Dr. Kelly’s death she had spent most of her working life at a small infant school in Wigan. “A man who said he was from the Government asked me if I knew anything about forensic science, so I says ‘no’, so he says ‘great, we need you to do this job...” said Maureen, who’s now retired as a dinner lady.

The dinner lady’s suicide verdict on Dr. Kelly’s death has now been questioned by leading doctors, lawyers and catering staff who support the demand for a full inquest.

The dinner lady was not called to give evidence at the inquiry because she had to help serve orange squash at the school play.

Tony Blair, an unconvicted war criminal who now works for a Middle East country with loads of oil, said “it is common knowledge that forensic scientists should go to college and be qualified, and stuff, so I have no idea how or why a dinner lady ended up leading this investigation”.

The new inquiry will now be carried out by a chef from Bolton.

£72 Billion Debt Forces MOD To Buy Tesco Range

Dr. Liam Fox, The Secretary of State for Defence, has today unveiled his massive cutbacks in MOD spending. Citing the £72 billion worth of debt left by the previous Labour Government as the cause for the severe money saving strategy, Dr. Fox said that “…the Labour chickens had come home to roost”. In the strictest cutbacks since Lord Kitchener ordered the front line troops of the Great War to “Bombard the bosche with empty bully beef tins” in an effort to save on ammunition costs, Dr. Fox has stated that the Military Chiefs will now be held accountable and have more say in how their budget is spent. Canceling all orders for new weapons and equipment from the US, BAE, France and the Taliban, the Secretary for State has issued each Military Chief with their own Club Card and instructions to purchase weapons, ammunition, equipment and various land, sea and air craft from the recently launched Tesco value range of defence products.

“With double points on everything over fifty quid, we’re on a win-win deal with Tesco”, the Secretary said.

When questioned if he thought that the blue and white striped design of the Tesco value range of military clothing for example, may make British soldiers stand out in the killing fields in Afghanistan and Iraq, Dr Fox stated that, “Just by moving our purchases to the value range we will save an estimated £21 billion just on uniforms alone. Our overall plan is then to replace our EuroFighter Typhoon Jets with Cessna crop spraying planes at a saving of £3.4 billion, which will then fly over the combat zones spraying blue and white stripes across the battle field, making our boys on the front line almost completely invisible”.

When challenged further on the effectiveness of catapults firing dried peas against the favoured RPG of the Taliban, Dr. Fox commented that, “Dennis The Menace and The Bash Street Kids have successfully used the catapult for years with glowing results, and there is nothing worse than the sting of a dried pea hitting you on the earlobe to really demoralize your enemy”.

Further cuts will see the Challenger 2 British Army battle tanks being phased out and replaced with Halfords own brand mountain bikes over the next six months. And the infantry’s full kit will now include a sewing needle and thread, with instructions to repair any bullet holes that may be accumulated in the line of duty before passing out and dying. Failure to render the uniform fit to be ‘handed down’ will result in Court-Martial.

In a bid to lead by example Dr. Fox said he will continue to advertise bingo and donate 2% of his fee to the MOD fund.

Minch Norton