Photos David Cameron tried to ban

Prime Minister David Cameron, Downing Street, today tried to ban a series of naked photos stolen by hackers from various politician's phones. Photos included David and Samantha Cameron naked and wearing highly flammable nylon shell suits.

Fortunately Judge Wendy Richards threw the case out of court so we can all have a look at the offending photos.

Jimmy Savile’s Ghost Caught Molesting Children

Even death hasn’t stopped Jimmy Savile from molesting children claims a new report.

New Scotland Yard published a report today stating that Sir Jimmy Savile has allegedly fiddled with seventeen kids since his death less than a year ago.

Jimmy in his heyday, probably thinking about kids

Witnesses state they saw the spirit of the late Top of the Pops presenter loitering outside a sweet shop in Peckham. “The dodgy looking ghoul seemed to groan in pleasure as my son exited the shop with a dib dab”. Said Judy Dench from the Old Kent Road. The mother of three went on to describe how the ghost rubbed it’s thighs as other children came out with bacon crisps.

The BBC denies these claims stating that that the Jim’ll Fix It ghost merely has a penchant for sherbet and Frazzles.

A spokesman for New Scotland Yard said that a warrant was out for Savile’s arrest but the spirit has walked through six police vehicles already. “Only Derek Acorah can help us now” said the chief of police.

Other parents claim that the paedo poltergeist followed some teenagers to school and got it's bum out in Mothercare. 

My work here is done...

Obama's flap over Turkey's name may prompt name change for nation

Turkish president Recep Tayyip Erdoğan is said to be considering changing his country’s name after US President Obama confessed that he had confused the Eurasian nation of 72 million people with the large bird that Americans eat at Thanksgiving.

The two leaders met at the G20 summit in Mexico last week. When introduced, Obama looked confused, saying “Turkey?” and shaking his head blankly before excusing himself to go to the toilet.

I'm the leader of Turkey the country, not the bird, Erdogan explains to Obama.

 Later, the two leaders found themselves seated together in the G20 canteen during the lunchbreak. Over jacket potatoes, Obama apologised to Erdogan, confessing that he occasionally became “confused” by the country and the bird of the same name.

As they stood to leave the US president suggested that Erdogan think about changing the name of his country. Obama is renowned for his amusing quips but Erdogan, not known for his sense of fun, nodded and wrote the suggestion down in his notebook.

Our G20 Gusset News insider overheard the Turkish president discussing potential names with Australian PM Julia Guillard at breakfast the next day. Guillard suggested “Turkmenistan” but a quick Google revealed that this name was already taken, as was Wales, Spain and Nigeria.

Walthamstow Mattress Reveals His Favourite Hotspots

Abandoned mattress Matthew Truss has been wandering the streets of Walthamstow since his owner got a king-size memory foam last Christmas. Gusset News talks to Matt about the best places to hang out in Walthamstow.

Hi there. This is me just chilling in my old owners front garden. I really liked their garden because the bins gossiped about the neighbour's fridge and that was really awesome. 'White goods' are a mattress's natural nemesis. I was was pretty cold though, especially when it rained. I still sometimes go back but it makes me feel sad. 

Higham Hill Road, E17 is one of my favourite places to hang out. It's great for car watching, which I do with my mates. When it's cold we bundle together to keep warm. It's fun being an abandoned mattress in Walthamstow but it has it's ups and downs. Higham Hill Road has a lot of different cars, buses and motorbikes so there's a lot to see.

Forest Road is also a great spot for watching cars and if you're lucky you'll see lots of police cars too. I like sirens. Me and my mate Jeff often hang out in people's gardens along Forest Road and have a few beers. There are some great off licenses on Forest Road and they serve us even though we're only two years old. LOL. Jeff is my best mate but sometimes he smells of wee.

Some of the more quiet roads in the stow are fun to hang out on, especially if you're gonna get up to some mischief or if you don't want to get picked up by the council. This is me and some mates on Wellington Road, E17. We spent a whole day arguing with that dumb fridge. Fridges are stupid. This fridge was abandoned even though it worked. LOL. 

My most favourite garden in Walthamstow is this one on Gloucester Road. I like touching the bike and pretending I can ride it. My girlfriend Di (she's the one I'm kissing) lives in this garden, hence why it's my favourite. The bin is really friendly too and keeps a look-out for council vehicles while we're having a cheeky snog. 

Clarendon Road, E17 is the Hoxton of Walthamstow. You're no-one unless you hang out here regularly. It's so cool that even celebrities copy the rare chic of the 'Clarendon Clique'. I'm not cool enough to hang out here; something to do with the wrong kind of check. But I don't care because the cars on that road are rubbish.

Never hang out on Pretoria Avenue. There are many ASBO sofa gangs. Sofas are scary. Pretoria Avenue may have some awesome cars to watch, but it's not worth the risk.

Thank you Matt for your contribution. Do check out other Mattresses of Walthamstow for insights into the coolest places to hang-out and what sheets to wear this Autumn.

Olympics Ban Audi Logo

The London Organising Committee of the Olympic and Paralympic Games (LOGOC) is taking legal action against Audi claiming its logo breaches copyright.

The official organisers of the Olympics™ have ordered that car manufacturer Audi change its logo, which features four silver rings, to something that looks significantly different. “It looks too much like ours which has five rings” said a LOCOG spokesperson, “They should change it to a rabbit or banana or something so long at it doesn’t look like ours”.

The new Audi logo

Audi have used the four-ring logo since the 1960s, however LOCOG claims “we were here first, since Ancient Greek times actually, so there”.

Lord Sebastian Coe™, who invented the five-ring logo, defended the Olympics™ with: “the common taxpayer would probably confuse an Olympic Stadium™ with a German car, which could cause traffic problems”.

LOCOG is set to ban all logos featuring rings, zeros or the letter ‘o’. It has already filed a claim against Google, Mercedes, and even Childline; ordered to change its phone number because “all those zeros could be confusing”.

Walthamstow to be Hidden from Olympic Visitors

The London suburb of Walthamstow is to be hidden under a giant sheet of tarpaulin during the Olympics in a controversial bid to conceal the poor from London 2012 visitors.

The Olympic Delivery Authority (ODA) has requested that chavs, hooligans and pound shops in the area of Walthamstow should be kept out of sight during the Games. However, the only way the council can conceive such a plan is to cover the entire area in a sheet of tarpaulin resembling the idyllic London town of Richmond when viewed from a certain angle at Stratford.

Visitors to the Olympics will not have to witness the full horrors of the stow at all as the tarpaulin will be erected a week before the Games start. 

 A typical Walthamstow street will soon look like this

The Leader of Waltham Forest council, Cllr Basil Fawlty told Gusset News: “the ODA is like well in charge of everything and higher up than God so we have to lie down and let them bum us. Oops did I say that out loud?”

The ODA claims its sponsors have the right to ensure their brands are presented in the highest quality format possible. “Adidas and McDonald's do not wish to be associated with the likes of hoodies or the overweight”, said an ODA spokesperson.

Fifth Version of Munch's The Scream Fetches £1 at Auction

Munch's 'The Scream' may have been sold for a record breaking $120m, however, a fifth version of the painting, recently discovered in a small East London suburb called Walthamstow, sold for £1 by a market trader to a pensioner called Les.

Walthamstow is famous for its abandoned mattresses and was responsible for the 'Celebrities that look like Mattresses' series. But now it seems Walthamstow has inspired many famous artists, who visited the small town during their primary years and created many famous works of art.


Later this month, these other rare pieces will be up for auction on Walthamstow Market:

If you would like to know more about Walthamstow visit The Walthamstow (unofficial) Tourist Board where you will be able to buy postcards, calendars and go on an organised tour of abandoned mattresses.


This quirky town recently voted Brian Harvey for Mayor, but when your choice is the bumbling buffoon and bendy-bus botherer Boris Johnson, or Ken Barlow, who can blame them?

Just in Case You Were Unsure if You Are a Murderer

80% of iPad Owners Don’t Know Why They Own One.

As Apple prepares for its iPad 3 launch for Christmas 2011, a recent study shows that most iPad owners are still perplexed as to why they own one.

Charlotte Hucker, a recruitment consultant from Clapham and regular user of the iPad 2 said: “I’ve had an iPad for six months and I love it. I dunno what it does or what it’s for but I love it. It’s pink!”

Apple boss Steve Jobs promises that the iPad 3 will be even more thinner, faster and prettier than the iPad 2, and that the iPad 4 (to be launched in Summer 2012), will be even thinner, faster and prettier than the iPad 3. “The iPad 3 will make dull people think they are more intelligent, interesting and good-looking than they actually are”.

Eager iPad 2 owners have already started queuing outside the Apple Store on Regent Street ready for the pre-Christmas rush. Jeff Dromgood, a fanny magnet, from Wigan said “It’ll be just the same as my iPad 2 and slighter bigger and the same as my iPod touch but it will be more thinner, faster and prettier. I dunno what I’ll use it for but I love it! I think”.

Edinburgh International Film Festival Film Reviews

Our resident film critic Barbarella Fox reviews this year's films at: Edinburgh International film festival.

Dumped Divans of E17

Cameron in Tory Mash-up to Celebrate 40th Anniversary of Misuse of Drugs Act.

David Cameron plans to commemorate this week’s 40th Anniversary of Misuse of Drugs Act 1971, with a ‘massive bender’ at no. 10.

David at last year's bender

The invites went out to fellow MPs this morning and some were more excited than others by the celebrations. Tweezer dodger Ann Widdicombe said, “Drugs are naughty and make you grow things on your thighs. We should set an example and just drink Chardonnay or Merlot”.

Cameron has been heavily criticised for this contradictory drug orgy. He has no plans to decriminalise drug possession, or legalise whiffy skunk, despite a harsh letter campaign by a host of celebrities.

“Criminalising drug users like us makes us look like we live in bins but we’re just like everyone else and like getting muntered at the weekend”, said Dame Judi Dench, Leader of the campaign.

Other celebrities including Sir Richard Branson, Moira Stewart and that fat one from ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ have been urging Cameron to look again at the current drug’s legislation. “We want to make it easier to get proper good quality drugs that haven’t been cut with Alistair Darling’s eyebrows”. Said Moira.

Wikileaks reveals marry, shag, push off a cliff game

WIKILEAKS UPDATE

The latest leaked diplomatic cable reveals world leaders played a two-year game of ‘marry, shag, throw off a cliff,’ Gusset News can reveal today.

Records show that between 2008 and this year, US President Barack Obama, British Prime Minister David Cameron and serial philandering octogenarian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi egged each other on to decide which world leaders and heads of state they would rather wed, engage in intercourse with or murder.

OBAMA

President Obama, already floundering after losing the majority voice in the US House of Representatives, will be reeling today after his decision to push the governor of Alaska Sarah Palin off a cliff was made public. As for his other choices, Hilary Clinton and Condaleeza Rice, Obama wrote that he would spend a night with Hilary and marry "phat Condy".

"Shag Margaret Thatcher, yes please!"

CAMERON

David Cameron controversially chose to push his wife Samantha off a cliff, shag hero Margaret Thatcher and marry Labour leader Ed Milliband. “Completing the unification of Britain’s political parties wiv my dick lol!”

BERLUSCONI

No stranger to controversy, Berlusconi is probably the least bothered of the lot by the revelations. The Italian PM chose to shag Anne Widdicome, saying “This won't go any further, right?” In a break from the game’s rules, the PM decided he would push French President Nicholas Sarkozy off a cliff before marrying his supermodel ex wife, Carla Brunei.

"We could've got Ireland a better deal" say Meerkats

International business entrepreneurial sex symbol, and Meerkat, Aleksandr Orlov, said he could have easily given Ireland a competative interest rate of around 4.9% for the €85bn loan had they come to his website comparethemeerkat.com.

The EU, however, decided to borrow money from loan sharks at a stonking rate of 5.8%.

The loan, which will mostly be used for betting, buying second-hand cars and burning horses, is expected to cost every Irish household €5245 per year in interest alone.

"Simples! We compare hundreds of interest rates and could have bailed Ireland out for a much cheaper rate". Said the Russian website owner. "We'd have saved them enough money to buy a Cheeky Girl".

Pope condemns Babelfish after translation errors

After a disgruntled tramp found differently translated versions of a book by Pope Benedict XVI in a bin, Vatican CIty has excreted a series of spastic excuses.

The Vatican has been cutting costs and admitted using free online translation service 'Babelfish' to translate official interviews with the Pope for his book ' Light of the World'.

The original version, in Italian, apparently said: 'use of a condom by an HIV-infected male prostitute may be a good idea'. However, the English and German translations state: 'all tracksuit wearing AIDS-ridden council skanks, like Cheryl Cole, must use condoms or face death by stoning'.

Pope Benedict XVI, originally from Germany, who can speak many languages including German, blamed an 'inept temp' for the error. He said "this poxy temp has made me look like a xenophobic paedo-okayer with out-of-date idealisms, for which I can only apologise".

Danny Dyer, official spokesman for the working classes told Gusset News: "This is a f***ing bull*** excuse. The c***ing Pope clearly doesn't want c***s like me to breed or enjoy the pleasures of f***ing without the consequences of having some c***-faced brat to bring up"

The Vatican clarified that the ban on the use of condoms, or any other device, for sexy fun purposes remains. However when you translate this with Babelfish it says: "The remnant Vatican prohibits some Welsh cheeses but likes to bark at cars."

Pudsey in Jordan sex romp scandal

The BBC is reeling after allegations that Children in Need bear Pudsey was seen engaging in lewd behaviour in a Soho nightclub.

The yellow bear, who is instantly recognisable by his distinctive eye patch, spent a night in Soho’s Tits Up club with brash bimbo Katie Price and some other sluts in the wee hours of Sunday morning. The group spent the evening drinking tequila and became more rowdy as the night went on.

The giant yellow bear was celebrating the BBC’s effort in raising £18 million for children in need on Friday night.

Sick: Pudsey wears an eye patch to get girls.

“The bear was wearing nothing but an eye patch and a sleazy grin,” said cocktail waitress Sandy. “He kept grabbing my arse as I went by and when I complained he called me a ‘frigid lesbian bitch’.”

Another waitress complained that Pudsey had offered her £1,500 for her to defecate in his mouth, a practice known as bricking.

Reports are also circulating that Katie Price was seen giving Pudsey oral relief beneath the table while the bear shouted “anyone else wanna get their mouths round my furry c*&k?”

Pudsey’s former girlfriend, Fearne Cotton, recently hit the news for saying that the bear was a “womanising arsehole”. She also claimed that there was nothing wrong with Pudsey’s right eye, and that the eye patch was merely a ploy to attract vulnerable young women.

The BBC has refused to comment.

Prime Ministers in Other Countries are Cunts Too say Scientists

Scientific research commissioned by United Nations has proved that members of parliament, president-types and Prime Ministers are cunts, regardless of which country they hail from.

Professor Dean Gaffney lead the research project originally set up in 1996. He told Gusset News: "We were expecting that only 80-85% of MPs would actually be complete and utter cuntfucks, and so we were surprised by the findings. Some MPs are merely wankers and knob-jockeys. But 99.8% of them are cunts". He went on to list the main findings of the research:

- Tony Blair was a mega cunt from day 1 but the invasion of Iraq sent him off the cuntometer.

- Barack Obama was expected to be a reasonable decent bloke but it turns out he's a complete cunt.

- Silvio Berlusconi was merely an ancient penis last week, but now he's 100% cunt for spending $10,000,000,000 defacing another ancient penis.

- Nicolas Sarkozy is a racist cunt for banning burkas and the Welsh from France.

Nick Clegg is only a small cunt for his insignificunt role in the British government

The list of government cunts is endless and a full list of cunts near you can be found here:

MPs across Britain and Europe mostly agree with these findings, unless their opposition agree.

Somali Hostages Were Trapped in Margaret Thatcher's Hair

The nation is in shock today after the Somali pirate hostages reveal that they were in fact trapped inside Margaret Thatcher's hair all along.

Paul and Rachel Chandler revealed to Gusset News the horrors of their hostage hair hell: "We're just happy to be alive!"

 "No-one heard our cries for help..."

The couple were walking around Belgravia in 1996 when a gust of wind blew them into the iron lady's bouffant barnet, where they remained until yesterday.

Mrs Thatcher was completely unaware that the couple were trapped inside her fuzzy frizz until fourteen years later when a nurse at the private Cromwell Hospital brushed her hair: "her hairbrush got stuck in Paul Chandler's foot and he popped out", revealed the nurse. "He was skinny and bony and but so relieved to be freed".

"We just want to get back to our normal lives" revealed the Chandlers, who have missed out on many historic events including Tony Blair's war on Iraq, banker's bonuses during a recession and MP's fraudulent expenses claims.

"We are so happy to be among decent, everyday people."

Meanwhile, the Cromwell nurse has since found Lord Lucan in the Baroness's beehive and FBI officials eagerly await the possible finding of Osama Bin Laden.

Jesus face found on wank sock

Jesus’ face frequently appears on Marmite jars, drainpipes and fields but Simon Marshall from Lincoln was surprised to find Jesus’ face in his favourite wank sock.

“At first I thought it was Noel Edmonds, but when I looked closer I realised it was Jesus H Chris!” Said Mr Marshall, who noticed the stain as he put his wank sock in the washing machine.

The estate agent went on to say: “It’s my favourite wank sock, it’s a wool mix and never stiffens. I’m honoured that Jesus decided to appear and it’s obviously a message to say I should stop wanking but I love it.”

After discovering the religious stain Mr. Marshall took the sock to his local church where the Reverend Paul Yarrow of the Church of Holy Trinity confirmed that the wank stain was a genuine representation of Christ. He said “Yep. That’s him”.

Mr Marshall is selling his wank sock on Gumtree and confirms that this incident will not stop him from wanking.