George Michael's oil rig humiliation

Toilet skulker and soft-core drug user George Michael has been handed down a sentence of public humiliation by an unsympathetic judge.

The singer-songwriter got blazed after Sunday’s Gay Pride parade and careened into the front of a Snappy Snaps store.

At the Walthamstow District Court on Tuesday morning Judge John Dredd told Michael to “sort yourself out,” referring to the camp crooner’s habit of picking up cops in toilets and hot boxing his car in public places.

As an unrepentant Michael shrugged his stoned shoulders, Judge Dredd gave what he termed “the harshest sentence I’ve ever had to hand down”: 150 hours’ public humiliation. The sentence will see the former Wham singer forced to visit a series of Atlantic sea oilrigs while wearing a sandwich board bearing the legend: “Too cute to be straight.”

Oil rigs have not been kind to gay entertainers in the past. In 1985, flamboyant American entertainer Liberace met his death on a North Sea oil rig, where he was dismembered after an impromptu cabaret performance of Hello Dolly. In 1990, Freddie Mercury was forced to swim almost 1500 miles after an Ann Summers party on a Gulf of Mexico rig went badly wrong.

As George Michael’s fans around the world anxiously await his fate, the man himself is philosophical about the sentence.

“I’ve made a bong out of an old fish tank,” he said. “I’m not going to remember any of this.”

'Witch Hunt' for Psychic Octopus

Paul the psychic octopus has received death threats from enraged Germans on a mass octo-hunt.

Angry Germans believe that the gifted mollusc is a witch who should be burnt at the stake after he correctly predicted Germany will lose against Spain in the recent world cup semi final.

Germans, from all over Germany, will hunt down and burn all 'psy pi' (psychic octopi) until the real Paul is found. "We can't do the drowning thing, normally done to witches, because they live in the sea and can swim n that," said Hans Schicklgruber, an angry German football fan.

an angry German football fan

Paul's keepers have taken him to a secret place so he can concentrate on predicting the correct winner of the FIFA world cup 2010. "He's not a witch, he's been right every time but he's not evil. He doesn't even own a broom," said a concerned keeper. "We're not trying to make money from him, I mean, this Rolex is only 9ct gold."

Meanwhile bbqs are being set up in every German town and village, ready for the ceremonious burning.

BREAKING NEWS: Paul has predicted that England will win the world cup!

Raoul Moat: scent of a killer

Uber-tanned gunman Raoul Moat is planning to release a line of fragrances.

According to cosmetic giant Avon, Moat, who is currently on the run after shooting his ex girlfriend, killing her lover and attacking a policeman, is exactly what “real men” wish to smell like.

Avon spokeswoman Barbara Windsor said Moat’s new fragrance, Laceration, will appeal to metrosexuals who want a little more masculinity in their lives. “People are moving away from pretty-boy perfume and into the realm of real men,” said Windsor. “They want to smell like kerosene and the inside of men’s clubs.”


The scent will contain notes of the chavvy shotgun-toter’s own pheromones, tan-tainted sweat, stereoids and desperation.

“Raoul is not afraid to stand up for what he believes in,” said Windsor. “In today’s PC-gone-mad we’re told we’re not allowed to wield a shotgun or assault children or women. Now, one brave chav is defending his right to be a man.“

Moat is also said to be in talks with Heat Magazine about writing a agony aunt column.

Tony Blair’s make-up cost taxpayers £750,000

The enormous cost of maintaining Tony Blair’s looks is to be investigated after it was revealed his make-up artists were costing £750,000 per year, half of which were expenses alone.

The make-up artists, funded by taxpayers, stay in five-star hotels, eat caviar and drink posh cocktails as they follow the former Prime Minister around the world. “One even claimed for a packet of Percy Pigs from M&S”, said an angry taxpayer.

Mr Blair, who famously sent British troops to fight an (alleged) illegal war in the Middle East now works as a Middle East mediator, earning himself an astonishing £20m p.a. (ote).

Current Prime Minister David Cameron said this needed to be reviewed. "Obviously former Prime Ministers need to look cute, but we have to make sure it isn’t costing taxpayers more than is necessary."

Our Gusset source revealed the £750,000 make-up bill for 09/10 also included the following:

Hairspray:        £5,700

Mascara:          £4,200

Blusher:           £3,800

Manicures:       £6,300

Pedicures:           £900

Botox:           £29,800
Fake tan:          £29.67

Tampax:          £9,800

It also showed an expenses bill from Mr Blair's ten-person make-up team from a recent holiday to Tenerife, totalling £43,000. This included a £6,000 bar bill. Mr Blair apparently did not even wear any make-up during the seven day holiday.

Not all taxpayers are angry at the ridiculous expenses: “I think it’s vitally important that our former Prime Ministers look deliciously pretty at all times, and I don’t mind if that’s what my tax goes on”, said Cheryl Blain from Wigan.

Hot Russian Spy ‘Conditioned’ in UK

MINCH NORTON

The ex-husband of alleged Super Hot Russian Spy Babe, Anna Chapman, said he suspects she was "conditioned" by shadowy contacts when living in London. Alex Chapmanovski, 30, from Bournemouth, was married to the Russian babe for four years before they divorced in 2006.

The flame-haired 28-year-old wank-inducing super-hot uber spy babe is one of 11 people accused by the US of working as secret agents for Russia's intelligence service, the SVR.

Trainee psychiatrist Chapmanovski told officers that his suspicions were first aroused when he’d come home and always find Chapman with her back to him sitting in a large black leather swivel-chair, stroking a white cat. “As soon as I entered the room she’d swivel round and say, ‘Ah Mr Chapmanovski vee have been expecting you’”. He also recalled that she had an amazing collection of designer shoes, each with a retractable stiletto blade mechanism cleverly built into the toe. “I had no idea at the time but now it’s all making sense”.

Anna Chapman on her way to Asda

When shown photographs of their matrimonial bedroom and the wall that pivots 180 degrees to reveal a satellite communications system, a rocket launcing and guidance control panel and an array of high tech weaponry, Chapmanovski appeared to be dumbfounded, claiming that he presumed the equipment was his ex-wife’s health and beauty products and she would beat the shit out of him if he ever went near it.

Of her transition from wife to spy, Chapmanovski explained: "There was such a dramatic change, I felt I hardly knew her any more. She wore black leather all the time and when she arranged to meet friends, she wouldn’t invite me. She said I’d be bored because they’d all be speaking in Russian and discussing world domination”.

Rapists, retards to suffer under new electoral system

An innovative new electoral system will award votes to voters according to their usefulness. Under the proposed system, everyone will be given votes in proportion to the contribution they make to society. The high end of the scale will see service workers like firemen and policemen given six votes each. At the other end of the spectrum coffin dodgers, bureaucrats and rapists will receive one vote each.

Fashion bloggers, people who say ‘music is my life’ and anyone who has ever waited until they get to the front of a long queue before getting their money out to see how much they have will all be disqualified from voting.

Policemen, construction workers and cowboys will all be allowed six votes under the system.

Instead of multiple polling booths, which made voting easily accessible for anyone, even those that didn’t really care and hadn’t thought properly how they should cast their vote, there will be just one polling station. However, as a concession to convenience, this will be stationed in Haltwhistle, Northumberland, considered by many to be the geographical centre of Britain. To save public funds, the polling station will be staffed by three volunteers from the local Women’s Institute.

“It’s a progressive move and one that is greatly needed if we ever want to see change in our lifetime,” said fireman Michael Bolton. “I have six times as much to say as a criminal or a retard and the new system will reflect that.”

However, a rag-tag group of spastics, the elderly, and criminals will march on parliament today to express their displeasure at the proposal."Rapists are people too," said marcher and rapist Peter Sutcliffe. "The government would do well to remember that. Especially that sexy Ann Widdecombe."

Uruguayan Referee Given New Identity

International hate figure, Jorge Larrionda, is to be given a new identity and will be moved to a secret location in the Antarctic.

It has been reported that the Uruguayan referee, who disallowed England's equalizing goal with Germany just before half time on Sunday's World Cup match, has more than 100 professionally hired assassins after him, as well as half a million angry football fans who have already burnt effigies of the fiend in Trafalger Square. "If I get my hands on him I'll move them goal-posts where the sun never shines", spurted angry fan, Fabio Capello.

Larrionda, whose children have been bullied at school since the spastic non-sightedness of their father, said he was 'delighted' that FIFA have funded his move to the Earth's armpit, "I am a massive cunt and everyone hates me, they'll never find me and I'm never apologising for my cock up, so there".

FIFA have also arranged for Larrionda's family to have face transplants, concealing their identities for life. Kevin Arnold, CEO at FIFA said "we've recently received four face donations from Ghana so there's no chance of the family being recognised in the snowy hell-hole".

Meanwhile, Gusset artists have compiled this impression of what the mongheaded referee, and his unfortunate family, will look like with their new Ghanaian face transplants.: