McDonalds to Sponsor The Lazy

Up to 29.16 million people could be forced to "get up off their lazy arses and get a fucking job" according to a new ConDem dossier to cut benefits.

Families on jobseekers allowance will no longer be able to afford wide screen TVs, ipads and Sky TV. However, American food giants McDonald's have stepped in and saved the day with their 'sponsoring a layabout' initiative.

Layabouts on on the scheme will have to wear McDonald's logos at all times and eat only at Maccy D's or else their benefit will cease. Families on the scheme are said to be 'delighted'. Martin Chugnut, a working class oik from Ilford said "I'd be fucking honoured to wear the Golden Arches accross my man-tits".

A chav enjoys sponsored rations

Labour has criticised the scheme claiming that the sponsorship deal with McDonald's is a form of "social cleansing" to build a wider gap between the rich and the poor. Labour leader Ed Miliband said, "It is tantamount to labelling the poor as slobs and will obviously be a strain on the NHS". He went on to say, "Isn't 'tantamount' a wicked word, it just rolls off the tongue!"

David Cameron has dismissed the claims saying "it will mean the working classes will still be able to afford to do the things they like doing like darts and cider. Nothing will change".

There are now talks of the UK's Disability Allowance being sponsored by Adidas.

NASA: The Moon Really is Made of Cheese

Nasa confirmed last night that the moon is actually made from cheese.

Nasa told Gusset News that during its recent scientific mission involving throwing heavy stuff like gas ovens at the moon, produced a cloud of cheesy crumbs.

The crumbs were analysed and showed that at least 25% of the moon's service is made from parmesan and showed traces of camembert, rockfort and Babybel. Nasa scientist Jeff Bridges said that 'operation gas appliance' had revealed that the Moon is more complex than they had previously believed. "We like totally thought the moon was made up of a compound of stuff like carbon, sodium, mercury and rocks but it like totally isn't".

An exclusive Nasa photo shows rocks found on the moon

Scientists are astonished by the results and researchers at King's College London believe that the cheese has been deposited there by prankster aliens over many millions of years.

There is concern that with the onset of global warming the surface if the moon could melt. Professor Ryan Giggs at Nasa said "the earth could turn into a massive fondue set, anyone with a diary allergy should consult a doctor right away".

WIKI-SLAPPING IS THE NEW BLACK SAYS BARACK OBAMA

Gusset News officially launches new pointless annoying game Wiki-Slapping 'the happy slapping of Wikipedia'.

Wiki-Slapping is as easy as Barbara Windsor:

1. Graffiti Wikipedia
2. Wait for your silly/tasteless/childish edits to get on Google
3. Take a screen shot
4. Upload it here (or email it to wiki@gussetnews.com)

Remember - it's not Wiki-Slapping unless it's on Google.

See the FAQs for advise and shit

Richard and Judy divorce

Britain's favourite double-act Richard and Judy are set to divorce after 24 years of marriage.

A secret source told Gusset News that Judy filed for divorce this morning after discovering a stash of dodgy photographs in Richard's sock drawer: "She had no idea what Richard was up to". The 24 photographs depicted Richard Madeley wearing his Ali G costume whilst cupping the testicles of Ross Kemp.

Madeley met the ex-Eastenders hardman when he came on the Richard and Judy show over ten years ago. The pair did not get on at first but Madeley lured him into their marital home with cheap wine and out-of-date twiglets.

Madeley denies having a bromance with the Mitchel Brother and insists that the photos have been photoshopped. His agent, Gary Midgely, said: "My client has never fondled the man-bags of any ex-Eastenders actor. This is clearly some evil hoax".

"I never cupped no nads!"

Ross Kemp refused to comment on the matter but a close friend said he was upset that he never received any twiglets.

Osama Bin Laden seen on Chatroulette

After the Chilean Miner rescue operation accidentally unearthed Osama Bin Laden yesterday it seems the bearded terrorist has been seeking human company yet again.

Bored teenagers Cheryl Tweedy and Dean Gaffney were surfing through social webchat site Chat Roulette last night when the FBI's most wanted terrorist popped up on their screen. "We didn't realise it was him until he told us he'd bombed the Twin Towers", said Emo-kid Cheryl. "He seemed really friendly and we got him to take his top off".

"LOL"

Bin Laden apparently joked about his beard length and generally seemed quite 'lonely' and 'sad'. "He said he missed playing Snakes and Ladders with his friend Saddam", said Gaffney. "LMAO".

The teenagers, both from Worthing, West Sussex, tried to ring the FBI but by then the multi-international murderer had 'skipped' to another Chat Roulette user who was most probably a man with his penis out. According to Wikipedia the odds for getting a wanker on Chat Roulette are now just 3:1 since Paul Daniels' PC broke down.

Osama Bin hiding with Chilean miners

Rescue workers bringing the 33 trapped Chilean miners to the surface had the surprise of their lives this morning when they unearthed a 34th person.

Osama Bin Laden, who has been on the run for more than a decade after bombing Americans, was discovered huddling under a blanket behind one of the men. His first words to the world were “death to America.” Police offers were alerted but by the time they arrived the canny Arab had slipped down another hole in the vicinity.

Puzzled officials speculate that the space where the miners sheltered for 70 days was so crowded that one more body didn’t make any difference.

Newly freed Miner Julio Iglasias said Bin Laden had gone largely unnoticed while they were down the hole. “He kept himself to himself,” he said. “But he seemed like a nice, polite man.”

HOROSCOPES

Paul the psychic octopus has released October's horoscopes

Sir Alan Sugar's Secret Support

Sir Alan Sugar has revealed that he will wear a ladies bra for the next series of The Apprentice.

Britain's favourite entrepreneur is said to be feeling self conscious about his drooping man-bags and has opted for an underwired b-cup.

Top bra makers, Bravissimo, have created a specially designed man bra for the fluffy tycoon. Bravissimo's Managing Director, Dean Gaffney, said, "It's an unusual request but we try not to discriminate. Sir Alan has particularly large nipples so we have created a double-gusseted cup to hide all kinds of excitement".

Sir Alan was said to be 'chuffed' with his magenta multi-print moob-holder. "It's dead comfy, I forget I've got it on", said Sir Alan.

When asked whether he was concerned that his potential apprentices might laugh at his unusual undergarment choice he replied "Many respectable businessmen wear ladies underwear. Osama Bin Laden wears a strapless bra on weekdays and Duncan Bannatyne wears tights".

The next series of The Apprentice starts next Wednesday, which coincides with 'National Camisole-wearing Day'.

British icon Paul Daniels found dead

Legendary British magician, Paul Daniels, has died today aged 143.

The micro-magician was found dead near his home in Berkshire after choking on his magic wand. His agent said, "Paul was trying to learn a new magic trick, which sadly backfired". He went on to say "The news comes only days after the man who invented Segways was killed by one. Paul invented magic, and it was magic that killed him".

The pint-sized trickster has graced our living rooms since TV was invented in 1885 with his snazzy magic skills. He was known for his quick-fire fingers, walnut whip toupee and for placing spangley blonds in small boxes and slicing them up.

Paul's wife of 68 years, (the Lovely) Debbie McGee, was thought to be upset by her husband's sudden death, she said "he was my husband".

The news has shocked celebrities from all over the world. Nelson Mandela, a well-known fan of the crinkly midget, made the following statement: "He was my hero and my muse. Without his clever tricks and magic puns I would not be the man I am today."

Lady Gaga will dedicate her next album to Paul, she said, "I blame all these new-fangled magicians like Kenneth Branagh who do these clever things with mind-control or living inside glass boxes. Paul tried to keep up, but in the end it killed him. Tragic magic".

The funeral will be held next week in a small racist London suburb.