Cameron, Clegg bring 'Politics to Peasants'

MINCH NORTON

In copycat style of Gordon Brown, David Cameron, one of our Prime Ministers, held his first non-London based Cabinet meeting up North. Reports state the venue was in a place called Bradford but as anywhere North of London does not yet have electricity, roads or the combustion engine, this can neither be confirmed nor denied.

This jolly £200k jaunt is part of the Camer-Clegg PR campaign (pinched from the old New Labour administration) to bring ‘Politics to Peasants’ and is designed to boost the economic growth around the country and up North too.

“It is vitally important that we come to the heart of Britain and show these peasants that we stand shoulder to shoulder with them, just like all these minarets, in our determination to reduce the national deficit”, said Cameron as he donned a flat cap and whippet skin waistcoat.

Defending allegations that Prime Minister Clegg had “sold out” to form part of a coalition, Prime Minister Cameron insisted: “Nicky has been a major influence in all decision making. He decides what we have for tea, the theme of our dinner parties and buys my clothes. It really is a partnership.”

When asked to explain his Government's decision to cut unemployment benefit by 38 per cent in an area with 97 per cent unemployment like Bradford, a defiant Prime Minister Cameron claimed, “we all have to make sacrifices to get this country back in the black. And I mean all of us; I even had to settle for the filet mignon for lunch.”

Cameron and Clegg: "we're a partnership"

Speaking to the locals through an interpreter, the Prime Ministers made an elegant couple in matching Conran barely-black suits with underarm manbags. At one point they instructed one of their aides to hand out bars of coal tar soap to the crowd of seven who had been rounded up to witness this historic and patronising visit.

Hopes pinned on England's Spastic Cup chances

The England team has been given a chance to redeem itself following its 4-1 defeat against a World Cup German side.

The team’s consistently lacklustre performance has made them eligible to enter the Disabled World Cup, affectionately known as the Spastic Cup, in Belgium in 2011.

England has not won a single game of football since its World Cup win in 1966. Coach Fabio Capello has blamed the players’ poor performance this year on them being “tired”. Fortunately for the players, Spastic Cup games can be played from the comfort of wheelchairs that are pushed by volunteers, who can also kick if the players (known as 'spazzletes') become overly fatigued.

Spastic Cup rules are tailored to accommodate the spazzletes, with players allowed to pick up the ball, and smiley-face stickers given out for good teamwork. Spazzletes may not tackle each other or run.

Spastic Cup: A spazzlete spacks out after an own goal.

England fans are already crossing their fingers in hopes of a victory. Others weren’t so sure. “They’ll be up against the best blind, paraplegic and spazzletes in the world”, said one doubtful fan. “We’re fucked.”

The first match will be against a team of Romanian amputee orphans. Ladbrokes are tipping a Romanian spazzlete win at 145/1.

Coffin dodgers put to work

Ninety eight-year-old former police officer Stan Widdle retired 38 years ago. Yesterday he returned to his former role as a bobby on the beat, patrolling some of London’s most dangerous areas with his walking frame as part of a government scheme to get coffin-dodgers back into work.

The new scheme sees the retirement age raised to 105, effective immediately.

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith said old people still have “a very small part to play” in our society and they should allow society the benefit of their wisdom and life experience.

Pensioner’s playgrounds were empty today as coffin-dodgers dusted off their briefcases and toddled off to offices around Britain.

When Gusset News caught up with Mr Widdle he said he was finding the job a challenge, despite the wisdom old age has brought. He said he was tired and by midday he had forgotten what he was supposed to be doing and what his name was, despite wearing a nametag.

Thumbs up: Beatrice Ripple will retire in 21 years.

Eighty-four-year-old Beatrice Ripple landed a Boeing 767 for the first time in more than 20 years yesterday afternoon. She retired from her role as a BA pilot in 1989 due to sight problems, but the new law, which is firmly in line with today’s equal opportunities legislation, will see her take to the air once again – with the help of her seeing eye dog, Buster.

“It’s just marvellous,” Ripple said. “Yesterday I was knitting a bonnet for my great-grandson and today I’ve got the lives of thousands of people in my hands, haven’t I Buster?”

Older people who are unable to move at all are being put to use in other ways. Those with Parkinson’s Disease will be used as cocktail shakers while those unable to move or communicate at all will be gainfully employed as call centre workers and road workers.

Jesus's Face Found in Skid Marks

Laundry day turned into a holy event when Eunice Jiggins found the face of Jesus in her husband’s skid marks.

“There I was, separating the whites from darks, when I found myself looking into the eyes of the Son of God”, said Eunice. “We’d had a particularly potent curry last Monday and my husband was trumping like a Frenchman!”

Eunice shows Gusset Muncher her husband’s sacred skids.

Husband Jim, said he was surprised when he saw the artwork his bum produced. “I can’t believe God chose my gusset to send the world a message. It’s definitely Jesus, I know that face anywhere. It’s comforting to know he’s watching over us”.

Neighbours and residents from their home-town Bognor Regis have been queuing outside since the news spread. “They come every day and kiss the crusty brown marks of the Lord”, said housewife Eunice.

Not all are optimistic about the authenticity of the Lord’s gravy stains. “It looks more like Richard Madeley”, said Reverend Carmichael. “It’s not as good as the one in the Marmite jar, although it smells nicer”.

MS Sufferers get Class A drugs

Since the Government legally licensed the cannabis drug ‘Sativex’, there’s been a high demand for more ‘hardcore’ drugs from Multiple Sclerosis (MS) sufferers.

The medicinal benefits of cannabis were discovered over a thousand years ago in an allotment in East London by herbalist Arthur Fowler. The plant-botherer was a few tests away from finding a cure for cancer, but since discovering cannabis, he simply “couldn’t be bothered” to continue. He was found dead in a pile of Monster Munch wrappers by his wife, Pauline, in 1996.

‘Sativex’, which contains cannabis, helps MS sufferers with muscle hardening and spasticity, but it simply isn’t cool now it’s all above board.

“I used to enjoy skinning up some whiffy skunk with my dealer on the Old Kent Road. But since it all went legal I want something stronger and a bit naughty”, said an anonymous MS sufferer. “So I went to my GP and now I’m on a cocktail of heroin and acid. It thoroughly floats my boat.”

An anonymous MS sufferer awaits her acid fix

The new hardcore drugs, sponsored by Tesco, will soon be available to all MS sufferers. Sufferers can dispense prescriptions with drug dealers in their area for the normal prescription charge of £7.20.

Since the Government released this news celebrity pavement-licker, Pete Docherty, has sadly been diagnosed with this muscle wasting disease and doctors predict that the number of reported MS diagnoses is likely to rise by 500% by the end of the year.

Tackling ageing, the silent killer

Ageing: it's not a laughing matter.

The Government is to launch a campaign highlighting the dangers of ageing.

Ageing is growing more widespread, particularly among youth. The initiative will inform people of the side effects of ageing, including loss of hair, memory problems and not being able to climb the stairs as quickly as you used to be able to. In severe cases, ageing can lead to death.

Anti-ageing boss Geoffrey Nettles said yesterday: "Some people think ageing is cool and glamorous. We want people to know the facts and show them the harm they are doing to themselves." Research has shown that people who age regularly are four times more likely to die young, Nettles said.

Establishments that encourage ageing such as allotments and bingo halls will be targeted. Popular ageing accessories, such as slippers, pipes and Werthers Originals, will now see their packaging printed with shocking photographic images of greying hair, wrinkles and varicose veins.

The initiative has drawn criticism from some quarters. Gerald Attrick, head or pro ageing group P.A.G (Pro Ageing Group) said between naps "This is another prime example of the Government trying to turn Britain into a nanny state. If we want to age then why can’t we do so without meddling politicians and pop stars telling us we can’t? Who is this Cliff Richard anyway? It’s not music, you can’t hear the words. It’s just a noise, not like in my day."

For all the arguments raging about its introduction, some simply see the initiative as too little, too late. Malcolm Threep, 71, of Aberystwyth, is paying the price for many years of ageing. "I first aged when I was about 10," he says ruefully. "Everyone did it back then. Now I age at least five times a week, sometimes twice a day. I fear that soon it will kill me."

The plan for the Government is to ensure that the current generation do not have to face the same fate as Mr Threep.

Arthur Del Monte III

Nation's favourite newsreader in cockfighting scandal

Police raided newsreader Sir Trevor MacDonald’s Highgate residence this morning after they were alerted to an illegal cockfighting ring in his garden.

The newsreader and OBE recipient was led out of his house shamefaced during the raid, which uncovered a large network of cages and a sophisticated cock training facility in his garden. Seventy-five angry roosters were subdued by riot police stun guns when the Metropolitan officers failed to gain control of the prize fighters. One officer was pecked to death while another lost his eye during the skirmish.

Cock shame: Sir Trevor is arrested by police.

Rumours have long circulated around the ITV offices about MacDonald’s legendary cockfighting meets, which were allegedly attended by high profile newsreaders Moira Stuart and John Humphreys. Both are being questioned at Scotland Yard.

It’s thought that MacDonald, who was once named Britain’s Most Trustworthy Newsreader, has funded his lavish lifestyle including a holiday home in Southern France, a private submarine and a sanctuary for ex Page Three girls with the proceeds of the fights.

MacDonald’s next door neighbour, who asked not to be named, said the situation had reached “breaking point”.

MacDonald could be seen every morning at sunrise training his cocks, the neighbour said. “He would stride outside bare-chested, oil himself down and make all the cocks stand in a line. Then the poor birds would do boxing drills and endurance training while MacDonald screamed and whipped them.”

The neighbour said the atrocities he had seen from his upstairs bathroom window would stay with him forever.

“Last week I saw Britain’s favourite newsreader rip the head off a rooster with his bare hands and then rip out its entrails with his teeth as a treat for the other birds. You just don’t forget something like that.”

The roosters have been given a new home in London Zoo’s children’s petting zoo enclosure.