Prince Charles' shock Islam conversion

Prince Charles has converted to Islam in a bid to make the Royal Family more multicultural.

Although the monarchy has traditionally avoided associating with brown people, their waning popularity has prompted a move to get with the times. Charles was picked because the family unanimously agreed that he’d look the most awkward in flowing robes.

“The Royal Family has always been seen as a bit out of touch,” said the Windsors’ PR department. “This is a way of bringing a square, racist family into the 21^st century.”

Prince Charles has embraced the move and has been spotted praying at the Windsor mosque, speed-reading the Koran and devising mnemonics to memorise the five pillars of Islam: fire, water, earth, wind and heart.

The move comes as Muslims worldwide celebrate Ramadam. During the Muslim holy month Charles must refrain from eating, drinking, or riding wife Camilla Parker-Bowles during daylight hours. Parker-Bowles, who has had to convert along with her husband, is said to be livid about the move. However, she calmed down after receiving a sound beating from the heir to the throne after forgetting her burka on a lunchtime trip to Greggs.

Charles has used his newfound powers of Islam to put a jihad on the Queen after she mistakenly threw away his blanky.

Prince Phillip, well known for his racist rants, called his son a “curry-munching towel-head” and burnt a Q’uran at his gentleman's club in protest, a move which has enraged Mohammed.

The PR department’s other plans to funkify the palace include finally allowing Prince Edward to come out of the closet and having the Queen team up with Snoop Dog on his next album.

Pope's Commemorative Wank Sock Goes on Sale

Official merchandise and commemorative memorabilia to celebrate the Pope's visit to the UK have gone on sale today.  The pope's overrated and over anticipated visit on 16th September has brought feelings of apathy and nonchalance to an otherwise aroused Britain.

The Catholic Church has revealed some of its exclusive memorabilia in honour of its favourite zucchetto-wearing leader.

These briefs, previously only available to priests and bishops, will now be available to the common heathen. 

Available in Small, Medium, Large and Extra Large, these delightful 100% cotton briefs will make you feel like a sex on a stick.

The briefs come with classic Pope Benedict the 16th face logo and commemorative 2010 embroidery around the waist.

The Pope himself modelled these for the Catholic catalogue and told Gusset "this is all the Lord's creation, I am not smuggling a mitre would you believe!"

RRP. £13.99 + p&p

 This commemorative wank sock is exclusively available to Gusset Muncher subscribers only.

With its super absorbency it can handle 5-6 mop ups before going 'stiff as a board'. 

Comes with classic Pope Benedict the 16th face logo on both sides of the (w)ankle.

Benedict the 16th told Gusset, "There's no wet patch. It's like my Jesus Juice was invisible".

Priced competitively at 1.99 per sock.

Wash at 90 degrees.

The Catholic Church have brought out its own brand of cigarettes to commemorate the Pope's visit next month. The first 500 packets of 'Pope Puffs' sold will include a free set of rosary beads.

You will not only feel cool when you smoke these silky black cigarettes, but you'll look cool too. Hang outside a school with these and you'll make lots of friends within minutes.

Not available to gays, lesbians or Jews.

£9.99 plus VAT.

Other merchandise to on sale include balaclavas with the Pope's face sewn in, and highly flammable Sinead O'Connor effigies.

Phil Mitchell: "I can't get enough bum-crack"

Hard man Phil Mitchell demonstrated the dangers of being hooked on crack in last night’s episode of Eastenders. The balding bell-end nuzzled greedily into the cracks of Ian Beale, Max Branning and even his own mother’s hairy crack was a victim of his fearless conk.

The BBC received 350 complaints as onlookers witnessed the chubby Mitchell sweat like a melting beetroot over his co-star's clammy cheeks, three more complaints than when Frank Butcher felt Pat up in toilet.

The addiction started last month when Phil was offered to speed-boat Heather Trott's plunging posterior in a darkened alley. "My character just couldn't get enough arse", said Steve McFadden who plays tough guy Phil Mitchell.

BBC executives say they plan to continue with the story, which is the most cheerful since Tiffany got run over on Christmas day, until the Autumn. Fans will have to watch stubbly moon-face McFadden spiral into depression, steal Ben’s pocket money, and attempt suicide as he becomes a massive crackhead.

Crackhead Phil Mitchell snorting Dot Cotton's bot in last night's episode.

A BBC executive told Gusset Muncher: "Eastenders is well known for covering 'issues'. We work closely with addiction charities and health organisations to ensure that we sensitively reflect the difficult issues of snorting bum cleavage."

She went on to say: "Viewers will not see Phil enjoy sniffing arse, or looking happy after a bum-fix, to ensure the episodes are suitable for all ages. We do not endorse or promote snorting the chocolate alleyway whatsoever".

Addiction expert and ex-rump-nuzzler, Paul Daniels said: "Inhaling arse crack is a very serious addiction and is very difficult to quit. Once you’ve tried it, you won’t be able to stop."

Just say 'NO' kids!

Robbie Williams to Marry WOMAN in Un-Gay Marriage Ceremony

Robbie Williams is set to marry his actress girlfriend Ayda Field in Los Angeles today, according to un-gay reports.

The pair are planning an intimate un-gay ceremony on Santa Catalina, an island just off the coast of California which is not a gay state in America.

Un-gay family and even more really un-gay close friends were only told the date of the nuptials last week, and have flown out to the US to form the congregation comprised of definitely un-gay guests.

"Robbie and Ayda have been deeply in love for a long time now, nearly three hours to be exact", said an un-gay source. "They spend almost every waking minute of every day
together and are completely inseparable which is very un-gay”. The source did not mention what the happy un-gay couple get up during every sleeping minute but it is presumed that whatever it is it is not anything gay.

Another un-gay source said, "They have tried to keep the un-gay guest list for the un-gay wedding as small as possible and have revealed only scant detail of the ceremony to the lucky few who are invited." Which is why we presume that only the entire global Press Association was informed of this very quiet un-gay event?

A spokesman for the very much in mutual financial and publicity benefiting love couple said, “…despite acidic rumours and cynicism, this is the real un-gay deal, Robbie is very much in love with Dave, er I mean Ayda. And he, er she is not an ex-druggie, skint washed-up actor, …er actress who looks like his much older Auntie”.

Meanwhile Robbie’s image agent was also quick to dispel cynics that the un-gay marriage to Dave, … er Ayda, was definitely not another publicity stunt like the one about Robbie rejoining Take That to try and keep Robbie’s failing career and profile from sinking any lower. “If this was a publicity stunt we would have teamed up with the likes of Jedward for example.”

And regarding Take That, his agent went on, “Robbie and the lads in Take That have always really been the best un-gay mates ever, in the world. They are like un-gay brothers and would do anything for each other. But his band Take That mates will not be in attendance, due to long-standing holiday arrangements.”

Jedward arrived in Santa Catalina this morning on the 4:16 Ryan Air flight from Dublin.

Minch Norton

Puke Found from Extinct Estate Agent

British scientists say they have discovered what they believe to be the world's oldest fossilised puke from an estate agent that lived 160 million years ago.

Vomitology Professor Dennis Quaid from King's College London, said the puke, found in a field, sheds new information on the diet and eating habits of Jurassic estate agents. "Our tests show that the puke contains chips, eggs and peas, which was a staple food in this era for such reptiles", said Professor Quaid.

Professor Quaid achieves wood when he handles fossilised chunder

While other fossilised puke examples have been discovered, the Professor says his sample is by far the best. "It's beautiful and smells like cars".

On this remarkable discovery, Professor Quaid said proudly, "this is further proof that not only estate agents existed, but they puked too."

Muff to be banned say Tories

A ban on muff has been proposed as part of the new ConDem Government's crackdown on any potential labour voters being born.

Chastity belts will be strapped to all women by male MPs, determined to prevent the birth of thousands of new leftie voters.

Ross Kemp, the secretary of state for sex, told Gusset Muncher, "according to the chief medical officer, half the British public owns a muff and that’s a fact."

Kemp added, "intercourse often results in tears and babies, as well as thousands of depressing Channel 4 dramas with working class people. Banning muff is the only way forward.”

Regular user of muff and deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said, "I love muff but we all have to make sacrifices. We can either import neutered Romany prostitutes at a cost of hundreds of pence, or we can tackle the heart of the problem - the existence of muff."

Government sources say muff will likely be banned until 2014.

Judi Dench: I've never heard of Shakespeare

Dame Judi Dench has shocked the nation today in a bizarre revelation claiming that she can't act for toffee, smells of chips, and has never even heard of William Shakespeare.

The RADA trained actress has won numerous "best actress" awards including an Oscar (TM), yet insists that her acting skills are down to camera angles, CGI and clever editing "I'm a complete spaz", proclaimed Britain's best loved thespian, "I've got a speech impediment and I couldn't remember a line if it bit me on me arse". The actress claims that film and theatre directors are so clever they could get a Moulinex blender to win a 'best actress' prize.

SJP and Judi Dench in 'Casino Royalel'

Dench's agent is shocked that her client has admitted her whole acting career is a facade. "She wanted to be an accountant but her parents forced her into acting. She still does sums as a hobby but she don't get paid for it, and if she did I'd want 15%".

The news has come as a huge shock to actor's union Equity, who have cancelled her membership. Equity's spokesman stated "It is an insult to our members that someone can claim to be an actress and not even know what a Pinter pause is".

HM The Queen rang Gusset HQ this morning with the following statement: "I'm glad that other actress with the big ear lobes played me and not that lying scamp! I'll be having my Dame honours back and will be giving it to Sonia from Eastenders".

Dench also claims that Joseph Fiennes is actually made of wood (oak with a walnut vaneer to be precise) and that Kenneth Branagh doesn't even exist.