Wikileaks reveals marry, shag, push off a cliff game

WIKILEAKS UPDATE

The latest leaked diplomatic cable reveals world leaders played a two-year game of ‘marry, shag, throw off a cliff,’ Gusset News can reveal today.

Records show that between 2008 and this year, US President Barack Obama, British Prime Minister David Cameron and serial philandering octogenarian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi egged each other on to decide which world leaders and heads of state they would rather wed, engage in intercourse with or murder.

OBAMA

President Obama, already floundering after losing the majority voice in the US House of Representatives, will be reeling today after his decision to push the governor of Alaska Sarah Palin off a cliff was made public. As for his other choices, Hilary Clinton and Condaleeza Rice, Obama wrote that he would spend a night with Hilary and marry "phat Condy".

"Shag Margaret Thatcher, yes please!"

CAMERON

David Cameron controversially chose to push his wife Samantha off a cliff, shag hero Margaret Thatcher and marry Labour leader Ed Milliband. “Completing the unification of Britain’s political parties wiv my dick lol!”

BERLUSCONI

No stranger to controversy, Berlusconi is probably the least bothered of the lot by the revelations. The Italian PM chose to shag Anne Widdicome, saying “This won't go any further, right?” In a break from the game’s rules, the PM decided he would push French President Nicholas Sarkozy off a cliff before marrying his supermodel ex wife, Carla Brunei.

"We could've got Ireland a better deal" say Meerkats

International business entrepreneurial sex symbol, and Meerkat, Aleksandr Orlov, said he could have easily given Ireland a competative interest rate of around 4.9% for the €85bn loan had they come to his website comparethemeerkat.com.

The EU, however, decided to borrow money from loan sharks at a stonking rate of 5.8%.

The loan, which will mostly be used for betting, buying second-hand cars and burning horses, is expected to cost every Irish household €5245 per year in interest alone.

"Simples! We compare hundreds of interest rates and could have bailed Ireland out for a much cheaper rate". Said the Russian website owner. "We'd have saved them enough money to buy a Cheeky Girl".

Pope condemns Babelfish after translation errors

After a disgruntled tramp found differently translated versions of a book by Pope Benedict XVI in a bin, Vatican CIty has excreted a series of spastic excuses.

The Vatican has been cutting costs and admitted using free online translation service 'Babelfish' to translate official interviews with the Pope for his book ' Light of the World'.

The original version, in Italian, apparently said: 'use of a condom by an HIV-infected male prostitute may be a good idea'. However, the English and German translations state: 'all tracksuit wearing AIDS-ridden council skanks, like Cheryl Cole, must use condoms or face death by stoning'.

Pope Benedict XVI, originally from Germany, who can speak many languages including German, blamed an 'inept temp' for the error. He said "this poxy temp has made me look like a xenophobic paedo-okayer with out-of-date idealisms, for which I can only apologise".

Danny Dyer, official spokesman for the working classes told Gusset News: "This is a f***ing bull*** excuse. The c***ing Pope clearly doesn't want c***s like me to breed or enjoy the pleasures of f***ing without the consequences of having some c***-faced brat to bring up"

The Vatican clarified that the ban on the use of condoms, or any other device, for sexy fun purposes remains. However when you translate this with Babelfish it says: "The remnant Vatican prohibits some Welsh cheeses but likes to bark at cars."

Pudsey in Jordan sex romp scandal

The BBC is reeling after allegations that Children in Need bear Pudsey was seen engaging in lewd behaviour in a Soho nightclub.

The yellow bear, who is instantly recognisable by his distinctive eye patch, spent a night in Soho’s Tits Up club with brash bimbo Katie Price and some other sluts in the wee hours of Sunday morning. The group spent the evening drinking tequila and became more rowdy as the night went on.

The giant yellow bear was celebrating the BBC’s effort in raising £18 million for children in need on Friday night.

Sick: Pudsey wears an eye patch to get girls.

“The bear was wearing nothing but an eye patch and a sleazy grin,” said cocktail waitress Sandy. “He kept grabbing my arse as I went by and when I complained he called me a ‘frigid lesbian bitch’.”

Another waitress complained that Pudsey had offered her £1,500 for her to defecate in his mouth, a practice known as bricking.

Reports are also circulating that Katie Price was seen giving Pudsey oral relief beneath the table while the bear shouted “anyone else wanna get their mouths round my furry c*&k?”

Pudsey’s former girlfriend, Fearne Cotton, recently hit the news for saying that the bear was a “womanising arsehole”. She also claimed that there was nothing wrong with Pudsey’s right eye, and that the eye patch was merely a ploy to attract vulnerable young women.

The BBC has refused to comment.

Prime Ministers in Other Countries are Cunts Too say Scientists

Scientific research commissioned by United Nations has proved that members of parliament, president-types and Prime Ministers are cunts, regardless of which country they hail from.

Professor Dean Gaffney lead the research project originally set up in 1996. He told Gusset News: "We were expecting that only 80-85% of MPs would actually be complete and utter cuntfucks, and so we were surprised by the findings. Some MPs are merely wankers and knob-jockeys. But 99.8% of them are cunts". He went on to list the main findings of the research:

- Tony Blair was a mega cunt from day 1 but the invasion of Iraq sent him off the cuntometer.

- Barack Obama was expected to be a reasonable decent bloke but it turns out he's a complete cunt.

- Silvio Berlusconi was merely an ancient penis last week, but now he's 100% cunt for spending $10,000,000,000 defacing another ancient penis.

- Nicolas Sarkozy is a racist cunt for banning burkas and the Welsh from France.

Nick Clegg is only a small cunt for his insignificunt role in the British government

The list of government cunts is endless and a full list of cunts near you can be found here:

MPs across Britain and Europe mostly agree with these findings, unless their opposition agree.

Somali Hostages Were Trapped in Margaret Thatcher's Hair

The nation is in shock today after the Somali pirate hostages reveal that they were in fact trapped inside Margaret Thatcher's hair all along.

Paul and Rachel Chandler revealed to Gusset News the horrors of their hostage hair hell: "We're just happy to be alive!"

 "No-one heard our cries for help..."

The couple were walking around Belgravia in 1996 when a gust of wind blew them into the iron lady's bouffant barnet, where they remained until yesterday.

Mrs Thatcher was completely unaware that the couple were trapped inside her fuzzy frizz until fourteen years later when a nurse at the private Cromwell Hospital brushed her hair: "her hairbrush got stuck in Paul Chandler's foot and he popped out", revealed the nurse. "He was skinny and bony and but so relieved to be freed".

"We just want to get back to our normal lives" revealed the Chandlers, who have missed out on many historic events including Tony Blair's war on Iraq, banker's bonuses during a recession and MP's fraudulent expenses claims.

"We are so happy to be among decent, everyday people."

Meanwhile, the Cromwell nurse has since found Lord Lucan in the Baroness's beehive and FBI officials eagerly await the possible finding of Osama Bin Laden.

Jesus face found on wank sock

Jesus’ face frequently appears on Marmite jars, drainpipes and fields but Simon Marshall from Lincoln was surprised to find Jesus’ face in his favourite wank sock.

“At first I thought it was Noel Edmonds, but when I looked closer I realised it was Jesus H Chris!” Said Mr Marshall, who noticed the stain as he put his wank sock in the washing machine.

The estate agent went on to say: “It’s my favourite wank sock, it’s a wool mix and never stiffens. I’m honoured that Jesus decided to appear and it’s obviously a message to say I should stop wanking but I love it.”

After discovering the religious stain Mr. Marshall took the sock to his local church where the Reverend Paul Yarrow of the Church of Holy Trinity confirmed that the wank stain was a genuine representation of Christ. He said “Yep. That’s him”.

Mr Marshall is selling his wank sock on Gumtree and confirms that this incident will not stop him from wanking.