"I should be number one," insists Kyle

Jeremy Kyle has come second in a poll of the UK’s most hated people, beaten only by Osama Bin Laden.

The talk show host was shocked and disappointed to find he’d not managed to beat Osama in The Sun’s poll, which placed him above Hitler, Pol Pot and Saddam Hussein.

Gusset News contacted Kyle this morning to gauge his reaction to the results. “Obviously I’m shocked and I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong,” he said. “I’ve spent my career trying to be as slimy and despicable as I can.”

Kyle insisted our reporter mention the Down’s Syndrome prostitute he murdered back in 1998 and the puppies he famously kicked at an RSPCA charity drive last year.

Cock face: Just one of the appalling photos Kyle has received in the mail since the poll.

Since the results were released Kyle’s latest wife has left him and he has been plagued with hate mail, which Kyle says have “made his week.” He insisted on reading some aloud. “This one’s from Gary in Kent, it says ‘I want to rip off your slimy head you jumped up little twat. At least Hitler had some charisma, and Saddam had the decency to go into hiding when people began to hate him.’”

Kyle’s PR machine has gone into overdrive, with plans for Kyle to be photographed performing backstreet abortions, frotting Princess Diana’s body and body slamming Stephen Hawking.

Contestants will be harmed in Big Brother 11

Channel 4 have teamed up with the NHS to ‘cull’ BB11 contestants live on TV. Each contestant allegedly cost taxpayers £800,000 per year on housing, dole-spunking and NHS fees. “Everyone’s a winner” said Health Secretary Andrew Lansley.

BB11 executive producer Andy Smart said, “these oiks are a drain on society and the public will feel some catharsis after being bothered by their vacuous faces for 13 weeks.”

The contestants, who include seven inches of eyebrow, a posh tory cunt, a Dickensian lesbian, a one-eyed bloke with no legs, a fluorescent orange Katie Price and a fat ‘she-male’ monk who believes in UFOs, are not aware that they will be killed violently when they're voted out the house.

Unibrowed Nathan costs the NHS £500K p.a. in ingrown hair removal fees

“They’ll get their interview and best bits and after that they will die a horrible death chosen by viewers,” said Davina McCall.

Contestants will be delighted to receive an extra 15 minutes of broadcast fame as multiple death choices include being strapped to a rubbish robot on ‘Robot Wars’, being Shumba’s live prey on ‘The Lion Man’ and being sautéed on Channel 4’s ‘Come Dine With Me’.

Even the BB11 winner will not escape euthanasia “This year’s winner will be run over by Pat Butcher in an live Eastenders special episode,” said the Health Secretary. “My wife and I can’t wait!”

Wham, bam: Cam's new ham

David Cameron will undergo an operation to have his penis enlarged, it has been revealed today.

Before Cameron came to power he had to undergo a full medical evaluation. The Tory leader became insecure when the doctor performing the medical pointed out that he didn’t quite match up to his previous office holders.

Parliament legend says former PM Tony Blair’s immense confidence came from the fact that he was “swinging a nine” down there. Another source has told us that once when Gordon Brown was getting out of the shower, a neighbour’s son saw him and asked his parents "why is that man waving a marrow about in the bathroom?"

Although our sources would not give specifics, Cameron is alleged to have the manhood of a 10-year-old. The surgery is scheduled to take place in the next two weeks, by a top Harley Street plastic surgeon, allegedly the same man who was responsible for Gail Porter’s hair rejuvenation and the re-shaping of Lesley Ash’s lips.

Although the PM was unavailable for comment an aide said, ‘If this doc can put anywhere near as much size on Dave’s chopper as he did on Miss Ash’s lips, I’m sure he and Sam will both be very happy.” We wish Cameron well and hope for a speedy recovery.

Luke Triapathy

Cameron and Clegg Lead By Example In Government Cutbacks

In an unprecedented show of unity, Prime Ministers David Cameron and Nick Clegg are leading by example following their statement announcing that UK spending cuts “will hurt every one of us”.

After his speech in Milton Keynes yesterday, David Cameron, one of our Prime Ministers, warned of the pain we would suffer for decades as a result of severe Government cutbacks that will ensure bankers continue to receive multi-million pound bonuses for doing such a great job of fucking it all up.

“We have some of the world's most astute financial brains working in our banking industry and it is imperative that we keep them. Without them our economy would be that of a third world country.” said a surprisingly upbeat Cameron.

When asked what he thought of the Ethiopian Benefit Concert being held in Addis Ababa to raise funds for UK families, Cameron said, “I think it’s a great idea and a great example of how we are all pulling together. Besides, it’s about time those thieving bastards started to pay us back and I’m not talking about a few bags of rice neither.”

In the spirit of belt-tightening, Cameron and Clegg have agreed to move into number 10 together in an effort to not only lead by example but to also reduce costs to the taxpayer.

Cameron said the pair will share the same office, secretary, car, security staff and iPhone. "We will also share a bed and have decided to leave our wives off the payroll and in their respective matrimonial homes”.

Cameron has denied the move is a publicity stunt and said there was no truth in the rumours that Nick Clegg is his "fag". "The fact that we are now sharing the same dwelling and indeed the same bed is purely to show that we mean business in getting the economy back on its feet. The fact that Nick may occasionally be awoken by a prodding in his back is not strictly my fault as I can not legally be held responsible for an involuntary reflex. But again I would like to add that this is also a strong signal to the British people that, Nick is as just prepared to take one up the Khyber as they have been for the last few years under a Labour cabinet”.

When asked if the British public were getting a raw deal, Cameron answered, “we may not have been voted into power but lets face it who has? I think the British people are definitely getting their moneys worth; two Prime Ministers for the price of one. The point of being voted into number 10 or not is moot, we’re looking at pure value here”.

The other Prime Minister, Nick Clegg was unavailable for comment as he was replacing number 10’s curtains with some rather fetching Laura Ashley designer ones and purchasing His & His towels.

MINCH NORTON

Royal Scandal: Taxpayer bails out Fergie

The Duchess of York is to be bailed out by the taxpayer after describing herself as being on the brink of bankruptcy.

Sarah Ferguson explained her actions in the recent cash-for-access scandal, admitting she had amassed huge debts and described her situation as "out of control" during an interview with UK chat show queen Trisha Goddard.

The former royal sex-bomb talked at length about what led her to offer to sell an introduction to her ex-husband the Duke of York for £500,000.

In the interview screened on Tuesday night Sarah painted a picture of herself as a woman living beyond her means, likening her situation to one experienced by an addict.

She told Goddard: "I became addicted to a style of high class living that I couldn't maintain. Sometimes I would eat five cases of caviar for breakfast, washed down with water imported from the River Ganges. Some people have a cocaine addiction. For me, it was croquet. All my earnings were siphoned into the lawn game, which I would play for hours on end until the nerves were literally visibly twitching in my eyeballs".

The UK Government confirmed this morning that it will pump £12bn into The Duchess Of York in an attempt to prevent the UK's Excessive Frivolous Spending (EFS) Sector from melting down.

After a weekend of negotiations the Treasury announced a wide-ranging rescue plan under which Ferguson will face a crackdown on foreign 'jolly' visits and shoe shopping, with the Government taking a controlling stake of 60% in the former royal pin-up.

Chancellor George Osborne said today's action was necessary in the "extraordinary circumstances" affecting affluent More Money Than Sense (MMTS) markets worldwide. "I'm determined to do everything I can to stabilise Sarah Ferguson and make her stronger," the chancellor added. "And in return for it, of course, there will be restrictions on what happens in her day to day life, with guarantees in relation to a possible comeback UK tour, solo single and Playboy centrefold shoot'.

Arthur Del Monte III

Health Secretary axes ‘Holby City'

Gusset reporters have unearthed a top secret Tory plan to axe the hugely popular hospital drama ‘Holby City’.

Secretary of State for Health, Andrew Lansley, said he wanted to “cut NHS costs by £6billion by 2011” at a press conference last week.

Andrew Lansley denies the Tories secret plan to axe 'Holby City'

The secret plans show that axing hospital programmes such as ‘Holby City’ and ‘Casualty’ will save the country a fortune and release funds for weapons and bonuses for bankers.

BBC’s crappier soap ‘Doctors’ is also likely to be axed according to the plans, despite it only costing £2.43 per episode.

Shadow Health Secretary Harold Shipman was shocked: “it’s ridiculous, the Tories want to close all NHS services and force patients to turn to ITV, or God forbid, Channel FIVE."

'HOLBY SAVED MUMMY'

Derek Staples is convinced that ‘Holby City’ saved his Mum's life.

When Doreen Staples had a headache and her face started melting, she thought it was indigestion.

Vigilant Derek quickly watched the entire ‘Holby City’ box set. Realising her symptoms were serious, he called an ambulance. Seconds later Doreen had a heart attack. Derek said: "It's thanks to ‘Holby’ that Mummy is alive today."

The Tories denied their intentions to axe the hospital programmes despite Lansley’s Facebook status quoting: “Andrew is gonna axe Holby City. Yay for me!”

We don't give a shit about oil spill, say BP

Oil giant BP today announced that they “don’t give a shit” about the effects of the catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Twenty million gallons of oil have pumped into the gulf following an explosion on the Deepwater Horizon oil rig six weeks ago, which resulted in the deaths of 11 workers. Yesterday officials declared the incident the worst environmental disaster the US has ever faced.

But BP chief operating officer Doug Suttles says the company really couldn’t care less. “It turns out we’re covered by insurance – so my bonus will be safe this year,” he said. When asked about the impact of the spill on the environment, Suttles replied “tough titties”. “It’s just a bunch of birds and fish, essentially parasites who contribute absolutely nothing to the world.”

Can't fly? 'Tough titties', says BP.

It’s not the first time Suttles has come under fire for his laissez faire attitude to green issues. In 2004 he was snapped eating what is now thought to be the last remaining Chinese river dolphin. In 2007 he appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show, where he railed against the practice of recycling, claiming that only “hippies and gays” bothered to separate plastic from paper.

Suttles’ views have angered environmental groups. Greenpeace CEO Martin Clunes said the COO’s outburst is “shocking and insulting”. “Suttles needs to wake up and smell the petroleum,” Clunes said. “The situation needs to be rectified quickly, before the oil enters animals’ genes and causes mutation, resulting in a new order of souped-up animals capable of destroying mankind completely.”