Just in Case You Were Unsure if You Are a Murderer

80% of iPad Owners Don’t Know Why They Own One.

As Apple prepares for its iPad 3 launch for Christmas 2011, a recent study shows that most iPad owners are still perplexed as to why they own one.

Charlotte Hucker, a recruitment consultant from Clapham and regular user of the iPad 2 said: “I’ve had an iPad for six months and I love it. I dunno what it does or what it’s for but I love it. It’s pink!”

Apple boss Steve Jobs promises that the iPad 3 will be even more thinner, faster and prettier than the iPad 2, and that the iPad 4 (to be launched in Summer 2012), will be even thinner, faster and prettier than the iPad 3. “The iPad 3 will make dull people think they are more intelligent, interesting and good-looking than they actually are”.

Eager iPad 2 owners have already started queuing outside the Apple Store on Regent Street ready for the pre-Christmas rush. Jeff Dromgood, a fanny magnet, from Wigan said “It’ll be just the same as my iPad 2 and slighter bigger and the same as my iPod touch but it will be more thinner, faster and prettier. I dunno what I’ll use it for but I love it! I think”.

Edinburgh International Film Festival Film Reviews

Our resident film critic Barbarella Fox reviews this year's films at: Edinburgh International film festival.

Dumped Divans of E17

Cameron in Tory Mash-up to Celebrate 40th Anniversary of Misuse of Drugs Act.

David Cameron plans to commemorate this week’s 40th Anniversary of Misuse of Drugs Act 1971, with a ‘massive bender’ at no. 10.

David at last year's bender

The invites went out to fellow MPs this morning and some were more excited than others by the celebrations. Tweezer dodger Ann Widdicombe said, “Drugs are naughty and make you grow things on your thighs. We should set an example and just drink Chardonnay or Merlot”.

Cameron has been heavily criticised for this contradictory drug orgy. He has no plans to decriminalise drug possession, or legalise whiffy skunk, despite a harsh letter campaign by a host of celebrities.

“Criminalising drug users like us makes us look like we live in bins but we’re just like everyone else and like getting muntered at the weekend”, said Dame Judi Dench, Leader of the campaign.

Other celebrities including Sir Richard Branson, Moira Stewart and that fat one from ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ have been urging Cameron to look again at the current drug’s legislation. “We want to make it easier to get proper good quality drugs that haven’t been cut with Alistair Darling’s eyebrows”. Said Moira.

Wikileaks reveals marry, shag, push off a cliff game

WIKILEAKS UPDATE

The latest leaked diplomatic cable reveals world leaders played a two-year game of ‘marry, shag, throw off a cliff,’ Gusset News can reveal today.

Records show that between 2008 and this year, US President Barack Obama, British Prime Minister David Cameron and serial philandering octogenarian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi egged each other on to decide which world leaders and heads of state they would rather wed, engage in intercourse with or murder.

OBAMA

President Obama, already floundering after losing the majority voice in the US House of Representatives, will be reeling today after his decision to push the governor of Alaska Sarah Palin off a cliff was made public. As for his other choices, Hilary Clinton and Condaleeza Rice, Obama wrote that he would spend a night with Hilary and marry "phat Condy".

"Shag Margaret Thatcher, yes please!"

CAMERON

David Cameron controversially chose to push his wife Samantha off a cliff, shag hero Margaret Thatcher and marry Labour leader Ed Milliband. “Completing the unification of Britain’s political parties wiv my dick lol!”

BERLUSCONI

No stranger to controversy, Berlusconi is probably the least bothered of the lot by the revelations. The Italian PM chose to shag Anne Widdicome, saying “This won't go any further, right?” In a break from the game’s rules, the PM decided he would push French President Nicholas Sarkozy off a cliff before marrying his supermodel ex wife, Carla Brunei.

"We could've got Ireland a better deal" say Meerkats

International business entrepreneurial sex symbol, and Meerkat, Aleksandr Orlov, said he could have easily given Ireland a competative interest rate of around 4.9% for the €85bn loan had they come to his website comparethemeerkat.com.

The EU, however, decided to borrow money from loan sharks at a stonking rate of 5.8%.

The loan, which will mostly be used for betting, buying second-hand cars and burning horses, is expected to cost every Irish household €5245 per year in interest alone.

"Simples! We compare hundreds of interest rates and could have bailed Ireland out for a much cheaper rate". Said the Russian website owner. "We'd have saved them enough money to buy a Cheeky Girl".