Walthamstow to be Hidden from Olympic Visitors

The London suburb of Walthamstow is to be hidden under a giant sheet of tarpaulin during the Olympics in a controversial bid to conceal the poor from London 2012 visitors.

The Olympic Delivery Authority (ODA) has requested that chavs, hooligans and pound shops in the area of Walthamstow should be kept out of sight during the Games. However, the only way the council can conceive such a plan is to cover the entire area in a sheet of tarpaulin resembling the idyllic London town of Richmond when viewed from a certain angle at Stratford.

Visitors to the Olympics will not have to witness the full horrors of the stow at all as the tarpaulin will be erected a week before the Games start. 

 A typical Walthamstow street will soon look like this

The Leader of Waltham Forest council, Cllr Basil Fawlty told Gusset News: “the ODA is like well in charge of everything and higher up than God so we have to lie down and let them bum us. Oops did I say that out loud?”

The ODA claims its sponsors have the right to ensure their brands are presented in the highest quality format possible. “Adidas and McDonald's do not wish to be associated with the likes of hoodies or the overweight”, said an ODA spokesperson.

Fifth Version of Munch's The Scream Fetches £1 at Auction

Munch's 'The Scream' may have been sold for a record breaking $120m, however, a fifth version of the painting, recently discovered in a small East London suburb called Walthamstow, sold for £1 by a market trader to a pensioner called Les.

Walthamstow is famous for its abandoned mattresses and was responsible for the 'Celebrities that look like Mattresses' series. But now it seems Walthamstow has inspired many famous artists, who visited the small town during their primary years and created many famous works of art.


Later this month, these other rare pieces will be up for auction on Walthamstow Market:

If you would like to know more about Walthamstow visit The Walthamstow (unofficial) Tourist Board where you will be able to buy postcards, calendars and go on an organised tour of abandoned mattresses.


This quirky town recently voted Brian Harvey for Mayor, but when your choice is the bumbling buffoon and bendy-bus botherer Boris Johnson, or Ken Barlow, who can blame them?

Just in Case You Were Unsure if You Are a Murderer

80% of iPad Owners Don’t Know Why They Own One.

As Apple prepares for its iPad 3 launch for Christmas 2011, a recent study shows that most iPad owners are still perplexed as to why they own one.

Charlotte Hucker, a recruitment consultant from Clapham and regular user of the iPad 2 said: “I’ve had an iPad for six months and I love it. I dunno what it does or what it’s for but I love it. It’s pink!”

Apple boss Steve Jobs promises that the iPad 3 will be even more thinner, faster and prettier than the iPad 2, and that the iPad 4 (to be launched in Summer 2012), will be even thinner, faster and prettier than the iPad 3. “The iPad 3 will make dull people think they are more intelligent, interesting and good-looking than they actually are”.

Eager iPad 2 owners have already started queuing outside the Apple Store on Regent Street ready for the pre-Christmas rush. Jeff Dromgood, a fanny magnet, from Wigan said “It’ll be just the same as my iPad 2 and slighter bigger and the same as my iPod touch but it will be more thinner, faster and prettier. I dunno what I’ll use it for but I love it! I think”.

Edinburgh International Film Festival Film Reviews

Our resident film critic Barbarella Fox reviews this year's films at: Edinburgh International film festival.

Dumped Divans of E17

Cameron in Tory Mash-up to Celebrate 40th Anniversary of Misuse of Drugs Act.

David Cameron plans to commemorate this week’s 40th Anniversary of Misuse of Drugs Act 1971, with a ‘massive bender’ at no. 10.

David at last year's bender

The invites went out to fellow MPs this morning and some were more excited than others by the celebrations. Tweezer dodger Ann Widdicombe said, “Drugs are naughty and make you grow things on your thighs. We should set an example and just drink Chardonnay or Merlot”.

Cameron has been heavily criticised for this contradictory drug orgy. He has no plans to decriminalise drug possession, or legalise whiffy skunk, despite a harsh letter campaign by a host of celebrities.

“Criminalising drug users like us makes us look like we live in bins but we’re just like everyone else and like getting muntered at the weekend”, said Dame Judi Dench, Leader of the campaign.

Other celebrities including Sir Richard Branson, Moira Stewart and that fat one from ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ have been urging Cameron to look again at the current drug’s legislation. “We want to make it easier to get proper good quality drugs that haven’t been cut with Alistair Darling’s eyebrows”. Said Moira.