Pope condemns Babelfish after translation errors

After a disgruntled tramp found differently translated versions of a book by Pope Benedict XVI in a bin, Vatican CIty has excreted a series of spastic excuses.

The Vatican has been cutting costs and admitted using free online translation service 'Babelfish' to translate official interviews with the Pope for his book ' Light of the World'.

The original version, in Italian, apparently said: 'use of a condom by an HIV-infected male prostitute may be a good idea'. However, the English and German translations state: 'all tracksuit wearing AIDS-ridden council skanks, like Cheryl Cole, must use condoms or face death by stoning'.

Pope Benedict XVI, originally from Germany, who can speak many languages including German, blamed an 'inept temp' for the error. He said "this poxy temp has made me look like a xenophobic paedo-okayer with out-of-date idealisms, for which I can only apologise".

Danny Dyer, official spokesman for the working classes told Gusset News: "This is a f***ing bull*** excuse. The c***ing Pope clearly doesn't want c***s like me to breed or enjoy the pleasures of f***ing without the consequences of having some c***-faced brat to bring up"

The Vatican clarified that the ban on the use of condoms, or any other device, for sexy fun purposes remains. However when you translate this with Babelfish it says: "The remnant Vatican prohibits some Welsh cheeses but likes to bark at cars."

Pope Arrives in Scotland

Pasty-faced Glaswegians await the over-anticipated visit of Pope Benedict the 16th today. The residents of Scotland's roughest town are said to be mildly amused by the arrival of the Catholic leader and some will line the streets and probably soil themselves with apathy as the 'Pope Mobile' passes at 6 mph through the intrepid city centre.

The 'Pope Mobile'

Pope officials said Benedict was 'concerned' that the Queen asked him to enter the UK via Scotland. A Pope colleague told Gusset News: "He's had a rabies inoculation and is taking malaria tablets. He also insists on wearing a bullet-proof vest and mitre".

The Queen is planning a special Scottish feast at Edinburgh's Holyrood House for the Religious Royal. Deep fried haggis will be served from the thighs of a pre-pubescent choir boy and Tennents Special Brew will be 'on tap' from 6am.

The Pope is expected to launch his official commemorative Pope Merchandise later this afternoon.

Scotland has had to place all of its assets in the Aberdeen branch of Cash Converters in order to fund the Pope's visit.

Pope's Commemorative Wank Sock Goes on Sale

Official merchandise and commemorative memorabilia to celebrate the Pope's visit to the UK have gone on sale today.  The pope's overrated and over anticipated visit on 16th September has brought feelings of apathy and nonchalance to an otherwise aroused Britain.

The Catholic Church has revealed some of its exclusive memorabilia in honour of its favourite zucchetto-wearing leader.

These briefs, previously only available to priests and bishops, will now be available to the common heathen. 

Available in Small, Medium, Large and Extra Large, these delightful 100% cotton briefs will make you feel like a sex on a stick.

The briefs come with classic Pope Benedict the 16th face logo and commemorative 2010 embroidery around the waist.

The Pope himself modelled these for the Catholic catalogue and told Gusset "this is all the Lord's creation, I am not smuggling a mitre would you believe!"

RRP. £13.99 + p&p

 This commemorative wank sock is exclusively available to Gusset Muncher subscribers only.

With its super absorbency it can handle 5-6 mop ups before going 'stiff as a board'. 

Comes with classic Pope Benedict the 16th face logo on both sides of the (w)ankle.

Benedict the 16th told Gusset, "There's no wet patch. It's like my Jesus Juice was invisible".

Priced competitively at 1.99 per sock.

Wash at 90 degrees.

The Catholic Church have brought out its own brand of cigarettes to commemorate the Pope's visit next month. The first 500 packets of 'Pope Puffs' sold will include a free set of rosary beads.

You will not only feel cool when you smoke these silky black cigarettes, but you'll look cool too. Hang outside a school with these and you'll make lots of friends within minutes.

Not available to gays, lesbians or Jews.

£9.99 plus VAT.

Other merchandise to on sale include balaclavas with the Pope's face sewn in, and highly flammable Sinead O'Connor effigies.