"Dedward" leads Labour

David and Edward Miliband have decided to lead Labour to victory by teaming up together, Jedward style, senior party sources revealed this morning.

"Our quiffs are a 'work in progress'" [and so are our photoshopping skills]

Labour's new leaders are desperate to beat the current ConDem government in the next election. "Two against two is like loads fairer than one against two", said Ed, or was it David? He went on to say "This is about a new future for the Labour Party and we is like so brill we're gonna win".

The brothers have already held talks about getting matching skinny jeans and quiffs, in order to appeal to the 'youth' culture. "We need twelve year-olds to love us, just like Jedward, because those oiks, I mean children will be our voters in a few years time", said one of the irritating tossers.

David Cameron laughed so much when he heard about the new branding idea that he ruptured his innards. However his spleen, Nick Clegg said "Dead wood? If it sounds like a turd and smells like one, it propbably is one"

Dedward are in talks with Simon Cowell about releasing a Christmas single.

Jedward joins the Chilean miners

Jedward: utterly pointless

Jedward has been sent deep underground.

The talentless Irish twits have travelled almost half a mile beneath the surface of the earth to deliver a singing telegram to the trapped Chilean miners. The 33 men, who face a three-month wait to be delivered to the surface after part of their mine collapsed, are said to be gobsmacked by the gesture.

Scrawny Jedward was piped down the narrow tube to sing to the fraught men, who can now add “mediocre non-pop” to the list of afflictions they must endure in their underground prison.

Logistics director Hugo Chavez said he was not sure what the Irish twosome would bring to the group, who now have to share air, food and conversation with the newcomers. "We’ve had to send down more food, nappies and suicide pills to the men because of the Jedward,” he said. “Why couldn’t they send the Chuckle Brothers?”

It is unclear who "they" actually is but reports of Simon Cowell being spotted giggling near the mine shaft have prompted speculations that the music mogul is regretting backing the pointless pair and is hoping to literally bury his mistake.

Worryingly for the duo's braindead fans, reports are coming back to the surface that thanks to the language barrier, several of the miners thought Jedward had been sent down as food.