New BB Housemate Revealed

A record 3 housemates lamely walked out of the Big Brother house since the show started 8 weeks ago. The 11th Big Brother has been the most boring yet, and Channel 4 executives have been desperate to gain audiences.

The newest contestant entered the BB house in the early hours of this morning, but most of the vacuous wannabes are unaware that their new housemate is none other than Yorkshire ripper, Peter Sutcliffe.

The Broadmoor resident was recently denied parole, however due to a High Court admin error, caused by a sleepy underpaid temp, Sutcliffe has been lawfully granted ‘house arrest’. In layman’s terms, this means Sutcliffe can be ‘detained in any secure unit’ for a maximum of 3 weeks.

Sutcliffe’s lawyer, Alan Dershowitz said, “The Big Brother House is exceptionally secure and is manned by a hightec security team 24/7”. He went on to say, “Sutcliffe will feel at home confined to a restricted area full of other mentalists”.

Channel 4 told Gusset News that the prostitute botherer is ‘fitting in well’ with his new inmates, and has struck up a strong bond with sassy scouse Rachel. “This morning he sidled up to the scantily clad northerner and asked if he could tie her up with Josie’s big pants”, said Davina McCall. Unfortunately the bearded serial killer was later disturbed by crab-eyed housemate John James, who interrupted the pair whilst looking for his favourite hanky.

Murderous intent or product placement

Meanwhile, Yorkshire slappa Corin Forshaw has been missing from the Big Brother house since lunchtime.

Contestants will be harmed in Big Brother 11

Channel 4 have teamed up with the NHS to ‘cull’ BB11 contestants live on TV. Each contestant allegedly cost taxpayers £800,000 per year on housing, dole-spunking and NHS fees. “Everyone’s a winner” said Health Secretary Andrew Lansley.

BB11 executive producer Andy Smart said, “these oiks are a drain on society and the public will feel some catharsis after being bothered by their vacuous faces for 13 weeks.”

The contestants, who include seven inches of eyebrow, a posh tory cunt, a Dickensian lesbian, a one-eyed bloke with no legs, a fluorescent orange Katie Price and a fat ‘she-male’ monk who believes in UFOs, are not aware that they will be killed violently when they're voted out the house.

Unibrowed Nathan costs the NHS £500K p.a. in ingrown hair removal fees

“They’ll get their interview and best bits and after that they will die a horrible death chosen by viewers,” said Davina McCall.

Contestants will be delighted to receive an extra 15 minutes of broadcast fame as multiple death choices include being strapped to a rubbish robot on ‘Robot Wars’, being Shumba’s live prey on ‘The Lion Man’ and being sautéed on Channel 4’s ‘Come Dine With Me’.

Even the BB11 winner will not escape euthanasia “This year’s winner will be run over by Pat Butcher in an live Eastenders special episode,” said the Health Secretary. “My wife and I can’t wait!”