Cameron in Tory Mash-up to Celebrate 40th Anniversary of Misuse of Drugs Act.

David Cameron plans to commemorate this week’s 40th Anniversary of Misuse of Drugs Act 1971, with a ‘massive bender’ at no. 10.

David at last year's bender

The invites went out to fellow MPs this morning and some were more excited than others by the celebrations. Tweezer dodger Ann Widdicombe said, “Drugs are naughty and make you grow things on your thighs. We should set an example and just drink Chardonnay or Merlot”.

Cameron has been heavily criticised for this contradictory drug orgy. He has no plans to decriminalise drug possession, or legalise whiffy skunk, despite a harsh letter campaign by a host of celebrities.

“Criminalising drug users like us makes us look like we live in bins but we’re just like everyone else and like getting muntered at the weekend”, said Dame Judi Dench, Leader of the campaign.

Other celebrities including Sir Richard Branson, Moira Stewart and that fat one from ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ have been urging Cameron to look again at the current drug’s legislation. “We want to make it easier to get proper good quality drugs that haven’t been cut with Alistair Darling’s eyebrows”. Said Moira.

Wikileaks reveals marry, shag, push off a cliff game

WIKILEAKS UPDATE

The latest leaked diplomatic cable reveals world leaders played a two-year game of ‘marry, shag, throw off a cliff,’ Gusset News can reveal today.

Records show that between 2008 and this year, US President Barack Obama, British Prime Minister David Cameron and serial philandering octogenarian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi egged each other on to decide which world leaders and heads of state they would rather wed, engage in intercourse with or murder.

OBAMA

President Obama, already floundering after losing the majority voice in the US House of Representatives, will be reeling today after his decision to push the governor of Alaska Sarah Palin off a cliff was made public. As for his other choices, Hilary Clinton and Condaleeza Rice, Obama wrote that he would spend a night with Hilary and marry "phat Condy".

"Shag Margaret Thatcher, yes please!"

CAMERON

David Cameron controversially chose to push his wife Samantha off a cliff, shag hero Margaret Thatcher and marry Labour leader Ed Milliband. “Completing the unification of Britain’s political parties wiv my dick lol!”

BERLUSCONI

No stranger to controversy, Berlusconi is probably the least bothered of the lot by the revelations. The Italian PM chose to shag Anne Widdicome, saying “This won't go any further, right?” In a break from the game’s rules, the PM decided he would push French President Nicholas Sarkozy off a cliff before marrying his supermodel ex wife, Carla Brunei.

McDonalds to Sponsor The Lazy

Up to 29.16 million people could be forced to "get up off their lazy arses and get a fucking job" according to a new ConDem dossier to cut benefits.

Families on jobseekers allowance will no longer be able to afford wide screen TVs, ipads and Sky TV. However, American food giants McDonald's have stepped in and saved the day with their 'sponsoring a layabout' initiative.

Layabouts on on the scheme will have to wear McDonald's logos at all times and eat only at Maccy D's or else their benefit will cease. Families on the scheme are said to be 'delighted'. Martin Chugnut, a working class oik from Ilford said "I'd be fucking honoured to wear the Golden Arches accross my man-tits".

A chav enjoys sponsored rations

Labour has criticised the scheme claiming that the sponsorship deal with McDonald's is a form of "social cleansing" to build a wider gap between the rich and the poor. Labour leader Ed Miliband said, "It is tantamount to labelling the poor as slobs and will obviously be a strain on the NHS". He went on to say, "Isn't 'tantamount' a wicked word, it just rolls off the tongue!"

David Cameron has dismissed the claims saying "it will mean the working classes will still be able to afford to do the things they like doing like darts and cider. Nothing will change".

There are now talks of the UK's Disability Allowance being sponsored by Adidas.

"Dedward" leads Labour

David and Edward Miliband have decided to lead Labour to victory by teaming up together, Jedward style, senior party sources revealed this morning.

"Our quiffs are a 'work in progress'" [and so are our photoshopping skills]

Labour's new leaders are desperate to beat the current ConDem government in the next election. "Two against two is like loads fairer than one against two", said Ed, or was it David? He went on to say "This is about a new future for the Labour Party and we is like so brill we're gonna win".

The brothers have already held talks about getting matching skinny jeans and quiffs, in order to appeal to the 'youth' culture. "We need twelve year-olds to love us, just like Jedward, because those oiks, I mean children will be our voters in a few years time", said one of the irritating tossers.

David Cameron laughed so much when he heard about the new branding idea that he ruptured his innards. However his spleen, Nick Clegg said "Dead wood? If it sounds like a turd and smells like one, it propbably is one"

Dedward are in talks with Simon Cowell about releasing a Christmas single.

Baby Number 3 Moves Into Number 10

Prime Ministers’ and now proud gay fathers, Mr. David Cameron and Mrs. Nick Clegg, have become only the third serving PM’s in modern times to have a baby while in No. 10. The first was Lord John Russell who was prime minister when he became a father on July 11, 1849, which was followed by Tony Blair with the birth of his son Leo on May 20th 2000.

David Cameron, brimming with pride, announced the birth of their daughter to the assembled press who had gathered outside a stable in Truro, Cornwall on 24th August 2010. Asked if they had decided on a name, Dave said they had settled on Florence David Rose Nick Endellion Ming Thatcher Paddy Gordon Kennedy Major Steel Duncan Cable Smith Clegg Cameron Clegg Cameron Clegg Clegg Clegg Cameron Cameron Clegg-Cameron, adding that it was a real coalition name to epitomise the bright new future under the new Government.

The new parents share an embrace outside their home.

Downing Street said that the happy couple had received congratulatory messages from the Queen, the Prince of Wales and his horse, Gordon and Sarah Brown, mini French President Nicolas Sarkozy and his concubines, Elton John, Priscilla Queen of the Desert, Quentin Crisp, Gary Glitter, Gay News and God.

Nick was due to give birth in mid-September but began to have contractions after a particularly hot curry and some après dinner bum-fun with some invited state dignitaries. He was taken by car at about 8am on Tuesday for a check-up at a hospital close by and the horrifically ugly baby was delivered by penile-caesarean section shortly before lunchtime using keyhole surgical methods performed through a glory hole.

David Cameron said on Tuesday: "Everything seemed to go fine. Nick woke up this morning and thought he was having ring-piece contractions and it was all beginning to get going so we thought we'd come to the hospital just to get everything checked out. Then things sped up and it all happened very, very quickly and the baby popped out of his bell-end at about 12 o'clock while I was eating my lunch”

He continued, "It seemed to be doing fine and my job was to make the toast and tea and things like that. It's absolutely thrilling, really exciting, and it's just lovely that Nick and baby are doing so well. I’m really going to get smashed tonight; I’ve already done a few lines to celebrate."

The Prime Minister said he was “shocked” by the early arrival. “I always thought it was possible because Nick had been restless for a couple of days and wouldn’t let me in balls deep, so to speak. The next thing I knew we had a baby. Fuck! Bastard told me he was on the pill.”

MINCH NORTON

Nick Clegg books 'temp' to cover PM role

It's not every day that an employment agency receives a phone call from the deputy prime minister of Great Britain asking for a 'temp'.

Staff at Reed Employment in High Holborn were surprised yet listless when they received the booking from Parliament, but dealt with the situation quickly and professionally yesterday. Branch manager Peggy Wilcox told Gusset News: "Nick Clegg just like rang up. He asked for a temp to cover the Prime Minister for two weeks, covering paternity leave or something".

Prime Minister David Cameron went on paternity leave at short notice yesterday after the unexpected premature birth of his baby daughter, named Florence Combine-Harvester Endellion Cameron, in a hospital in Cornwall.

Nick Clegg tries to operate the laminating machine

Nick Clegg rang the temping agency after panicking that he couldn't work the franking machine and was confused by the V: Lookup function on MS excel. Mrs Wilcox said, "He sent us a job description, bless him. It had three typos and included phrases like 'must know how to cut NHS budgets and work as part of a team'".

Reed Employment have finished shortlisting CVs and plan to send in twenty one year-old Tracy Stanton, a recent geography graduate who has used four different types of switchboards and can find the 'insert a table' function on the 2007 version of MS Word.

Tracy starts work at 9am tomorrow on a competitive rate of £10.50 per hour (including holiday pay).

Cameron in pregnancy benefit shock

Big prick: Cameron allegedly ordered an employee to sabotage his condoms.

David Cameron secretly impregnated his wife to obtain extra child benefits, a source has revealed.

The cash-strapped PM allegedly knocked up his long-term squeeze Samantha after realising he would not be able to put luxury holidays and moat-cleaning on expenses, an anonymous aide to the leader revealed.

The aide said Cameron had sat up for hours on end researching benefits on the net. After discovering he was not eligible for sickness benefit or jobseeker’s allowance, he hit upon the idea of impregnating his wife.

“Cameron gave me a big pin and I had to go his bedside drawer and prick holes in all his condoms,” said the aide. “Then he ordered me to spike Sam’s Horlicks with Viagra and lube up all her crotchless knickers.”

The £20/week will be saved for ten years, at which time Cameron apparently intends to spend the £10,000 on a topless singles cruise.

This revelation follows the scandal that rocked Westmister last week when a secret tape revealed Cameron speaking candidly about his unborn child. The Tory leader can clearly be heard telling deputy PM Nick Clegg that he was considering selling his future child into white slavery once it reached the age of five. “Or maybe sell it for parts,” he was heard adding, to peals of laughter from Clegg.

Tony Blair’s make-up cost taxpayers £750,000

The enormous cost of maintaining Tony Blair’s looks is to be investigated after it was revealed his make-up artists were costing £750,000 per year, half of which were expenses alone.

The make-up artists, funded by taxpayers, stay in five-star hotels, eat caviar and drink posh cocktails as they follow the former Prime Minister around the world. “One even claimed for a packet of Percy Pigs from M&S”, said an angry taxpayer.

Mr Blair, who famously sent British troops to fight an (alleged) illegal war in the Middle East now works as a Middle East mediator, earning himself an astonishing £20m p.a. (ote).

Current Prime Minister David Cameron said this needed to be reviewed. "Obviously former Prime Ministers need to look cute, but we have to make sure it isn’t costing taxpayers more than is necessary."

Our Gusset source revealed the £750,000 make-up bill for 09/10 also included the following:

Hairspray:        £5,700

Mascara:          £4,200

Blusher:           £3,800

Manicures:       £6,300

Pedicures:           £900

Botox:           £29,800
Fake tan:          £29.67

Tampax:          £9,800

It also showed an expenses bill from Mr Blair's ten-person make-up team from a recent holiday to Tenerife, totalling £43,000. This included a £6,000 bar bill. Mr Blair apparently did not even wear any make-up during the seven day holiday.

Not all taxpayers are angry at the ridiculous expenses: “I think it’s vitally important that our former Prime Ministers look deliciously pretty at all times, and I don’t mind if that’s what my tax goes on”, said Cheryl Blain from Wigan.

Cameron, Clegg bring 'Politics to Peasants'

MINCH NORTON

In copycat style of Gordon Brown, David Cameron, one of our Prime Ministers, held his first non-London based Cabinet meeting up North. Reports state the venue was in a place called Bradford but as anywhere North of London does not yet have electricity, roads or the combustion engine, this can neither be confirmed nor denied.

This jolly £200k jaunt is part of the Camer-Clegg PR campaign (pinched from the old New Labour administration) to bring ‘Politics to Peasants’ and is designed to boost the economic growth around the country and up North too.

“It is vitally important that we come to the heart of Britain and show these peasants that we stand shoulder to shoulder with them, just like all these minarets, in our determination to reduce the national deficit”, said Cameron as he donned a flat cap and whippet skin waistcoat.

Defending allegations that Prime Minister Clegg had “sold out” to form part of a coalition, Prime Minister Cameron insisted: “Nicky has been a major influence in all decision making. He decides what we have for tea, the theme of our dinner parties and buys my clothes. It really is a partnership.”

When asked to explain his Government's decision to cut unemployment benefit by 38 per cent in an area with 97 per cent unemployment like Bradford, a defiant Prime Minister Cameron claimed, “we all have to make sacrifices to get this country back in the black. And I mean all of us; I even had to settle for the filet mignon for lunch.”

Cameron and Clegg: "we're a partnership"

Speaking to the locals through an interpreter, the Prime Ministers made an elegant couple in matching Conran barely-black suits with underarm manbags. At one point they instructed one of their aides to hand out bars of coal tar soap to the crowd of seven who had been rounded up to witness this historic and patronising visit.

Wham, bam: Cam's new ham

David Cameron will undergo an operation to have his penis enlarged, it has been revealed today.

Before Cameron came to power he had to undergo a full medical evaluation. The Tory leader became insecure when the doctor performing the medical pointed out that he didn’t quite match up to his previous office holders.

Parliament legend says former PM Tony Blair’s immense confidence came from the fact that he was “swinging a nine” down there. Another source has told us that once when Gordon Brown was getting out of the shower, a neighbour’s son saw him and asked his parents "why is that man waving a marrow about in the bathroom?"

Although our sources would not give specifics, Cameron is alleged to have the manhood of a 10-year-old. The surgery is scheduled to take place in the next two weeks, by a top Harley Street plastic surgeon, allegedly the same man who was responsible for Gail Porter’s hair rejuvenation and the re-shaping of Lesley Ash’s lips.

Although the PM was unavailable for comment an aide said, ‘If this doc can put anywhere near as much size on Dave’s chopper as he did on Miss Ash’s lips, I’m sure he and Sam will both be very happy.” We wish Cameron well and hope for a speedy recovery.

Luke Triapathy

Cameron and Clegg Lead By Example In Government Cutbacks

In an unprecedented show of unity, Prime Ministers David Cameron and Nick Clegg are leading by example following their statement announcing that UK spending cuts “will hurt every one of us”.

After his speech in Milton Keynes yesterday, David Cameron, one of our Prime Ministers, warned of the pain we would suffer for decades as a result of severe Government cutbacks that will ensure bankers continue to receive multi-million pound bonuses for doing such a great job of fucking it all up.

“We have some of the world's most astute financial brains working in our banking industry and it is imperative that we keep them. Without them our economy would be that of a third world country.” said a surprisingly upbeat Cameron.

When asked what he thought of the Ethiopian Benefit Concert being held in Addis Ababa to raise funds for UK families, Cameron said, “I think it’s a great idea and a great example of how we are all pulling together. Besides, it’s about time those thieving bastards started to pay us back and I’m not talking about a few bags of rice neither.”

In the spirit of belt-tightening, Cameron and Clegg have agreed to move into number 10 together in an effort to not only lead by example but to also reduce costs to the taxpayer.

Cameron said the pair will share the same office, secretary, car, security staff and iPhone. "We will also share a bed and have decided to leave our wives off the payroll and in their respective matrimonial homes”.

Cameron has denied the move is a publicity stunt and said there was no truth in the rumours that Nick Clegg is his "fag". "The fact that we are now sharing the same dwelling and indeed the same bed is purely to show that we mean business in getting the economy back on its feet. The fact that Nick may occasionally be awoken by a prodding in his back is not strictly my fault as I can not legally be held responsible for an involuntary reflex. But again I would like to add that this is also a strong signal to the British people that, Nick is as just prepared to take one up the Khyber as they have been for the last few years under a Labour cabinet”.

When asked if the British public were getting a raw deal, Cameron answered, “we may not have been voted into power but lets face it who has? I think the British people are definitely getting their moneys worth; two Prime Ministers for the price of one. The point of being voted into number 10 or not is moot, we’re looking at pure value here”.

The other Prime Minister, Nick Clegg was unavailable for comment as he was replacing number 10’s curtains with some rather fetching Laura Ashley designer ones and purchasing His & His towels.

MINCH NORTON

Tena Lady "pissed" at plugging Cameron's leak

Female hygiene aid company Tena Lady is fuming after pictures of David Cameron wearing a Tena Lady pad were used to promote the Conservative campaign.

Cameron before and after he began using Tena Lady products.

Pictures of Cameron brown nosing commoners at Stratford’s Rattancat Abbatoir show the Tory leader smiling, secure in the knowledge that no involuntary leaks will show up on his carefully pressed Saville Row suit.

Tena Lady spokeswoman Sheree Drysdale said the company is “pissed”. “We don’t back the Conservatives and we definitely don’t want to be plugging the gaps in Cameron’s campaign, so to speak.”

The Tena Lady empire was founded on Labour ideals, Drysdale said. Tena Lady was created in 1932 by furnishings factory worker Tena Lady. Lady was enraged at the Conservative laws of the time which forbid women from taking more than one bathroom break each day. She created her first pad using scraps of fabric she gathered from the factory floor, selling the reuseable items at tuppence a bag.

Today’s laws are more favourable towards the bladder-challenged, but this doesn’t stop the Tena Lady empire from anger at Cameron’s “slimy” attempt at connecting with voters.

“We’re asking Labour supporters all over Britain to travel to the Conservative headquarters at 30 Millbank, Westminster, and urinate on the door on May 1,” Drysdale said. May 1 is traditionally associated with global protests against capitalism, and Drysdale hopes people will take advantage of the general lawlessness of the day and “smother the streets in piss”.

Meanwhile, openly conservative company Huggies have jumped into the fray, sending Samantha Cameron a bumper pack of adult size Night Night nappies, with careful instructions on application and tips on avoiding nappy rash. Mrs Cameron is expecting her fourth child and will no doubt be pleased to have an oversized infant on whom to refresh her mothering technique.

Tories Cure Cancer Says Daily Mail

The Daily Mail claims today that new scientific evidence proves that voting for David Cameron at the upcoming election will cure cancer. The report also claims that “voting for Nick Clegg will give you bad AIDS and voting for Gordon Brown will give you mild thrush”.

According to The Mail the research, conducted by first year drama students at King’s College London, shows that “cancer sufferers released a hormone called klaggiporuscraboxide when informed in controlled conditions that David Cameron was running the country under a Tory government”. Terminally ill patient Jason Woodruff was given just 2 hours to live but made a complete recovery “I couldn’t believe it, it’s a miracle, even my hair grew back instantly!

The research also shows that healthy subjects caught bad AIDS when informed the Lib Dems were running the country.

New opinion polls show that the Tories are now well ahead with 83 per cent.

Labour representative Arthur Conduit said: “this is a ridiculous made up fact from worried right wing Journalists in response to recent opinion polls which show David Cameron is as popular a choice for running the country as an out-of-date Scotched Egg”.

The Daily Mail will not affect your statutory rights.

Cameron ‘ballistic’ over Dib Dabs

As David Cameron prepared for his final face-to-face with Gordon Brown in the House of Commons yesterday there was just one thing on his mind. It wasn’t the big questions about tax or spending, or the anticipation of Gordon Brown’s ill-tempered jibes. It was a packet of fine white powder hidden in the top drawer of his desk.

David Cameron has developed an addiction to Dib Dabs, a bag of sherbert with a hard lolly on a stick that is repeatedly sucked and dipped into the dry, sweet powder. And it's a habit that his staff believe is pushing him over the edge.

Cameron’s addiction to the sugary sweet is spiralling out of control, sources say. The father of four’s ten-pack-a-day habit sees him dibbing at his desk, dabbing in the back of his stretch limo and sometimes dib dabbing late into the night whilst cackling over an old Eton yearbook and circling with red ink the chums he hopes to summon to his side when Tory victory is declared.

Cameron’s habit has left Tory Party drones fearful. “He’s constantly sending the work experience boy out to the corner shop,” one unnamed source said. “He times him and if he takes longer than five minutes he goes ballistic. The last lad quit because he wet himself with fright at the yelling. When Mr Cameron saw what had happened he rubbed the poor boy's nose in the mess like a naughty puppy.”

It’s well known that Cameron once dabbled in drugs, a fact which saw the Conservative leader widely condemned. Now, his frightened staff wish he would send out for some quality Moroccan hash instead of the rage-inducing Dib Dabs.

“When he smoked spliffs he’d play Barrington Levy records and do imitations of Boris Johnson and Maggie Thatcher and we’d all have a laugh,” the source said. “Now it’s Dib Dabs every day the laughter is gone and his eyes are all cold and empty.”