Walthamstow to be Hidden from Olympic Visitors

The London suburb of Walthamstow is to be hidden under a giant sheet of tarpaulin during the Olympics in a controversial bid to conceal the poor from London 2012 visitors.

The Olympic Delivery Authority (ODA) has requested that chavs, hooligans and pound shops in the area of Walthamstow should be kept out of sight during the Games. However, the only way the council can conceive such a plan is to cover the entire area in a sheet of tarpaulin resembling the idyllic London town of Richmond when viewed from a certain angle at Stratford.

Visitors to the Olympics will not have to witness the full horrors of the stow at all as the tarpaulin will be erected a week before the Games start. 

 A typical Walthamstow street will soon look like this

The Leader of Waltham Forest council, Cllr Basil Fawlty told Gusset News: “the ODA is like well in charge of everything and higher up than God so we have to lie down and let them bum us. Oops did I say that out loud?”

The ODA claims its sponsors have the right to ensure their brands are presented in the highest quality format possible. “Adidas and McDonald's do not wish to be associated with the likes of hoodies or the overweight”, said an ODA spokesperson.

McDonalds to Sponsor The Lazy

Up to 29.16 million people could be forced to "get up off their lazy arses and get a fucking job" according to a new ConDem dossier to cut benefits.

Families on jobseekers allowance will no longer be able to afford wide screen TVs, ipads and Sky TV. However, American food giants McDonald's have stepped in and saved the day with their 'sponsoring a layabout' initiative.

Layabouts on on the scheme will have to wear McDonald's logos at all times and eat only at Maccy D's or else their benefit will cease. Families on the scheme are said to be 'delighted'. Martin Chugnut, a working class oik from Ilford said "I'd be fucking honoured to wear the Golden Arches accross my man-tits".

A chav enjoys sponsored rations

Labour has criticised the scheme claiming that the sponsorship deal with McDonald's is a form of "social cleansing" to build a wider gap between the rich and the poor. Labour leader Ed Miliband said, "It is tantamount to labelling the poor as slobs and will obviously be a strain on the NHS". He went on to say, "Isn't 'tantamount' a wicked word, it just rolls off the tongue!"

David Cameron has dismissed the claims saying "it will mean the working classes will still be able to afford to do the things they like doing like darts and cider. Nothing will change".

There are now talks of the UK's Disability Allowance being sponsored by Adidas.

BP boss' McDonald's shame

Fall from grace: Tony Hayward's supersized shame.

Just days after disgraced BP chief executive Tony Hayward was sacked, he has been ordered to pay $32.6bn (£20.6bn) in oil spill costs.

Hayward has been made personally accountable for the environmental disaster and has been instructed to cough up enough to clean up all the sticky penguins, soiled beaches and poisoned fish.

The slippery Brit has been forced to move his family out of their 23-bedroom mansion in Windsor and relocate to a council estate in Slough. The sale of his estate fetched £5.2 million. Hayward will pay the remainder off at £50/week for 4,016,000 weeks in his new role as an assistant deputy manager at McDonald’s in Slough.

Yesterday his manager said he was doing well. “His customer service skills are improving, but we don’t let him near the deep fat fryer, for obvious reasons.”

Hayward has also been ordered by a BP court judge to spend 456,730 hours scrubbing down oily wildlife as part of a community service penalty. He will also be issuing a handwritten apology to every bird affected by the spill.

Meanwhile, Hayward’s two children, Tarquin and Sairose, have been taken out of their £345,000/year school and sent to Slough Comprehensive. “The uniforms chafe so, and they don’t even have any decent polo ponies,” complained Sairose to a Gusset reporter yesterday.

The children have also suffered a pocket money paycut of over 99.8 per cent as their weekly dosh is slashed from £1500 to just £3.50.