McDonalds to Sponsor The Lazy

Up to 29.16 million people could be forced to "get up off their lazy arses and get a fucking job" according to a new ConDem dossier to cut benefits.

Families on jobseekers allowance will no longer be able to afford wide screen TVs, ipads and Sky TV. However, American food giants McDonald's have stepped in and saved the day with their 'sponsoring a layabout' initiative.

Layabouts on on the scheme will have to wear McDonald's logos at all times and eat only at Maccy D's or else their benefit will cease. Families on the scheme are said to be 'delighted'. Martin Chugnut, a working class oik from Ilford said "I'd be fucking honoured to wear the Golden Arches accross my man-tits".

A chav enjoys sponsored rations

Labour has criticised the scheme claiming that the sponsorship deal with McDonald's is a form of "social cleansing" to build a wider gap between the rich and the poor. Labour leader Ed Miliband said, "It is tantamount to labelling the poor as slobs and will obviously be a strain on the NHS". He went on to say, "Isn't 'tantamount' a wicked word, it just rolls off the tongue!"

David Cameron has dismissed the claims saying "it will mean the working classes will still be able to afford to do the things they like doing like darts and cider. Nothing will change".

There are now talks of the UK's Disability Allowance being sponsored by Adidas.

"Dedward" leads Labour

David and Edward Miliband have decided to lead Labour to victory by teaming up together, Jedward style, senior party sources revealed this morning.

"Our quiffs are a 'work in progress'" [and so are our photoshopping skills]

Labour's new leaders are desperate to beat the current ConDem government in the next election. "Two against two is like loads fairer than one against two", said Ed, or was it David? He went on to say "This is about a new future for the Labour Party and we is like so brill we're gonna win".

The brothers have already held talks about getting matching skinny jeans and quiffs, in order to appeal to the 'youth' culture. "We need twelve year-olds to love us, just like Jedward, because those oiks, I mean children will be our voters in a few years time", said one of the irritating tossers.

David Cameron laughed so much when he heard about the new branding idea that he ruptured his innards. However his spleen, Nick Clegg said "Dead wood? If it sounds like a turd and smells like one, it propbably is one"

Dedward are in talks with Simon Cowell about releasing a Christmas single.