GP Receptionists to Carry Out Medical Procedures

The Government has launched an NHS spending report today confirming that GP receptionists will now see patients for most illnesses.

Angela Lansbury, Health Secretary, said "too many ill people are going to see their GP. GPs simply haven't got time for this nonsense".

The Government report states that seeing patients and dealing with illness account for 25% of a GPs' workload, costing the NHS £3bn per year. This cost can be halved by GP receptionists carrying out easy medical procedures such as prescribing medication, administering flu jabs and inserting a male catheter.

All GP receptionists in the UK will be given instruction manuals and a pair of rubber gloves.

GP receptionist Jane Miggins gets ready to examine a prostate gland

Professor Martin Snashall, CEO of the Royal College of GPs said: "GP receptionists are rude, clumsy and look like pig farmers. This is a sure way to keep whinging patients away from busy GPs".

Dr Das, a GP from Walthamstow said "I'd rather be anally raped in the ear than talk to a pensioner about the colour of their phlegm", he went on to say "I only earn seventy thousand per annum and it proper knobs me off when a patient interrupts me updating Twitter".

A GP surgery in Worthing already has its cleaning staff conducting minor surgery.

Contestants will be harmed in Big Brother 11

Channel 4 have teamed up with the NHS to ‘cull’ BB11 contestants live on TV. Each contestant allegedly cost taxpayers £800,000 per year on housing, dole-spunking and NHS fees. “Everyone’s a winner” said Health Secretary Andrew Lansley.

BB11 executive producer Andy Smart said, “these oiks are a drain on society and the public will feel some catharsis after being bothered by their vacuous faces for 13 weeks.”

The contestants, who include seven inches of eyebrow, a posh tory cunt, a Dickensian lesbian, a one-eyed bloke with no legs, a fluorescent orange Katie Price and a fat ‘she-male’ monk who believes in UFOs, are not aware that they will be killed violently when they're voted out the house.

Unibrowed Nathan costs the NHS £500K p.a. in ingrown hair removal fees

“They’ll get their interview and best bits and after that they will die a horrible death chosen by viewers,” said Davina McCall.

Contestants will be delighted to receive an extra 15 minutes of broadcast fame as multiple death choices include being strapped to a rubbish robot on ‘Robot Wars’, being Shumba’s live prey on ‘The Lion Man’ and being sautéed on Channel 4’s ‘Come Dine With Me’.

Even the BB11 winner will not escape euthanasia “This year’s winner will be run over by Pat Butcher in an live Eastenders special episode,” said the Health Secretary. “My wife and I can’t wait!”

Health Secretary axes ‘Holby City'

Gusset reporters have unearthed a top secret Tory plan to axe the hugely popular hospital drama ‘Holby City’.

Secretary of State for Health, Andrew Lansley, said he wanted to “cut NHS costs by £6billion by 2011” at a press conference last week.

Andrew Lansley denies the Tories secret plan to axe 'Holby City'

The secret plans show that axing hospital programmes such as ‘Holby City’ and ‘Casualty’ will save the country a fortune and release funds for weapons and bonuses for bankers.

BBC’s crappier soap ‘Doctors’ is also likely to be axed according to the plans, despite it only costing £2.43 per episode.

Shadow Health Secretary Harold Shipman was shocked: “it’s ridiculous, the Tories want to close all NHS services and force patients to turn to ITV, or God forbid, Channel FIVE."

'HOLBY SAVED MUMMY'

Derek Staples is convinced that ‘Holby City’ saved his Mum's life.

When Doreen Staples had a headache and her face started melting, she thought it was indigestion.

Vigilant Derek quickly watched the entire ‘Holby City’ box set. Realising her symptoms were serious, he called an ambulance. Seconds later Doreen had a heart attack. Derek said: "It's thanks to ‘Holby’ that Mummy is alive today."

The Tories denied their intentions to axe the hospital programmes despite Lansley’s Facebook status quoting: “Andrew is gonna axe Holby City. Yay for me!”