Jesus face found on wank sock

Jesus’ face frequently appears on Marmite jars, drainpipes and fields but Simon Marshall from Lincoln was surprised to find Jesus’ face in his favourite wank sock.

“At first I thought it was Noel Edmonds, but when I looked closer I realised it was Jesus H Chris!” Said Mr Marshall, who noticed the stain as he put his wank sock in the washing machine.

The estate agent went on to say: “It’s my favourite wank sock, it’s a wool mix and never stiffens. I’m honoured that Jesus decided to appear and it’s obviously a message to say I should stop wanking but I love it.”

After discovering the religious stain Mr. Marshall took the sock to his local church where the Reverend Paul Yarrow of the Church of Holy Trinity confirmed that the wank stain was a genuine representation of Christ. He said “Yep. That’s him”.

Mr Marshall is selling his wank sock on Gumtree and confirms that this incident will not stop him from wanking.

GP Receptionists to Carry Out Medical Procedures

The Government has launched an NHS spending report today confirming that GP receptionists will now see patients for most illnesses.

Angela Lansbury, Health Secretary, said "too many ill people are going to see their GP. GPs simply haven't got time for this nonsense".

The Government report states that seeing patients and dealing with illness account for 25% of a GPs' workload, costing the NHS £3bn per year. This cost can be halved by GP receptionists carrying out easy medical procedures such as prescribing medication, administering flu jabs and inserting a male catheter.

All GP receptionists in the UK will be given instruction manuals and a pair of rubber gloves.

GP receptionist Jane Miggins gets ready to examine a prostate gland

Professor Martin Snashall, CEO of the Royal College of GPs said: "GP receptionists are rude, clumsy and look like pig farmers. This is a sure way to keep whinging patients away from busy GPs".

Dr Das, a GP from Walthamstow said "I'd rather be anally raped in the ear than talk to a pensioner about the colour of their phlegm", he went on to say "I only earn seventy thousand per annum and it proper knobs me off when a patient interrupts me updating Twitter".

A GP surgery in Worthing already has its cleaning staff conducting minor surgery.

British icon Paul Daniels found dead

Legendary British magician, Paul Daniels, has died today aged 143.

The micro-magician was found dead near his home in Berkshire after choking on his magic wand. His agent said, "Paul was trying to learn a new magic trick, which sadly backfired". He went on to say "The news comes only days after the man who invented Segways was killed by one. Paul invented magic, and it was magic that killed him".

The pint-sized trickster has graced our living rooms since TV was invented in 1885 with his snazzy magic skills. He was known for his quick-fire fingers, walnut whip toupee and for placing spangley blonds in small boxes and slicing them up.

Paul's wife of 68 years, (the Lovely) Debbie McGee, was thought to be upset by her husband's sudden death, she said "he was my husband".

The news has shocked celebrities from all over the world. Nelson Mandela, a well-known fan of the crinkly midget, made the following statement: "He was my hero and my muse. Without his clever tricks and magic puns I would not be the man I am today."

Lady Gaga will dedicate her next album to Paul, she said, "I blame all these new-fangled magicians like Kenneth Branagh who do these clever things with mind-control or living inside glass boxes. Paul tried to keep up, but in the end it killed him. Tragic magic".

The funeral will be held next week in a small racist London suburb.

Beckham Amazes USA With His Joined-up Writing

David Beckham stunned wife Victoria yesterday when he presented her with something written in joined-up handwriting.

Victoria rang Gusset News this morning and said "He wrote 'I love you' on a piece of card and the 'love' and 'you' was joined up. He's very clever is my Golden Balls".

David Beckham can now spell 'ball' but is struggling with words like 'crumpet'.

Beckham, who used to play for England, has been practising joined-up writing and colouring-in since 1998. "We've been so impressed with his progress. He never colours off side and no longer dribbles when he sees Cheryl Cole naked", said Victoria. "Next year he's going to start sums and read books with font size as low as 16".

The Beckhams have no other news at this time, are not expecting any more babies and are bonafide and interesting celebrities.

Pope Arrives in Scotland

Pasty-faced Glaswegians await the over-anticipated visit of Pope Benedict the 16th today. The residents of Scotland's roughest town are said to be mildly amused by the arrival of the Catholic leader and some will line the streets and probably soil themselves with apathy as the 'Pope Mobile' passes at 6 mph through the intrepid city centre.

The 'Pope Mobile'

Pope officials said Benedict was 'concerned' that the Queen asked him to enter the UK via Scotland. A Pope colleague told Gusset News: "He's had a rabies inoculation and is taking malaria tablets. He also insists on wearing a bullet-proof vest and mitre".

The Queen is planning a special Scottish feast at Edinburgh's Holyrood House for the Religious Royal. Deep fried haggis will be served from the thighs of a pre-pubescent choir boy and Tennents Special Brew will be 'on tap' from 6am.

The Pope is expected to launch his official commemorative Pope Merchandise later this afternoon.

Scotland has had to place all of its assets in the Aberdeen branch of Cash Converters in order to fund the Pope's visit.

Jesus's Face Found in Skid Marks

Laundry day turned into a holy event when Eunice Jiggins found the face of Jesus in her husband’s skid marks.

“There I was, separating the whites from darks, when I found myself looking into the eyes of the Son of God”, said Eunice. “We’d had a particularly potent curry last Monday and my husband was trumping like a Frenchman!”

Eunice shows Gusset Muncher her husband’s sacred skids.

Husband Jim, said he was surprised when he saw the artwork his bum produced. “I can’t believe God chose my gusset to send the world a message. It’s definitely Jesus, I know that face anywhere. It’s comforting to know he’s watching over us”.

Neighbours and residents from their home-town Bognor Regis have been queuing outside since the news spread. “They come every day and kiss the crusty brown marks of the Lord”, said housewife Eunice.

Not all are optimistic about the authenticity of the Lord’s gravy stains. “It looks more like Richard Madeley”, said Reverend Carmichael. “It’s not as good as the one in the Marmite jar, although it smells nicer”.