Cheryl Cole to be infected with Aids virus

The publicity surrounding Cheryl Cole’s malaria treatment has been so effective that her PR team is considering having the singer contract the Aids virus.

Cheryl, 27, contracted malaria on a visit to Tanzania with her boyfriend Derek Hough. Upon her return to England she became ill and Hough quickly called The Mirror and The Sun before rushing her to hospital.

Fortunately for the future of pop music, the singer is now on the mend and is planning to return to Africa to hand out mosquito nets in a bid to send sales of her latest album, I’m Not a Racist Because I’ve Been to Africa, through the roof.

Cheryl’s PR team, who smoothed the waters after the singer and X Factor judge assaulted a black toilet attendant in 2003, are excited about further opportunities for the entertainer.

“The whole country fell to its knees when Cheryl was admitted to hospital,” PR guru Max Clifford said. “They completely forgot that she can’t sing well and that she hit that black woman and called her a ‘black bitch’ in 2003. Cheryl is like a racist Princess Diana.”

Sick: Cheryl Cole's impractical wardrobe meant she was fair game for mozzies.

Clifford is in talks with doctors about having Cheryl infected with the Aids virus. If handled correctly, the virus could bring about benefit concerts and enormously successful singles for the purveyor of forgettable pop.

“With today’s medicine, it’s still possible to live normally with the Aids virus,” said Clifford. “Cheryl will have a good ten years – which also happens to be the lifespan of a mediocre popstar.”

Iceland eruption an elaborate hoax

The spectacular eruption of Mt Eyjafjallajokull last week has caused chaos to travellers and sparked fears of health problems from falling ash.

But one expert suggests the volcano may never have erupted at all.

Department of Tectonic Activity head volcanologist Martin Prithee believes the small island nation has pulled off the world’s greatest PR stunt, using cleverly edited footage to fool the world into thinking a spectacular eruption is taking place.

Experts believe eruption images like this may be fabricated.

“Eyjafjallajokull is a dormant volcano,” Prithee said. “Looking at the seismic data there is just no way it could erupt, not without substantial prior tectonic activity.”

Prithee said the DTA had been closely monitoring the country and was “dumbfounded” to hear of the eruption.

“[The DTA] is very sceptical,” he said.

Prithee believes Iceland has fabricated the eruption and what we’ve been seeing on the news is heavily edited footage of the 1994 Usami eruption in Indonesia.

“I think what we’re seeing is a world-class PR stunt,” he said.

Iceland was hit hard by the financial crisis and has been struggling to keep afloat. The International Monetary Fund has just loaned the beleaguered nation £2.1 billion.

Prithee believes the eruption is an elaborate ploy to bring tourist dollars to the cash-strapped country.

“Just think about it – Iceland’s population is around 300,000. The IMF loan is around £2 billion. It’s a daunting debt and they’re looking at clever ways to pay their £6666 individual debts back.”

Prithee believes PR guru Max Clifford may be behind the stunt. Clifford, who counts Madeline McCann’s parents and Jordan among his clients, denies the claim.

“I have no involvement with the eruption of Mt Eyjafjallajokull.” He said fluently. “But I wish the people of Iceland well. It’s a beautiful country with hospitable people, striking mountains and wondrous geysers. And with flights starting at £54.99 return from Gatwick Airport, it’s cheaper and easier to visit than ever before.”

However, the stunt may have backfired, with thousands of stranded travellers venting their wrath at the small, ice-covered country as they pace back and forth in airports all over the world.

“I f*&king hate Iceland,” said Deirdre Barnes, a Southport woman stranded at Skegness Airport. “They’re a nation of rotten-meat eating, dog-licking peasants and they can suck my balls. Thanks to Iceland it looks like I’ll be stuck in Skegness forever.”