Pope condemns Babelfish after translation errors

After a disgruntled tramp found differently translated versions of a book by Pope Benedict XVI in a bin, Vatican CIty has excreted a series of spastic excuses.

The Vatican has been cutting costs and admitted using free online translation service 'Babelfish' to translate official interviews with the Pope for his book ' Light of the World'.

The original version, in Italian, apparently said: 'use of a condom by an HIV-infected male prostitute may be a good idea'. However, the English and German translations state: 'all tracksuit wearing AIDS-ridden council skanks, like Cheryl Cole, must use condoms or face death by stoning'.

Pope Benedict XVI, originally from Germany, who can speak many languages including German, blamed an 'inept temp' for the error. He said "this poxy temp has made me look like a xenophobic paedo-okayer with out-of-date idealisms, for which I can only apologise".

Danny Dyer, official spokesman for the working classes told Gusset News: "This is a f***ing bull*** excuse. The c***ing Pope clearly doesn't want c***s like me to breed or enjoy the pleasures of f***ing without the consequences of having some c***-faced brat to bring up"

The Vatican clarified that the ban on the use of condoms, or any other device, for sexy fun purposes remains. However when you translate this with Babelfish it says: "The remnant Vatican prohibits some Welsh cheeses but likes to bark at cars."

Cheryl Cole to be infected with Aids virus

The publicity surrounding Cheryl Cole’s malaria treatment has been so effective that her PR team is considering having the singer contract the Aids virus.

Cheryl, 27, contracted malaria on a visit to Tanzania with her boyfriend Derek Hough. Upon her return to England she became ill and Hough quickly called The Mirror and The Sun before rushing her to hospital.

Fortunately for the future of pop music, the singer is now on the mend and is planning to return to Africa to hand out mosquito nets in a bid to send sales of her latest album, I’m Not a Racist Because I’ve Been to Africa, through the roof.

Cheryl’s PR team, who smoothed the waters after the singer and X Factor judge assaulted a black toilet attendant in 2003, are excited about further opportunities for the entertainer.

“The whole country fell to its knees when Cheryl was admitted to hospital,” PR guru Max Clifford said. “They completely forgot that she can’t sing well and that she hit that black woman and called her a ‘black bitch’ in 2003. Cheryl is like a racist Princess Diana.”

Sick: Cheryl Cole's impractical wardrobe meant she was fair game for mozzies.

Clifford is in talks with doctors about having Cheryl infected with the Aids virus. If handled correctly, the virus could bring about benefit concerts and enormously successful singles for the purveyor of forgettable pop.

“With today’s medicine, it’s still possible to live normally with the Aids virus,” said Clifford. “Cheryl will have a good ten years – which also happens to be the lifespan of a mediocre popstar.”