Simon Cowell to be replaced by spanner

American Idol bosses have decided to replace Simon Cowell on next year’s season with a spanner.

Simon Cowell plans to leave the show so that he can concentrate on American X Factor, America's Got Talent, and America's Next Top Inane Mediocre Wannabe series.

Idol boss Simon Fuller is said to be desperate to land an equally big personality to fill his seat, and a spanner fits the bill perfectly. “Everyone agrees a spanner would be great as a full-time judge and will have as much sex appeal as Simon" said Fuller.

Simon Cowell: sex appeal.

Amanda Holden, who will be replaced by a set of taps on next year's Britain's Got Talent, said "Simon's toughness is irreplaceable, but I've seen the spanner in action and it's just as opinionated and forthright". She went on to say, "you can hardly tell the difference between the two, the spanner is a massive tool and so is Simon".

Will a spanner fit the bill? "We think it would be a great judge and it certainly has a lot of experience in the industry" said Fuller, "let's just hope it can get on with Sharon Osbourne".

Simon Suffers Mediocre Heart Attack After Counting Cash

Entrepreneur of mediocre pop Simon Cowell suffered a heart attack on Saturday after four and a half months of intensive money counting.

Simon had been counting his money intensively for 12 hours every day since 12^th December 2009 but lost count while numbers were announced during last Saturday’s National Lottery.

Mediocre friend Cheryl Cole said “he was well gootted leek, he got to £111,321,647.87 and then sooddenly he lost where he was and could’nae start ageen. I can tootally understand whyeee got soo mad leek”.

Medics at St Thomas’ hospital in London said last night that his anger and rage caused a severe spasm of the coronary artery causing a mediocre heart attack “we are keeping him away from things that make him angry such as the Lloyds TSB advert and Duncan Bannatyne, who has more money than him”.

Close relatives and friends were concerned that Cowell, aged 64, had locked himself away since before Christmas to count his money. 

“He divan’t wanna come oot soo we joost livum there leek”, said Cheryl. He apparently only surfaced to eat dinner and watch ‘Deal or No Deal’.

It was alleged last night that he only had just one more piggy bank left to count.