Pope condemns Babelfish after translation errors

After a disgruntled tramp found differently translated versions of a book by Pope Benedict XVI in a bin, Vatican CIty has excreted a series of spastic excuses.

The Vatican has been cutting costs and admitted using free online translation service 'Babelfish' to translate official interviews with the Pope for his book ' Light of the World'.

The original version, in Italian, apparently said: 'use of a condom by an HIV-infected male prostitute may be a good idea'. However, the English and German translations state: 'all tracksuit wearing AIDS-ridden council skanks, like Cheryl Cole, must use condoms or face death by stoning'.

Pope Benedict XVI, originally from Germany, who can speak many languages including German, blamed an 'inept temp' for the error. He said "this poxy temp has made me look like a xenophobic paedo-okayer with out-of-date idealisms, for which I can only apologise".

Danny Dyer, official spokesman for the working classes told Gusset News: "This is a f***ing bull*** excuse. The c***ing Pope clearly doesn't want c***s like me to breed or enjoy the pleasures of f***ing without the consequences of having some c***-faced brat to bring up"

The Vatican clarified that the ban on the use of condoms, or any other device, for sexy fun purposes remains. However when you translate this with Babelfish it says: "The remnant Vatican prohibits some Welsh cheeses but likes to bark at cars."

Beckham Amazes USA With His Joined-up Writing

David Beckham stunned wife Victoria yesterday when he presented her with something written in joined-up handwriting.

Victoria rang Gusset News this morning and said "He wrote 'I love you' on a piece of card and the 'love' and 'you' was joined up. He's very clever is my Golden Balls".

David Beckham can now spell 'ball' but is struggling with words like 'crumpet'.

Beckham, who used to play for England, has been practising joined-up writing and colouring-in since 1998. "We've been so impressed with his progress. He never colours off side and no longer dribbles when he sees Cheryl Cole naked", said Victoria. "Next year he's going to start sums and read books with font size as low as 16".

The Beckhams have no other news at this time, are not expecting any more babies and are bonafide and interesting celebrities.

Cheryl Cole to be infected with Aids virus

The publicity surrounding Cheryl Cole’s malaria treatment has been so effective that her PR team is considering having the singer contract the Aids virus.

Cheryl, 27, contracted malaria on a visit to Tanzania with her boyfriend Derek Hough. Upon her return to England she became ill and Hough quickly called The Mirror and The Sun before rushing her to hospital.

Fortunately for the future of pop music, the singer is now on the mend and is planning to return to Africa to hand out mosquito nets in a bid to send sales of her latest album, I’m Not a Racist Because I’ve Been to Africa, through the roof.

Cheryl’s PR team, who smoothed the waters after the singer and X Factor judge assaulted a black toilet attendant in 2003, are excited about further opportunities for the entertainer.

“The whole country fell to its knees when Cheryl was admitted to hospital,” PR guru Max Clifford said. “They completely forgot that she can’t sing well and that she hit that black woman and called her a ‘black bitch’ in 2003. Cheryl is like a racist Princess Diana.”

Sick: Cheryl Cole's impractical wardrobe meant she was fair game for mozzies.

Clifford is in talks with doctors about having Cheryl infected with the Aids virus. If handled correctly, the virus could bring about benefit concerts and enormously successful singles for the purveyor of forgettable pop.

“With today’s medicine, it’s still possible to live normally with the Aids virus,” said Clifford. “Cheryl will have a good ten years – which also happens to be the lifespan of a mediocre popstar.”

Simon Suffers Mediocre Heart Attack After Counting Cash

Entrepreneur of mediocre pop Simon Cowell suffered a heart attack on Saturday after four and a half months of intensive money counting.

Simon had been counting his money intensively for 12 hours every day since 12^th December 2009 but lost count while numbers were announced during last Saturday’s National Lottery.

Mediocre friend Cheryl Cole said “he was well gootted leek, he got to £111,321,647.87 and then sooddenly he lost where he was and could’nae start ageen. I can tootally understand whyeee got soo mad leek”.

Medics at St Thomas’ hospital in London said last night that his anger and rage caused a severe spasm of the coronary artery causing a mediocre heart attack “we are keeping him away from things that make him angry such as the Lloyds TSB advert and Duncan Bannatyne, who has more money than him”.

Close relatives and friends were concerned that Cowell, aged 64, had locked himself away since before Christmas to count his money. 

“He divan’t wanna come oot soo we joost livum there leek”, said Cheryl. He apparently only surfaced to eat dinner and watch ‘Deal or No Deal’.

It was alleged last night that he only had just one more piggy bank left to count.