Prime Ministers in Other Countries are Cunts Too say Scientists

Scientific research commissioned by United Nations has proved that members of parliament, president-types and Prime Ministers are cunts, regardless of which country they hail from.

Professor Dean Gaffney lead the research project originally set up in 1996. He told Gusset News: "We were expecting that only 80-85% of MPs would actually be complete and utter cuntfucks, and so we were surprised by the findings. Some MPs are merely wankers and knob-jockeys. But 99.8% of them are cunts". He went on to list the main findings of the research:

- Tony Blair was a mega cunt from day 1 but the invasion of Iraq sent him off the cuntometer.

- Barack Obama was expected to be a reasonable decent bloke but it turns out he's a complete cunt.

- Silvio Berlusconi was merely an ancient penis last week, but now he's 100% cunt for spending $10,000,000,000 defacing another ancient penis.

- Nicolas Sarkozy is a racist cunt for banning burkas and the Welsh from France.

Nick Clegg is only a small cunt for his insignificunt role in the British government

The list of government cunts is endless and a full list of cunts near you can be found here:

MPs across Britain and Europe mostly agree with these findings, unless their opposition agree.

Hedgehogs fitted with wellies while pensioners freeze

Snug: a hedgehog contemplates his new designer boots.

A government plan to outfit hedgehogs with designer winter footwear has been greeted by anger by pensioners affected by the latest budget cuts.

A document leaked today to Gusset News showed that the ConDem government has set aside £6.2 billion to supply the United Kingdom’s estimated 80 million hedgehogs with wellington boots.

The specially designed boots are designed to keep hedgehogs’ feet dry and warm this winter. They are made from organic Borneo rubber and lined with Peruvian sheep’s wool. The boots are red with a white stripe, and have been hand painted by artist Amish Kapoor.

While the prickly creatures will no doubt be happy with this development, not everyone feels the same way.

As the country is plunged into winter, pensioners across Britain are feeling the pinch. Ninety-five-year-old Mavis Beacon, from Clapton, says her heating allowance has been cut, along with her pension. “I’m living on the snails that I find in the back of my cupboards,” she whinged. “What makes hedgehogs so darn special?”

Skegness’ oldest resident, Marty Pellow, aged 135, says he was forced to burn his wife to keep warm, and that he did not see the use of fitting hedgehogs with wellington boots while there were so many people going without. “This government only cares about you if you’re small and cute,” he grumbled.

George Osborne defended the decision, saying that hedgehogs are an important symbol of Britain. “They’re short, fat and spiky - just like the general population. They’re also much cuter than pensioners and they hate having wet feet, I just don’t understand the controversy.”

The decision has echoes of Margaret Thatcher’s 1984 move to force the British public to knit cardigans for the howler monkeys of Central America while miners froze to death in the wastelands of the north.

Circus to counsel people scared of clowns

A CIRCUS is offering a counselling service for people who suffer from coulrophobia - the fear of clowns.

John Lawson's Circus, which tours the UK, offers workshops where people can meet two clowns and see them get into character.

The clown-fearers will be forced to watch mime and lame visual gags for four hours until they realise that clowns are not scary, just a tedious talent vacuum and general waste of everyone’s time and money.

If the coulrophobics are still quaking after the boredom therapy they will be placed into a small cage with a clown dressed as Stephen King’s It for three hours. The clown will touch them inappropriately and cut their faces with rusty blades. This therapy is known as ‘flooding’ and sees patients exposed to large amounts of the feared stimulus to shock them into mental health.

Clowns: boring and pointless.

Former coulrophobia Martin Clunes said his fear was ruining his life. “I would freeze up whenever I had to pass a circus tent or a mini because I thought clowns would start pouring out.”

Clunes said it was difficult to pinpoint the origins of his phobia but suggested it may have had something to do with a mime artist brutally murdering his parents in front of him when he was five years old.

Chickens strike in BNP egg row

Chickens all over Britain have refused to lay eggs in case they're wasted on a racist MP's face.

The purchasing of eggs rises in areas where BNP members are expected to visit. Eggs 'sold out' all over Westminster well before 10am yesterday as protesters expected wonky-eyed fascist and BNP leader Nick Griffin to arrive at the Queen's Garden Party.

"I spend hours squeezing out my eggs each week and I'm not having them wasted on any nazi lickers", said Henrietta from Glee Farm in Sussex. "I don't care if I explode, from now on I'm holding them in like a fart at a funeral".

Federal Union of Chickens reported that hens of all shapes and colours across the UK were clenching their egg-holes - a highly dangerous and life-threatening sacrifice. "We've never had a unanimous vote like this, these chickens are risking their lives to stop their shelled periods being lobbed at racist cunts. It's wonderful", said FUC.

Meanwhile BNP leader Nick Griffin has gone to the European Parliament in a bid to label egg boxes clearly, showing whether they were laid by black, brown or white hens. "I only want eggs from white hens thrown at me and my team", said Griffin.

As Griffin was uninvited from the Queen's Garden Party yesterday, protesters broke the world record by making the biggest ever omlette in Trafalgar Square. "If chickens won't lay, we'll use ostrich eggs", said an angry protester, "there's no way we're being beaten on this one".

Cameron in pregnancy benefit shock

Big prick: Cameron allegedly ordered an employee to sabotage his condoms.

David Cameron secretly impregnated his wife to obtain extra child benefits, a source has revealed.

The cash-strapped PM allegedly knocked up his long-term squeeze Samantha after realising he would not be able to put luxury holidays and moat-cleaning on expenses, an anonymous aide to the leader revealed.

The aide said Cameron had sat up for hours on end researching benefits on the net. After discovering he was not eligible for sickness benefit or jobseeker’s allowance, he hit upon the idea of impregnating his wife.

“Cameron gave me a big pin and I had to go his bedside drawer and prick holes in all his condoms,” said the aide. “Then he ordered me to spike Sam’s Horlicks with Viagra and lube up all her crotchless knickers.”

The £20/week will be saved for ten years, at which time Cameron apparently intends to spend the £10,000 on a topless singles cruise.

This revelation follows the scandal that rocked Westmister last week when a secret tape revealed Cameron speaking candidly about his unborn child. The Tory leader can clearly be heard telling deputy PM Nick Clegg that he was considering selling his future child into white slavery once it reached the age of five. “Or maybe sell it for parts,” he was heard adding, to peals of laughter from Clegg.

Fake Bidder Sentenced For eBay Scam

MINCH NORTON

Paul Barrett has become the first person to be prosecuted in the UK for bidding against himself on online auction site eBay.

The online scamster was fined £5,000, ordered to carry out 250 hours of unpaid work and sentenced to death.

The judge said Barrett only escaped a prison sentence because of the relatively small amounts of money involved and because he had no previous convictions apart from placing a bet on himself with William Hill, to win the Paul Barrett World Cup, which saw Barrett organise, promote and feature as the only team in the Paul Barrett World Cup.

In a practice known as 'shill bidding', the minibus company owner used two different logins to bid against himself on items he was selling, forcing bidders to raise their prices.

Paul Barrett prepares to post himself to himself, after winning himself on eBay.

If Barrett accidentally won an auction he was bidding on he would leave positive feedback about himself but often, in a bad mood, he would berate himself as a crap seller, “Don’t buy anything from this tosser. Bought item 8 weeks ago and still no sign of it.” was just one of the reviews he left for himself.

Using this process he managed to sell two Mercedes vehicles, a pie and pasty warmer, a cash register, a refrigerated display counter, a Land Rover, a bacon butty, a shotgun and a digital camera.

His plan only unravelled after a buyer complained about a van he had been sold and Barrett's second identity was discovered.

The Jury, which was made up of banking CEO’s, ex-treasury ministers and an ex-Chancellor found Barrett guilty within minutes of gross misrepresentation, obtaining monies by deception, creating a false economy, market manipulation, selling items that people cannot really afford and wearing the wrong school tie.

On sentencing Barrett at Judge Peter Benson, said: "If you had gone to the right public school you would have had a great career in finance and we could have let you off with a special handshake. However, you are scum, poor, fat and bald; just not the right image we want for a Bilderberg member”

Uruguayan Referee Given New Identity

International hate figure, Jorge Larrionda, is to be given a new identity and will be moved to a secret location in the Antarctic.

It has been reported that the Uruguayan referee, who disallowed England's equalizing goal with Germany just before half time on Sunday's World Cup match, has more than 100 professionally hired assassins after him, as well as half a million angry football fans who have already burnt effigies of the fiend in Trafalger Square. "If I get my hands on him I'll move them goal-posts where the sun never shines", spurted angry fan, Fabio Capello.

Larrionda, whose children have been bullied at school since the spastic non-sightedness of their father, said he was 'delighted' that FIFA have funded his move to the Earth's armpit, "I am a massive cunt and everyone hates me, they'll never find me and I'm never apologising for my cock up, so there".

FIFA have also arranged for Larrionda's family to have face transplants, concealing their identities for life. Kevin Arnold, CEO at FIFA said "we've recently received four face donations from Ghana so there's no chance of the family being recognised in the snowy hell-hole".

Meanwhile, Gusset artists have compiled this impression of what the mongheaded referee, and his unfortunate family, will look like with their new Ghanaian face transplants.: