Jimmy Savile’s Ghost Caught Molesting Children

Even death hasn’t stopped Jimmy Savile from molesting children claims a new report.

New Scotland Yard published a report today stating that Sir Jimmy Savile has allegedly fiddled with seventeen kids since his death less than a year ago.

Jimmy in his heyday, probably thinking about kids

Witnesses state they saw the spirit of the late Top of the Pops presenter loitering outside a sweet shop in Peckham. “The dodgy looking ghoul seemed to groan in pleasure as my son exited the shop with a dib dab”. Said Judy Dench from the Old Kent Road. The mother of three went on to describe how the ghost rubbed it’s thighs as other children came out with bacon crisps.

The BBC denies these claims stating that that the Jim’ll Fix It ghost merely has a penchant for sherbet and Frazzles.

A spokesman for New Scotland Yard said that a warrant was out for Savile’s arrest but the spirit has walked through six police vehicles already. “Only Derek Acorah can help us now” said the chief of police.

Other parents claim that the paedo poltergeist followed some teenagers to school and got it's bum out in Mothercare. 

Pope's Commemorative Wank Sock Goes on Sale

Official merchandise and commemorative memorabilia to celebrate the Pope's visit to the UK have gone on sale today.  The pope's overrated and over anticipated visit on 16th September has brought feelings of apathy and nonchalance to an otherwise aroused Britain.

The Catholic Church has revealed some of its exclusive memorabilia in honour of its favourite zucchetto-wearing leader.

These briefs, previously only available to priests and bishops, will now be available to the common heathen. 

Available in Small, Medium, Large and Extra Large, these delightful 100% cotton briefs will make you feel like a sex on a stick.

The briefs come with classic Pope Benedict the 16th face logo and commemorative 2010 embroidery around the waist.

The Pope himself modelled these for the Catholic catalogue and told Gusset "this is all the Lord's creation, I am not smuggling a mitre would you believe!"

RRP. £13.99 + p&p

 This commemorative wank sock is exclusively available to Gusset Muncher subscribers only.

With its super absorbency it can handle 5-6 mop ups before going 'stiff as a board'. 

Comes with classic Pope Benedict the 16th face logo on both sides of the (w)ankle.

Benedict the 16th told Gusset, "There's no wet patch. It's like my Jesus Juice was invisible".

Priced competitively at 1.99 per sock.

Wash at 90 degrees.

The Catholic Church have brought out its own brand of cigarettes to commemorate the Pope's visit next month. The first 500 packets of 'Pope Puffs' sold will include a free set of rosary beads.

You will not only feel cool when you smoke these silky black cigarettes, but you'll look cool too. Hang outside a school with these and you'll make lots of friends within minutes.

Not available to gays, lesbians or Jews.

£9.99 plus VAT.

Other merchandise to on sale include balaclavas with the Pope's face sewn in, and highly flammable Sinead O'Connor effigies.