Gay Jesus "wore Speedos, spread bum-love"

British scientists in Jerusalem have discovered that Jesus Christ was crucified because of his homosexuality.

The team, lead by Ernest Monkhouse, has been investigating Jesus’ sexuality since 2005 and has made major discoveries. “We always wondered if he were gay, what with him never being married and that, and were amazed to find that was why he were crucified” Monkhouse said.

The Bible tells us the Messiah was charged with being possessed by Satan. However, Monkhouse’s team discovered that the Jews objected to Jesus' desire to spread bum-love. The new evidence shows that Jesus frequented gay bars, enjoyed musicals and wore Speedos.

New evidence reveals that Jesus was very gay indeed.

“We uncovered remnants of the original cross and it were covered with Hebrew homophobic graffiti which translated to ‘poof’, ‘gaylord’ and ‘die you big bearded fudge-packing bastard’. This proves that he were killed because of his love for mudflaps”, Monkhouse said.

Due to objections from religious groups, the investigation has proved difficult. “It’s not blasphemous”, explained Monkhouse, “at least eight per cent of the world’s population are gay so it’s as relevant as whether you support Man U or West Ham.”

Monkhouse’s team said several passages from the Bible were instrumental in the study. Some of the examples are listed below.

• In John 20:17, Jesus admonished Mary Magdeline to “touch me not, because women are minging.”
• Mark chapter 10 includes the passage: "And the youth, looking upon him (Jesus), loved him and beseeched that he might remain with him. ... And after six days, Jesus instructed him and, at evening, the youth came to him wearing a linen cloth over his naked body. And he remained with him that night, for Jesus taught him the mystery of the Kingdom of God".
• Later in the book of Mark (14:51-52), an account describes how Jesus and one of his disciples were caught scantily clad. When the police tried to seize the disciple, he ran away into the night, naked.

Undead shuffle into Downing Street

As Britons all over the country awoke to the prospect of a hung parliament today, one party is dead keen to get a slice of coalition action.

The Citizens for Undead Rights and Equality party’s unexpected election success has shocked political commentators and now CURE hope to gain further influence by joining Labour in forming a new government.

CURE received 482,000 votes, earning them six parliamentary seats and the attention of Gordon Brown, who is desperately casting around to form a Labour-led coalition government.

CURE candidate for Brighton and Hove Jeremy Beadle said the high number of votes received was “great news” – but not entirely unexpected. Polls and surveys tend to ignore the undead, meaning they are not represented in society. “Most undead keep themselves to themselves, hanging round cemeteries and industrial estates.” Beadle said.

This undead voter is in the minority, Beadle says. "Why can't we all just get along?"

Joining Labour in forming a new government would change this imbalance. “Brown has been dead for many years and knows all too well the level of discrimination and loneliness that the non-living experience,” Beadle said.

The pair met at Downing Street this morning to begin preliminary talks. “As soon as I shook his cold, dead hand and looked into his blank eyes I knew we were off to a winning start.”

Beadle has vehemently denied that greater undead influence in the sphere of power would lead to an influx of undead entering the country and stealing our jobs and women.

"The undead just want to be contributing members of society. They are for the most part highly educated and eager to work. We don't discriminate against people who are fat or Asian - why should we discriminate against someone simply because they don't breathe and sometimes shed rotting lumps of flesh?"

Meanwhile, a number of CURE voters missed the 10pm voting cut off thanks to their slow, shambling gait. Many were waiting in long queues last night to cast their ballot, while some were turned away altogether.

Undead voter Ima Rotten said people needed to learn that the undead were “just like everyone else – except dead. “We're a peaceful race, we're not like the undead portrayed in films, only a small minority go around biting people.”

See CURE's manifesto here.

Brown on crazed anti-Tory rampage

Reports that Gordon Brown has been adopting some unusual campaigning methods in the lead up to today’s general election have shocked the nation.

Late last night Brown was reportedly seen donning a black uniform and camouflage paint before getting into a black Ford transit van and wheel spinning away from Number 10 Downing Street.

He resurfaced in the traditional Tory constituency of Bromley and Chislehurst, where greengrocer Stan Ramsbottom says he heard a knock at the door at around 11.30pm. As he approached the door Mr Brown allegedly kicked it in and lunged at him. As he desperately fought the crazed Prime Minister off, the 68-year-old heard Brown scream, "You Tory shits are all the same, vote for Labour or I’ll be coming back for your kneecaps!"

Ramsbottom, who needed medical attention after the late-night visit, said Brown "smelled like he’d been drinking since early afternoon."

"He were clearly very angry that I wasn’t voting for him in election. I didn’t get chance to tell him that I’m not even eligible!" When asked how he could be sure that the attacker had been the country's leader Mr Ramsbottom replied 'It were obvious! He just had a bit of paint smeared above his eyes.'

Brown denied the allegations, calling the story ‘a Tory plot to discredit his campaign." However, CCTV footage sent into Gusset News this morning clearly shows a wild eyed Brown forcing his way into properties across the Bromley and Chislehurst area. The evidence has been sent to the PM’s advisors and we are currently waiting for a response.

Labour's majority has been steadily falling in the last fortnight but this desperate act will come as a genuine shock to the people of Great Britain and can surely only lead to a further dip in the Scot's popularity.

Harry Potter and the Nazi scandal

JK Rowling has denied claims that the latest Harry Potter book contains anti-semetic messages.

Excerpts from the author’s latest novel leaked to Gusset News last week contained a number of references to the atrocities committed against Jews in World War II.

Harry Potter and the Kibbutz sees characters Harry, Hermoine Grainger and Ronald Weasley travel to Israel on a gap year. The trio find work on a kibbutz, Israel’s answer to communal farming.

In chapter three, Harry confronts a pair of bullies as he weeds a flower bed. As he fumbles for his wand, Ron Weasley shouts “Magic the filthy kikes to the gas chamber, Potter!”

The final chapter sees the trio organising the annual kibbutz ball. The teenagers convert the barn into a giant concentration camp-style shower unit and issue invitations with swastika emblems urging male partygoers to dress as “Nazi youth” and females as “Nazi slutz.”

These excerpts are just two of many that have enraged Jewish groups around the world.

“It’s a travesty – a fun story about wizards ruined by horrific memories of war,” said concentration camp survivor Arthur Goldplatz. “Rowling is obviously trying to be a little edgy but she’s lost touch with the very real atrocities of World War II.”

JK Rowling once said in an interview that she found dressing up as a Nazi arousing.

Rowling, whose grandfather was a Nazi youth member, has denied the claims, claiming the novel's material is "light-hearted japes".

“Harry and his friends are just enjoying light-hearted japes, as all kids do,” she said yesterday. “When I was young I used to dress in my grandfather’s Nazi uniform and bayonet any neighbourhood cats who looked a bit Jewish. So what? Boys will be boys and Harry is no exception.”

Rowling is already hard at work on the next Harry Potter tome. The author, one of the United Kingdom's richest women, won't give much away except to say that the young wizard will put quidditch on the backburner and face some of his toughest ever challenges, including abortion, incest and genocide.

Harry Potter and the Gap Year Kibbutz is out in hardback on May 15 and retails at £15.99.

Brutal blood sport targets office wimps

Investigations into a spate of hospital admittances involving mid-pay grade workers have uncovered a sinister underground blood sport.

Hospitals have reported a sharp rise in cuts, severe bruising and broken bones among accountants, purchase ledger clerks and assistant managers. When questioned by police and hospital staff, patients were unforthcoming about the cause of their injuries.

“No one has any real explanation, patients feign deafness or just do that finger-in-ear ‘la la la, I can’t hear you’ thing,” a nurse at Greenwich Mean Hospital said.

However, extensive investigation by Gusset News reporters has uncovered the startling truth behind the mysterious injuries: a brutal blood sport known as Sage fighting.

Named for the Sage business software, Sage Fighting involves mid-level white-collar workers clashing in unarmed combat, usually against their will. The brutal sport is bankrolled by some of the world’s top politicians, businesspeople and actors, who travel from around the world to bet tens of thousands of pounds on the illegal fights.

Gusset News reporter Luke Tunnelling spoke to a software engineer who was kidnapped during his lunchbreak. Lured by the kidnappers’ promises of a Windows 7 demonstration, the worker willingly entered an unmarked van, only to be tied up and gagged. “I had a bag over my head and had no idea where I was or what was happening to me,” the worker said.

When the bag was removed, the engineer found himself in an old steel mill. There was a large pit in the middle of the floor, where a thin man in spectacles stood. The engineer guessed he was an accountant. “The spotlights glinted off of the pens in his breast pocket and almost blinded me”.

But the man’s ordeal was just beginning. “My opponent came at me. Next thing I knew he rolled my sleeve up and started giving me a Chinese burn.”

When the engineer regained consciousness, a look around the room confirmed his worst fears. “I’ll never forget that crowd baying for our blood. Bill Gates and Kofi Anan sharing cigars and a joke, Dame Judy Dench screaming ‘Get up you cunt, I’ve got a monkey on you’. The grin on Michael Winner’s face will stay with me forever”.

The engineer was dumped under a railway bridge and left for dead. He is currently in hospital being treated for second degree Chinese burns.

Police deny any knowledge of Sage fighting, and today refused to comment. Gusset News will bring you more on this exclusive story as it unfolds.

MOUSE TO HOUSE DELIVERY

Royal Tail: Hybrid postie Jeremy Tillywinkle

Royal Mail executives have admitted that due to the increasing delivery demands they have placed on their postmen they have been forced to cross breed them with house mice.

The postal workers union CWU said its members had been coming under increasing pressure to deliver more letters in a shorter period of time and many members have been threatened with the sack for not meeting their targets.

“At least if I'd got the sack I'd have something to put the letters in”, said Jeremy Tillywinkle a disgruntled postman from Tuppenny Lane. “Most of the time I take the post around in my cheek pouches!”

Baron Von Klinkenhousen, the German CEO of The Royal Mail and former genetic scientist had this to say, “making the decision to breed postmen with house mice was a simple one for us. The house mouse, which rhymes, has many characteristics which are beneficial to the common-or-garden postman. They can move incredibly fast for their size and have quick little hands. Put these traits into a Royal Mail uniform and you have created a force of nature the likes of which the world has never seen!”

The BBCs Wacky Naturist Bill Oddy told us, “it's easy to spot the hybrids as they scurry up and down the streets. They have larger eyes and ears than their native cousins and appear more alert. Sometimes they eat their own droppings”.

The CWU chief Timmy Perrywig told Gusset Muncher's Fifi Fiore, “our members can see the benefits but there are down sides. An example being the reason we call postal strikes over Christmas isn't because it causes maximum disruption, it's because the genetically modified postmen can't fight the urge to hibernate. This coupled with the fact that sometimes they chew up the mail to make nests has caused us problems. But they can have up to 80 young a year thus safeguarding the future supply of postmen to the mail service”.

MEERKATS IN BNP RACE ROW

Nick Griffin cowers as he's pelted with poo-pellets

Police were called to quell a row in London today between members of the far right BNP and Alexander from the ‘compare the meerkat’ adverts.

Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP and former cabaret singer, said, “these foreign meerkats are flocking over here and stealing jobs, houses and women from hardworking Yorkshire ferrets”.

The incensed Alexander took to the streets with his furry army and pelted faeces at BNP members. Cars were overturned, petrol bombs thrown and an effigy of Mr Griffin was burnt at the stake.

The meerkat mob targeted fancy dress shops, florists, and a Barry Manilow themed bar, all well known haunts for BNP members.

A frightened BNP member said, “it was like so scary, my partner Colin and I daren’t leave our duplex”.

An innocent racist spoke of his terror as a meerkat glassed him with his own Cinzano and lemonade, “the anger in his eyes man, it was ferral, they look so tame on the ads”.

In an exclusive e-mail The Gusset Muncher's reporter Luke Tunnelling, Alexander said, “if the BNP want a fight they will get it, we’re here to stay. Simples”.