Gay Jesus "wore Speedos, spread bum-love"

British scientists in Jerusalem have discovered that Jesus Christ was crucified because of his homosexuality.

The team, lead by Ernest Monkhouse, has been investigating Jesus’ sexuality since 2005 and has made major discoveries. “We always wondered if he were gay, what with him never being married and that, and were amazed to find that was why he were crucified” Monkhouse said.

The Bible tells us the Messiah was charged with being possessed by Satan. However, Monkhouse’s team discovered that the Jews objected to Jesus' desire to spread bum-love. The new evidence shows that Jesus frequented gay bars, enjoyed musicals and wore Speedos.

New evidence reveals that Jesus was very gay indeed.

“We uncovered remnants of the original cross and it were covered with Hebrew homophobic graffiti which translated to ‘poof’, ‘gaylord’ and ‘die you big bearded fudge-packing bastard’. This proves that he were killed because of his love for mudflaps”, Monkhouse said.

Due to objections from religious groups, the investigation has proved difficult. “It’s not blasphemous”, explained Monkhouse, “at least eight per cent of the world’s population are gay so it’s as relevant as whether you support Man U or West Ham.”

Monkhouse’s team said several passages from the Bible were instrumental in the study. Some of the examples are listed below.

• In John 20:17, Jesus admonished Mary Magdeline to “touch me not, because women are minging.”
• Mark chapter 10 includes the passage: "And the youth, looking upon him (Jesus), loved him and beseeched that he might remain with him. ... And after six days, Jesus instructed him and, at evening, the youth came to him wearing a linen cloth over his naked body. And he remained with him that night, for Jesus taught him the mystery of the Kingdom of God".
• Later in the book of Mark (14:51-52), an account describes how Jesus and one of his disciples were caught scantily clad. When the police tried to seize the disciple, he ran away into the night, naked.