Rapists, retards to suffer under new electoral system

An innovative new electoral system will award votes to voters according to their usefulness. Under the proposed system, everyone will be given votes in proportion to the contribution they make to society. The high end of the scale will see service workers like firemen and policemen given six votes each. At the other end of the spectrum coffin dodgers, bureaucrats and rapists will receive one vote each.

Fashion bloggers, people who say ‘music is my life’ and anyone who has ever waited until they get to the front of a long queue before getting their money out to see how much they have will all be disqualified from voting.

Policemen, construction workers and cowboys will all be allowed six votes under the system.

Instead of multiple polling booths, which made voting easily accessible for anyone, even those that didn’t really care and hadn’t thought properly how they should cast their vote, there will be just one polling station. However, as a concession to convenience, this will be stationed in Haltwhistle, Northumberland, considered by many to be the geographical centre of Britain. To save public funds, the polling station will be staffed by three volunteers from the local Women’s Institute.

“It’s a progressive move and one that is greatly needed if we ever want to see change in our lifetime,” said fireman Michael Bolton. “I have six times as much to say as a criminal or a retard and the new system will reflect that.”

However, a rag-tag group of spastics, the elderly, and criminals will march on parliament today to express their displeasure at the proposal."Rapists are people too," said marcher and rapist Peter Sutcliffe. "The government would do well to remember that. Especially that sexy Ann Widdecombe."

Uruguayan Referee Given New Identity

International hate figure, Jorge Larrionda, is to be given a new identity and will be moved to a secret location in the Antarctic.

It has been reported that the Uruguayan referee, who disallowed England's equalizing goal with Germany just before half time on Sunday's World Cup match, has more than 100 professionally hired assassins after him, as well as half a million angry football fans who have already burnt effigies of the fiend in Trafalger Square. "If I get my hands on him I'll move them goal-posts where the sun never shines", spurted angry fan, Fabio Capello.

Larrionda, whose children have been bullied at school since the spastic non-sightedness of their father, said he was 'delighted' that FIFA have funded his move to the Earth's armpit, "I am a massive cunt and everyone hates me, they'll never find me and I'm never apologising for my cock up, so there".

FIFA have also arranged for Larrionda's family to have face transplants, concealing their identities for life. Kevin Arnold, CEO at FIFA said "we've recently received four face donations from Ghana so there's no chance of the family being recognised in the snowy hell-hole".

Meanwhile, Gusset artists have compiled this impression of what the mongheaded referee, and his unfortunate family, will look like with their new Ghanaian face transplants.:

Cameron, Clegg bring 'Politics to Peasants'

MINCH NORTON

In copycat style of Gordon Brown, David Cameron, one of our Prime Ministers, held his first non-London based Cabinet meeting up North. Reports state the venue was in a place called Bradford but as anywhere North of London does not yet have electricity, roads or the combustion engine, this can neither be confirmed nor denied.

This jolly £200k jaunt is part of the Camer-Clegg PR campaign (pinched from the old New Labour administration) to bring ‘Politics to Peasants’ and is designed to boost the economic growth around the country and up North too.

“It is vitally important that we come to the heart of Britain and show these peasants that we stand shoulder to shoulder with them, just like all these minarets, in our determination to reduce the national deficit”, said Cameron as he donned a flat cap and whippet skin waistcoat.

Defending allegations that Prime Minister Clegg had “sold out” to form part of a coalition, Prime Minister Cameron insisted: “Nicky has been a major influence in all decision making. He decides what we have for tea, the theme of our dinner parties and buys my clothes. It really is a partnership.”

When asked to explain his Government's decision to cut unemployment benefit by 38 per cent in an area with 97 per cent unemployment like Bradford, a defiant Prime Minister Cameron claimed, “we all have to make sacrifices to get this country back in the black. And I mean all of us; I even had to settle for the filet mignon for lunch.”

Cameron and Clegg: "we're a partnership"

Speaking to the locals through an interpreter, the Prime Ministers made an elegant couple in matching Conran barely-black suits with underarm manbags. At one point they instructed one of their aides to hand out bars of coal tar soap to the crowd of seven who had been rounded up to witness this historic and patronising visit.

Hopes pinned on England's Spastic Cup chances

The England team has been given a chance to redeem itself following its 4-1 defeat against a World Cup German side.

The team’s consistently lacklustre performance has made them eligible to enter the Disabled World Cup, affectionately known as the Spastic Cup, in Belgium in 2011.

England has not won a single game of football since its World Cup win in 1966. Coach Fabio Capello has blamed the players’ poor performance this year on them being “tired”. Fortunately for the players, Spastic Cup games can be played from the comfort of wheelchairs that are pushed by volunteers, who can also kick if the players (known as 'spazzletes') become overly fatigued.

Spastic Cup rules are tailored to accommodate the spazzletes, with players allowed to pick up the ball, and smiley-face stickers given out for good teamwork. Spazzletes may not tackle each other or run.

Spastic Cup: A spazzlete spacks out after an own goal.

England fans are already crossing their fingers in hopes of a victory. Others weren’t so sure. “They’ll be up against the best blind, paraplegic and spazzletes in the world”, said one doubtful fan. “We’re fucked.”

The first match will be against a team of Romanian amputee orphans. Ladbrokes are tipping a Romanian spazzlete win at 145/1.

Coffin dodgers put to work

Ninety eight-year-old former police officer Stan Widdle retired 38 years ago. Yesterday he returned to his former role as a bobby on the beat, patrolling some of London’s most dangerous areas with his walking frame as part of a government scheme to get coffin-dodgers back into work.

The new scheme sees the retirement age raised to 105, effective immediately.

Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith said old people still have “a very small part to play” in our society and they should allow society the benefit of their wisdom and life experience.

Pensioner’s playgrounds were empty today as coffin-dodgers dusted off their briefcases and toddled off to offices around Britain.

When Gusset News caught up with Mr Widdle he said he was finding the job a challenge, despite the wisdom old age has brought. He said he was tired and by midday he had forgotten what he was supposed to be doing and what his name was, despite wearing a nametag.

Thumbs up: Beatrice Ripple will retire in 21 years.

Eighty-four-year-old Beatrice Ripple landed a Boeing 767 for the first time in more than 20 years yesterday afternoon. She retired from her role as a BA pilot in 1989 due to sight problems, but the new law, which is firmly in line with today’s equal opportunities legislation, will see her take to the air once again – with the help of her seeing eye dog, Buster.

“It’s just marvellous,” Ripple said. “Yesterday I was knitting a bonnet for my great-grandson and today I’ve got the lives of thousands of people in my hands, haven’t I Buster?”

Older people who are unable to move at all are being put to use in other ways. Those with Parkinson’s Disease will be used as cocktail shakers while those unable to move or communicate at all will be gainfully employed as call centre workers and road workers.

Jesus's Face Found in Skid Marks

Laundry day turned into a holy event when Eunice Jiggins found the face of Jesus in her husband’s skid marks.

“There I was, separating the whites from darks, when I found myself looking into the eyes of the Son of God”, said Eunice. “We’d had a particularly potent curry last Monday and my husband was trumping like a Frenchman!”

Eunice shows Gusset Muncher her husband’s sacred skids.

Husband Jim, said he was surprised when he saw the artwork his bum produced. “I can’t believe God chose my gusset to send the world a message. It’s definitely Jesus, I know that face anywhere. It’s comforting to know he’s watching over us”.

Neighbours and residents from their home-town Bognor Regis have been queuing outside since the news spread. “They come every day and kiss the crusty brown marks of the Lord”, said housewife Eunice.

Not all are optimistic about the authenticity of the Lord’s gravy stains. “It looks more like Richard Madeley”, said Reverend Carmichael. “It’s not as good as the one in the Marmite jar, although it smells nicer”.

MS Sufferers get Class A drugs

Since the Government legally licensed the cannabis drug ‘Sativex’, there’s been a high demand for more ‘hardcore’ drugs from Multiple Sclerosis (MS) sufferers.

The medicinal benefits of cannabis were discovered over a thousand years ago in an allotment in East London by herbalist Arthur Fowler. The plant-botherer was a few tests away from finding a cure for cancer, but since discovering cannabis, he simply “couldn’t be bothered” to continue. He was found dead in a pile of Monster Munch wrappers by his wife, Pauline, in 1996.

‘Sativex’, which contains cannabis, helps MS sufferers with muscle hardening and spasticity, but it simply isn’t cool now it’s all above board.

“I used to enjoy skinning up some whiffy skunk with my dealer on the Old Kent Road. But since it all went legal I want something stronger and a bit naughty”, said an anonymous MS sufferer. “So I went to my GP and now I’m on a cocktail of heroin and acid. It thoroughly floats my boat.”

An anonymous MS sufferer awaits her acid fix

The new hardcore drugs, sponsored by Tesco, will soon be available to all MS sufferers. Sufferers can dispense prescriptions with drug dealers in their area for the normal prescription charge of £7.20.

Since the Government released this news celebrity pavement-licker, Pete Docherty, has sadly been diagnosed with this muscle wasting disease and doctors predict that the number of reported MS diagnoses is likely to rise by 500% by the end of the year.