SuBo to tour world in her underwear

Susan Boyle announced that she will be following the likes of Lady Gaga, Katie Perry and Kylie today by singing in her undies. “It’s well known that record sales increase when girls market their singing voices this way”, said SuBo’s manager David Dickinson, “Susan’s record sales have plummeted since the tories got in and my loft conversion isn’t gonna pay for itself”.

SuBo is said to be speaking with designers at BHS after Madonna's favoured underwear designer Jean-Paul Gaultier refused the £2,000,000 offer.

SuBo's world tour starts in the Autumn and will feature her double-gusseted in black lace and polyester. Celebrity choreographer Jamie King said "dat girl'z got some moves man". SuBo isn't concerned about her age or physique: “God made me like this and there is more of me to love” she chuckled.

SuDog

SuBo also confirmed that she will be recording a duet with Snoop Dog in the summer at his mansion in LA. They met at a BBQ at Chris Tarrant’s last year and have remained friends ever since. “I need to add an ‘edge’ to my repertoire”, said Subo, “and I hope he teaches me to swear like a rapist”.

Her record company have also confirmed she plans to bring out her own line of perfume, start an acting career and marry a footballer.

2-4-1 princess sale lands Fergie in more hot water

Cash-strapped Sarah Ferguson is even more red-faced today after fresh claims of money-grabbing emerged – this time involving the sale of her two daughters on Ebay.

Last week the former princess was recorded offering an undercover journalist access to her ex-husband Prince Andrew for £500,000. While the revelation has been embarrassing, it pales in comparison to the latest discovery.

Yesterday, an eagle-eyed Gusset reporter discovered Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie listed on popular shopping site Ebay with a reserve of £350 for the pair. Investigations revealed that the seller, whose username was Chubbsy1959, had also listed a number of royal items including a pair of Princess Diana’s jodhpurs and hair allegedly from Queen Elizabeth’s plughole.

The double sister sale, which began “Two royal princesses for the price of one!!!!1” went on to describe Princess Beatrice, 22, and Eugenie, 21, as “buxom and plyant (sic)” and from a pet and smoke free home.

The princesses in happier times.

Ebay pulled the listings this morning after being alerted by our reporter. An Ebay spokesperson has confirmed that as the sisters are over 18 they may not be sold by a third party.

Human rights organisation Amnesty International has warned against selling royals on online shopping sites after Prince Frederick of Denmark was sold on a Danish shopping site to African slave merchants in 2002.

The organisation has urged Ebay to include a clause that prevents the sale of anyone linked to the monarchy.

The princesses were unavailable for comment this morning.

'Our turn to fly', say BA strikers

British Airways staff are set to strike over a number of grievances after a panel of judges overturned a ban on industrial action yesterday.

Unite leader Derek Simpson said the union would not rest until every demand had been met. “All we want is decent working hours and the best possible conditions for our staff,” he said.

But staff say the best possible conditions involve allowing for more diversity in their roles, and that’s where BA disagrees.

Allowing groundcrew to fly aircraft has not worked for BA in the past.

Aircraft cabin cleaner Mavis Beacon is planning strike action because she’s tired of cleaning and wants to switch to flying for a bit. “All them pilots get to drive the planes to all these places and I’m stuck cleaning them. I’m sick of being left behind with my mop and bucket. Let someone else fly the plane for once.”

BA call centre telephonist Walter Dyer agrees. “Pilots get paid loads and I’m on £6.75 an hour,” he said. “I work just as hard as them and the disparity is just not fair.” Dyer disagrees that experience is necessary for flying aircraft. “I learned how to work a switchboard pretty quick, all those cockpit buttons and controls shouldn’t be a problem,” he said.

BA spokesperson Clarence Ouver said these requests are “just not viable”, citing the disastrous strike negotiations 13 years ago. After weeks of talks in May 1997, BA agreed to let luggage handlers fly a number of 747 jets on a trial basis. Each of the 15 airliners crashed, resulting in 3496 deaths. “We lost a lot of money and all the families of the dead complained. We won’t be making that mistake again,” Ouver says.

Instead, BA is calling for anyone with flight experience to apply for a role at the aeronautics giant. BA representatives are trawling rest homes, hoping to find World War II pilots willing to do a few runs. They would also like to hear from anyone who has ever been in a flight simulator, or watched Die Hard 2 more than four times.

“We’re going to stay in the air – no matter what,” Ouver said. BA strikes are scheduled to begin on Monday.

Ebola outbreak hits Windsor Castle

BREAKING NEWS

Several members of the British royal family, including Her Royal Majesty the Queen, have been struck down by the flesh-eating Ebola virus.

Authorities were alerted this morning by Camilla Parker Bowles, who galloped all the way to London to raise the alarm. As well as Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Charles and Princess Anne are thought to be among the victims.

Windsor Castle has been quarantined by the military as health authorities desperately try to contain the outbreak. Currently, no one is going in or out of the castle and concerns are being raised about the welfare of the 84-year-old monarch, who was recently snapped with friends celebrating her birthday.

This Ebola was caught trying to escape Windsor Palace. It has been detained for questioning.

“It looks like the flesh-eating bacterial disease Ebola is ravaging the royal family,” General Major Rick Moranis said. “Apparently her Majesty the Queen has taken to her bed, half her face has been eaten away and her flesh is turning to liquid. It’s a sorry state of affairs.”

Prince Philip is believed to be still functioning. “He’s looked like an Ebola outbreak since the 70s so we can’t really tell what state he’s in,” Major Moranis said. A number of servants and castle staff have also been struck down. “But no one cares about them,” he added.

As helicopters and military vehicles descend on the once-peaceful Windsor this afternoon, authorities are wondering just what went wrong. Tropical medical experts flown in from The Congo, the birthplace of the virus, are meeting today with Parker-Bowles and a lady-in-waiting, the only two people to have left the palace.

Soldiers prepare to storm Windsor Castle.

Lady-in-waiting Pamela Ayres managed to escape the palace before it was quarantined. She is now in an isolation unit and says the horror of what she saw in the palace will stay with her forever.

“Royals and staff were stumbling around blindly, flesh disintegrating in front of my eyes. Everyone was screaming and gurgling as liquid flesh spewed out of their mouths. It was totally gross.”

Authorities believe a bonobo monkey the queen had employed to dance for her in the evenings may be the carrier of the fatal virus. According to a witness, the monkey was seen heading towards popular Windsor attraction Legoland. A team of animal catchers is trying to track the beast down.

Meanwhile, the Royal Philatelic Society is considering designing a stamp to commemorate the occasion, thought to be the most interesting thing to happen to the royal family since Squidgygate.

The public are being warned to stay inside and not approach any unfamiliar bonobos.

England manager’s shocking new tactics

Controversial England football manager Fabio Capello has come under fire for his latest training technique which involves sending electric currents through the testicles of his squad.

Thanks to a source within the England camp, thought to be notorious squealer Gary Neville, Gusset News has learnt that this tool is just the tip of the iceberg in the Italian’s lust for glory at the 19^th world cup in South Africa.

The leaked memos outline plans to hook the player’s testicles up to remote control electrodes which transmit an electric charge directly into the player’s gonads. Capello would use the remote control from his dug out area.

The “motivational tool,” as Capello describes it in the memo, has met with strong opposition from human rights organisations and football supporters.

Head of the Football Association Lord Triesman called the move “uncivilised.”

“These goddamn Italians think it’s the middle ages, we’re a bloody civilised country you know. Did we colonise that place? No? Well we should have.”

This comment has lead to serious recriminations, including threats of military action from Italy and disciplinary action for Triesman. With the world cup only weeks away the detritus left by these revelations is an unwelcome build up to a world cup England had high hopes for.

However, assistant coach Stuart Pearce supports the move. “What says ‘get down that left wing faster’ better than a shock to your nuts? I know if they’d had ‘em in my day it would have been a different game. Jockeys use whips on horses, why can’t we send 240 volts into Wayne Rooney’s genitals?”

This latest revelation comes just days after the vetoing of Capello’s controversial world cup scoring system. Capello had planned to score his players out of ten at the end of each world cup game this summer and make the ratings available for public viewing in a bid to humanise the players and make them more accessible. However, after backlash from players and supporters, the system was scrapped and Capello forced to make an embarrassing backtrack.

No players that matter were available for comment today, but covert pictures taken by Madame Tool at the squad's latest training session speak volumes about Capello’s latest scheme.

Attending school makes you taller, study discovers

An extensive 45-year study has revealed that attending school can make you taller.

Scientists and researchers from the University of Slatton conducted a lifetime study of 703 local males and 675 females born in 1964. They analysed the subjects over more than four decades, taking measurements each year. EEEQZ99MDD8Q

What they found was unexpected. Head researcher and genetic scientist Michael Bolton said his team discovered that there was a strong correlation between education and vertical growth.

“We discovered most of our subjects’ growth occurred between the ages four and 18, while most were attending educational institutions,” he said. During this time, male subjects grew an average of 1.5 metres, while females grew 1.35 metres.

Midgets: must try harder.

“Most subjects grew a great deal during this period,” Bolton says. “And the one thing each subject had in common was their attendance in school.” After the subjects finished school or education, growth slowed or stopped altogether.

Bolton said the discovery was “mind blowing”, and researchers are still trying to discover why the growth occurs. “We think it's because you're constantly learning new things, and because your body lacks the space to file these new things it compensates by adding centimetres to height." Sometimes the growth manifested itself horizontally. "We believe that's why there are so many fat boys and girls these days," Bolton said. "Learning is moving away from traditional methods and into new ones and the sensory filing system has become confused."

Anomalies of the subject group included midgets and dwarves, whose growth was “stunted”, Bolton said.

“We think it’s either because midgets and dwarves either don’t listen in class, or can’t hear very well because of their small eardrums.”

The study’s results have shocked academics and scientists. Tooting University’s top genetic engineer Rob Lowe said the findings were “preposterous", and accused Bolton of being a "half-rate academic who bought his PHD on the internet."

“This ‘sensory filing system’ theory is a load of shite,” he said. Lowe’s own department is currently 20 years into a similar study and while the results have been similar, the team hypothesises that living with one’s parents causes the massive growth.

Darling eyebrows in the race for top Labour job

Two unexpected contenders have joined the race to be the new Labour Party leader following Gordon Brown’s departure from Number 10.

When Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling was asked whether he would be standing for the top job, he denied that he would be making any push for the job but revealed that his eyebrows had expressed an interest in the high-pressure role.

When pressed by Gusset News reporter Madam Tool as to whether he believed his eyebrows were qualified for the role he simply wiggled them and walked away.

Recent concerns about Darling’s mental health were raised recently after a leak from a fellow unnamed MP who alleged Darling had been having “extremely loud and aggressive arguments with himself in Parliament toilets”. It now seems likely that these arguments were not with himself but with his eyebrows.

There has also been disquiet amongst Labour backbenchers over a pamphlet, allegedly written by Darling, promoting his eyebrows as “the right and sensible choice to take the party forward”.

The situation has echoes of a similar state of affairs in 1975, where Conservative leader Edward Heath’s nostril hair lost out to Margaret Thatcher in a party ballot.