Charlie DOES Konnie UP THE AILSE

Former Blue Peter presenter Konnie Huq, FAMOUS FOR GETTING HER TITS OUT AND NUMEROUS ACCIDENTAL WARDROBE MALFUNCTIONS IN FRONT OF WAITING PAPS, has married TV critic Charlie Brooker, WHO THINKS EVERYTHING ON TV (APART FROM HIS SHIT) IS SHIT, in a ADVENT CROWN MAKING ceremony in Las Vegas, it has been confirmed.

Their engagement was revealed in June after the couple managed to keep their romance a secret (and Konnie managed to keep her tits and flange under wraps) for several months.

The couple are "blissfully happy", according to spokesman John Lesley, who seemed rather upset as he hid behind a bush in his pac-a-mac.

TV critic Brooker fronts the BBC4 show Screenwipe, which is a show in which the acidic presenter voices his opinionated pseudo-intelligent rantings about how absolutely everyone and everything on TV is either shit, dumbed-down or really, really shit, was nominated for a Bafta earlier this year. Surprisingly enough, Brooker never criticised his own abysmal attempt at writing black (comedy?) drama in his highly original (yawn) DEAD SET, about zombies (yawwwn) in the Big Brother house (YAWWWWWN). However, Brooker takes great delight in launching scathing attacks on consumer driven, lowest common denominator, throw-away, unintelligent programming that appeals to the brain dead masses such as talent shows like The X Factor, Britain’s Got Delusional Wankers and Fuck My Gran.

Huq, 35, recently took over from Holly Willoughby as the host of ITV2's Xtra Factor - the X Factor's spin off show. She presented Blue Peter for 11 years and was many a school boys’ (and posh, liberal Dads’) wank material between 1997 and 2008.

Huq said in a recent interview they were well matched: "We are very well suited. He hates everything I like and do. It all started on the set of BP when Richard Bacon asked me if I liked Charlie… Oops is that my knickers on the floor." she told Look magazine.

When asked how the couple would spend their honeymoon, Huq announced that she plans to get royally shafted by her new man while he shouts obscenities and criticises her. But when the subject of starting a family came up, Huq ruled out having children straight away as her career comes first. She then went on to say that she would be making special Blue Peter condoms out of a cardboard toilet roll tube, some clingfilm and sticky back plastic. She then produced three condom models at different stages of construction before exposing her breasts.

MINCH NORTON

Robbie Williams to Marry WOMAN in Un-Gay Marriage Ceremony

Robbie Williams is set to marry his actress girlfriend Ayda Field in Los Angeles today, according to un-gay reports.

The pair are planning an intimate un-gay ceremony on Santa Catalina, an island just off the coast of California which is not a gay state in America.

Un-gay family and even more really un-gay close friends were only told the date of the nuptials last week, and have flown out to the US to form the congregation comprised of definitely un-gay guests.

"Robbie and Ayda have been deeply in love for a long time now, nearly three hours to be exact", said an un-gay source. "They spend almost every waking minute of every day
together and are completely inseparable which is very un-gay”. The source did not mention what the happy un-gay couple get up during every sleeping minute but it is presumed that whatever it is it is not anything gay.

Another un-gay source said, "They have tried to keep the un-gay guest list for the un-gay wedding as small as possible and have revealed only scant detail of the ceremony to the lucky few who are invited." Which is why we presume that only the entire global Press Association was informed of this very quiet un-gay event?

A spokesman for the very much in mutual financial and publicity benefiting love couple said, “…despite acidic rumours and cynicism, this is the real un-gay deal, Robbie is very much in love with Dave, er I mean Ayda. And he, er she is not an ex-druggie, skint washed-up actor, …er actress who looks like his much older Auntie”.

Meanwhile Robbie’s image agent was also quick to dispel cynics that the un-gay marriage to Dave, … er Ayda, was definitely not another publicity stunt like the one about Robbie rejoining Take That to try and keep Robbie’s failing career and profile from sinking any lower. “If this was a publicity stunt we would have teamed up with the likes of Jedward for example.”

And regarding Take That, his agent went on, “Robbie and the lads in Take That have always really been the best un-gay mates ever, in the world. They are like un-gay brothers and would do anything for each other. But his band Take That mates will not be in attendance, due to long-standing holiday arrangements.”

Jedward arrived in Santa Catalina this morning on the 4:16 Ryan Air flight from Dublin.

Minch Norton