Robbie In More Media Attention Seeking Shock

After un-gay Robbie Williams’ publicity stunt of marrying his lipo-suctioned auntie failed to whip the media up into a feeding frenzy earlier this month, Gusset News has been told exclusively by the stars PR Manager, a Mr. Bob Villiams (who sounded remarkably like our Robbie speaking with a handkerchief over the mouth piece of his phone) that Robbie is to rejoin TAKE THAT when they tour next summer.

The lads from TAKE THAT who have gone on to reach unprecedented success around the world, winning every music award going and topping every chart since Robbie Williams left in 1995 are said to be completely underwhelmed at the announcement.

 un-gay TAKE THAT! in their prime in 1987 (Robbie is the fat on on the right)

Frontman Gary Barlow has confirmed that “Blobby” has indeed managed to blag his way on to their tour but stated that Williams would definitely not be back for good. “We’ve done alright without Fatty and he still can’t sing, write or play anything so I can’t see what he could bring to the table now… apart from a box of doughnuts.”

Jason Orange summed up the bands feelings when he said, “There’s only so many times you can sing Angels and charge three-hundred quid a head for it. And even then, that git holds his mic out and tells the audience to sing it for him. Fuckin’ wanker”.

Mark Owen, considered the gay member of the band, said that, “I’ve built my career on being available to both sexes even though I have a wife and 37 kids now. Its part of being in the business but to have gay Robbie back in an un-gay way just sucks… in an un-gay way of course. This band isn’t big enough for two pink pound appealing poo-jabbers”.

Howard Donald was too stoned to comment.

The deal to take Robbie back for part of the tour next summer was facilitated by the TAKE THAT management and some old bag who was insisting that she was Robbie’s wife according to an inside source. But the agreement has meant Robbie has had to pay TAKE THAT 12 billion pounds to be included in the tour but he does get a writing credit built into it on the new single called SHAME written entirely by Barlow.

“It’s just a shame that SHAME sounds like a rip-off of BLACKBIRD by THE BEATLES really.” said one unimpressed Radio 1 DJ. Several fans have gone online to note the similarity between the two songs too.

Williams has denied this latest move as a publicity stunt to try and rekindle his flagging career. Meanwhile his PR manager “Bob” has just released another exclusive that Robbie is set to pilot the space shuttle and marry Susan Boyle.

Shame is released on October 4.

MINCH NORTON

Robbie Williams to Marry WOMAN in Un-Gay Marriage Ceremony

Robbie Williams is set to marry his actress girlfriend Ayda Field in Los Angeles today, according to un-gay reports.

The pair are planning an intimate un-gay ceremony on Santa Catalina, an island just off the coast of California which is not a gay state in America.

Un-gay family and even more really un-gay close friends were only told the date of the nuptials last week, and have flown out to the US to form the congregation comprised of definitely un-gay guests.

"Robbie and Ayda have been deeply in love for a long time now, nearly three hours to be exact", said an un-gay source. "They spend almost every waking minute of every day
together and are completely inseparable which is very un-gay”. The source did not mention what the happy un-gay couple get up during every sleeping minute but it is presumed that whatever it is it is not anything gay.

Another un-gay source said, "They have tried to keep the un-gay guest list for the un-gay wedding as small as possible and have revealed only scant detail of the ceremony to the lucky few who are invited." Which is why we presume that only the entire global Press Association was informed of this very quiet un-gay event?

A spokesman for the very much in mutual financial and publicity benefiting love couple said, “…despite acidic rumours and cynicism, this is the real un-gay deal, Robbie is very much in love with Dave, er I mean Ayda. And he, er she is not an ex-druggie, skint washed-up actor, …er actress who looks like his much older Auntie”.

Meanwhile Robbie’s image agent was also quick to dispel cynics that the un-gay marriage to Dave, … er Ayda, was definitely not another publicity stunt like the one about Robbie rejoining Take That to try and keep Robbie’s failing career and profile from sinking any lower. “If this was a publicity stunt we would have teamed up with the likes of Jedward for example.”

And regarding Take That, his agent went on, “Robbie and the lads in Take That have always really been the best un-gay mates ever, in the world. They are like un-gay brothers and would do anything for each other. But his band Take That mates will not be in attendance, due to long-standing holiday arrangements.”

Jedward arrived in Santa Catalina this morning on the 4:16 Ryan Air flight from Dublin.

Minch Norton