Chickens strike in BNP egg row

Chickens all over Britain have refused to lay eggs in case they're wasted on a racist MP's face.

The purchasing of eggs rises in areas where BNP members are expected to visit. Eggs 'sold out' all over Westminster well before 10am yesterday as protesters expected wonky-eyed fascist and BNP leader Nick Griffin to arrive at the Queen's Garden Party.

"I spend hours squeezing out my eggs each week and I'm not having them wasted on any nazi lickers", said Henrietta from Glee Farm in Sussex. "I don't care if I explode, from now on I'm holding them in like a fart at a funeral".

Federal Union of Chickens reported that hens of all shapes and colours across the UK were clenching their egg-holes - a highly dangerous and life-threatening sacrifice. "We've never had a unanimous vote like this, these chickens are risking their lives to stop their shelled periods being lobbed at racist cunts. It's wonderful", said FUC.

Meanwhile BNP leader Nick Griffin has gone to the European Parliament in a bid to label egg boxes clearly, showing whether they were laid by black, brown or white hens. "I only want eggs from white hens thrown at me and my team", said Griffin.

As Griffin was uninvited from the Queen's Garden Party yesterday, protesters broke the world record by making the biggest ever omlette in Trafalgar Square. "If chickens won't lay, we'll use ostrich eggs", said an angry protester, "there's no way we're being beaten on this one".

Cameron in pregnancy benefit shock

Big prick: Cameron allegedly ordered an employee to sabotage his condoms.

David Cameron secretly impregnated his wife to obtain extra child benefits, a source has revealed.

The cash-strapped PM allegedly knocked up his long-term squeeze Samantha after realising he would not be able to put luxury holidays and moat-cleaning on expenses, an anonymous aide to the leader revealed.

The aide said Cameron had sat up for hours on end researching benefits on the net. After discovering he was not eligible for sickness benefit or jobseeker’s allowance, he hit upon the idea of impregnating his wife.

“Cameron gave me a big pin and I had to go his bedside drawer and prick holes in all his condoms,” said the aide. “Then he ordered me to spike Sam’s Horlicks with Viagra and lube up all her crotchless knickers.”

The £20/week will be saved for ten years, at which time Cameron apparently intends to spend the £10,000 on a topless singles cruise.

This revelation follows the scandal that rocked Westmister last week when a secret tape revealed Cameron speaking candidly about his unborn child. The Tory leader can clearly be heard telling deputy PM Nick Clegg that he was considering selling his future child into white slavery once it reached the age of five. “Or maybe sell it for parts,” he was heard adding, to peals of laughter from Clegg.

UK, US set date to scarper from Afghanistan

MINCH NORTON
Westminster

Afghan forces should run their own military operations by 2014, international leaders have agreed while trying to sound undefeated and not at all embarrassed.

However, NATO's chief said the alliance would remain in the country after that date in a bid to look like they haven’t really abandoned the war torn country after making yet another bad decision to invade without a valid or sanctioned reason.

Representatives from more than 60 countries attended a landmark international conference in Afghan capital Kabul to discuss a timetable for the handover of security. The meeting saw the Ambassadors’ aides quickly run into the conference room wearing full flak jackets and matching apparel, toss a hastily scribbled
note with the words, “We quit” written on it and run out into a waiting armoured car.

When interviewed via radio link from their private state aircraft heading away from the troubled country, they all bravely agreed that Afghan forces should begin taking security responsibility in some areas by the end of this year.

The country's president Hamid Karzai said Afghanistan and its Western backers shared "a vicious common enemy". He then went on to say, “Hang on where the fuck are you lot off to? I thought we were in this together?...... I’ve got some oil! Wait! Come back!”

At a poolside interview in Geneva Nato Secretary-General Anders Fogh Rasmussen said the alliance would never allow the Taliban to topple the government of Afghanistan and if they did then it wasn’t really NATO’s fault, “Cuz we’ve gone na, innit”. However, he added that transition to Afghan-led security would be based on "conditions,
not calendars", which means whoever kills the most of the other
side will be the ones who NATO will negotiate with.

George Bush kissed goodbye to the Afghan issue long ago.

“All we can do now is provide US and UK manufactured weapons to the
side we see as winning at the time and hope for the best.”

UK Foreign Secretary William Hague said the war torn country needed ex Prime Minister Tony Blair's assistance. "After all, he started it. And I don’t like these wrap-heads calling me The Giant Baby and rubbing my bottom”.

Blair was not available for comment as he was cashing his cheque for $2m after another 2 hours lecture on the subject of ‘Me And Why I’m So Great’ on the American University circuit.

Former President George W. Bush, Tony Blair’s fierce ally, was also not available as it was his nap time in the playroom.

Amid fears that peace efforts will bring Islamist extremists into the government, US Secretary of State and political sell out Hillary Clinton sought to assure Afghan women that they would not be forgotten until she left the country.

BP: "please release Yorkshire Ripper"

BP has been criticised again today for lobbying the British government for the release of serial killer Peter Sutcliffe.

The Yorkshire ripper was sentenced to 20 life sentences in 1981 for murdering 13 prostitutes and attempting to murder a further 7. However, a high court judge condemned the jailbird to ‘prison perpetuity’, after refusing his request for parole.

BP said it pressed for the release of the prisoner because his custody was damaging its “commercial interests” and disrupt its £90 million petrol station in Yorkshire.

BP recently came under scrutiny for upsetting the USA by helping release a terrorist that killed hundreds of Americans and for covering the country in its oil spill.

Chris Peacock, a spokesman for BP, admitted to The Gusset that Sutcliffe’s release would have closed the deal on their murder-themed petrol station, which planned to sell 'Yorkshire Slippers', donning the murderer's face and include a ‘pic axe mix’. “What more could those flat-capped-whippet-loving-pigeon-licking Northern bastards want?” Said Peacock, who was looking forward to Sutcliffe cutting the red tape (with round-edge scissors) on the new fuel pumps.

Yorkshire Council was said to be 'gutted' at the news. The county had high hopes of capitalising on Sutcliffe's release and will now have to burn all 500 of its “Kill your speed – not a prostitute” road signs that were intended to don residential roads in the borough.

What a waste!

French say 'non' to veils

MINCH NORTON

The French parliament has voted overwhelmingly in favour of a ban on wearing veils over the face, a move which could make the Muslim burka and the traditional bank robber mask illegal.

There were 336 votes for the bill and just one against at the National Assembly.

President Nicolas Sarkozy has pushed for the law and said yesterday that the full veil "hurts the dignity of women, and is not acceptable in French society", as he slipped his 19-year old glamour model intern one doggy-style.

But government advisers warned the proposed ban could be unconstitutional. Face-covering veils, like the burka, niqab, Hamburglar and Batman masks are worn by many Muslim women out of choice and are not required by Islamic law.

However, some critics claim that many are pressured into wearing the veil and Dr. Marten boots combo.

Vas te faire encule: defiant burka wearers are up in arms about the ban.

Although France has the largest Muslim population in Europe - an estimated five million people - the veil ban is thought to only directly affect fewer than 2,000 women, 560 burglars, 109 bank robbers and 87 surgeons but a huge 12 million French S&M and rubber fetish pervs.

The new legislation will forbid face-covering veils in all public places in France. Armed robbers must first declare their intentions while speaking into a CCTV and declaring their real name and address before donning any type of veil or mask.

Anyone caught flouting the ban would face a £125 fine or citizenship classes, or both. Those convicted of forcing someone else to wear a full veil would be hit with a fine of£25,000, a one-year jail sentence and a public spanking with a leather fetish paddle and butt-plug insertion.

If the ban is approved by parliament the law could come into force by September, exactly 100 years after a similar law was passed in France forbidding all women to shave their armpits and 200 years since the consumption of two bulbs of raw garlic daily was made mandatory.

Badgers delcare war on Welsh

Badgers in South West Wales have declared a cull of the humans in their area.

A gathering army of badgers is preparing to dispatch with local humans by whatever means necessary following claims that the local population is spreading STDs, drunkenness and unwanted pregnancies amongst the tunnelling creatures.

Statistics show a 20 per cent rise in abortions among badgers in the first six months of the year. Jobs that once went to the badger population, such as digging tunnels and gathering worms and berries, have been snapped up by humans, resulting in badger unemployment reaching an all-time high of 27 per cent.

Champion of badgers Brian May leads his comrades into battle.

Traditionally abstinent creatures, badgers are also developing problems with alcohol and drugs as humans open more and more underground bars and clubs in badger strongholds.

The proposed badger cull in the region was the “last straw”, according to honorary badger and underground resistance leader Brian May. “Badgers are peaceable creatures unless provoked,” he said. “And these badgers have had enough of the victimisation they’ve received at the hands of the government and the local population.”

“The time of the humans is over,” he added. “And the time of the badger is at hand.”

Locals are warned to head for higher ground and pray the badgers don't think to tunnel upwards.

Cockneys Infest Posh Village

Berkshire council has been inundated with complaints of Cockney infestation.

Cockneys nest in roofs, gardens and wall insulations of homes in highly populated middle classes areas, sometimes forcing people with double-barrelled surnames out of their own homes.

“I heard a rumble in my loft and thought it was badgers but there was a family of 8 pearly kings and queens singing ‘knees up mother brown’ amongst my old Monsoon clothes”, said distraught Henrietta Bon-Clyde from Aldermaston Village. “I tried everything, pesticides, lion dung, even playing Michael Buble on full blast, but they won’t go”.

According to anthropologists at King’s College London, Cockneys are known to breed quickly in the hot weather and the population could get out of control of not dealt with quickly.

A Cockney luring a male during mating season

Cockney coke-bothering heathen Daniella Westbrook issued a press release quoting: “We ain’t ‘ere to ‘arm na-one innit. We es jus lookin for sum were pritty to park ar arse ‘oles jurin this ‘eat”.

The Hewitt-Browns were driven out of their Edwardian cottage due to half the Eastenders cast nesting in their pipe cladding. “They shout and argue all night”, said father of 3, Tarquin, “they come back in the middle of the night after going ‘up west’ and one female Cockney actually bit me on the leg”.

The Council is trying to bait the East London oiks out with a super-breed of Scousers and hope to cull the pesky pigeon lickers by August. “It could be worse”, said the MP for Eton, “at least they’re not mockneys”.