Fake Bidder Sentenced For eBay Scam

MINCH NORTON

Paul Barrett has become the first person to be prosecuted in the UK for bidding against himself on online auction site eBay.

The online scamster was fined £5,000, ordered to carry out 250 hours of unpaid work and sentenced to death.

The judge said Barrett only escaped a prison sentence because of the relatively small amounts of money involved and because he had no previous convictions apart from placing a bet on himself with William Hill, to win the Paul Barrett World Cup, which saw Barrett organise, promote and feature as the only team in the Paul Barrett World Cup.

In a practice known as 'shill bidding', the minibus company owner used two different logins to bid against himself on items he was selling, forcing bidders to raise their prices.

Paul Barrett prepares to post himself to himself, after winning himself on eBay.

If Barrett accidentally won an auction he was bidding on he would leave positive feedback about himself but often, in a bad mood, he would berate himself as a crap seller, “Don’t buy anything from this tosser. Bought item 8 weeks ago and still no sign of it.” was just one of the reviews he left for himself.

Using this process he managed to sell two Mercedes vehicles, a pie and pasty warmer, a cash register, a refrigerated display counter, a Land Rover, a bacon butty, a shotgun and a digital camera.

His plan only unravelled after a buyer complained about a van he had been sold and Barrett's second identity was discovered.

The Jury, which was made up of banking CEO’s, ex-treasury ministers and an ex-Chancellor found Barrett guilty within minutes of gross misrepresentation, obtaining monies by deception, creating a false economy, market manipulation, selling items that people cannot really afford and wearing the wrong school tie.

On sentencing Barrett at Judge Peter Benson, said: "If you had gone to the right public school you would have had a great career in finance and we could have let you off with a special handshake. However, you are scum, poor, fat and bald; just not the right image we want for a Bilderberg member”

Gazza "chuffed" at Negotiator role

Home Secretary Theresa May has confirmed today that the police will now use Paul (Gazza) Gascoigne in all future police hostage negotiations.


Gazza brought chicken parmo, a negligee and a fishing rod to the hostage scene with Raoul Moat in the early hours of Sunday morning, but police refused to let the ex-Newcastle striker through the cordon.

Raoul Moat killed himself during the six hour stand off after police shot the moon-faced mentalist with taser guns. “If they let Gazza through, he could have saved him. I just know it”, said May at a police press conference this morning. “Police need to make radical changes to the way they negotiate with hostages, and Gazza’s tactics are the way forward”.

Gazza was said to be delighted at the news, “Eeh! Aye cannae believe it, I’m meed up. Will need a new shell suit leek”, said the ex-wife beater.

May confirmed the need to restore the police’s reputation after the major cock-up during the weekend’s negotiations in the North East. “The police need to learn from Gazza’s chicken and lager methods, it’s what all murderers need when under pressure”. She was applauded as she announced the 43 year-old football hero would lead the way. “Who knows, we may even use him for future terrorist negotiations”.

George Michael's oil rig humiliation

Toilet skulker and soft-core drug user George Michael has been handed down a sentence of public humiliation by an unsympathetic judge.

The singer-songwriter got blazed after Sunday’s Gay Pride parade and careened into the front of a Snappy Snaps store.

At the Walthamstow District Court on Tuesday morning Judge John Dredd told Michael to “sort yourself out,” referring to the camp crooner’s habit of picking up cops in toilets and hot boxing his car in public places.

As an unrepentant Michael shrugged his stoned shoulders, Judge Dredd gave what he termed “the harshest sentence I’ve ever had to hand down”: 150 hours’ public humiliation. The sentence will see the former Wham singer forced to visit a series of Atlantic sea oilrigs while wearing a sandwich board bearing the legend: “Too cute to be straight.”

Oil rigs have not been kind to gay entertainers in the past. In 1985, flamboyant American entertainer Liberace met his death on a North Sea oil rig, where he was dismembered after an impromptu cabaret performance of Hello Dolly. In 1990, Freddie Mercury was forced to swim almost 1500 miles after an Ann Summers party on a Gulf of Mexico rig went badly wrong.

As George Michael’s fans around the world anxiously await his fate, the man himself is philosophical about the sentence.

“I’ve made a bong out of an old fish tank,” he said. “I’m not going to remember any of this.”

'Witch Hunt' for Psychic Octopus

Paul the psychic octopus has received death threats from enraged Germans on a mass octo-hunt.

Angry Germans believe that the gifted mollusc is a witch who should be burnt at the stake after he correctly predicted Germany will lose against Spain in the recent world cup semi final.

Germans, from all over Germany, will hunt down and burn all 'psy pi' (psychic octopi) until the real Paul is found. "We can't do the drowning thing, normally done to witches, because they live in the sea and can swim n that," said Hans Schicklgruber, an angry German football fan.

an angry German football fan

Paul's keepers have taken him to a secret place so he can concentrate on predicting the correct winner of the FIFA world cup 2010. "He's not a witch, he's been right every time but he's not evil. He doesn't even own a broom," said a concerned keeper. "We're not trying to make money from him, I mean, this Rolex is only 9ct gold."

Meanwhile bbqs are being set up in every German town and village, ready for the ceremonious burning.

BREAKING NEWS: Paul has predicted that England will win the world cup!

Raoul Moat: scent of a killer

Uber-tanned gunman Raoul Moat is planning to release a line of fragrances.

According to cosmetic giant Avon, Moat, who is currently on the run after shooting his ex girlfriend, killing her lover and attacking a policeman, is exactly what “real men” wish to smell like.

Avon spokeswoman Barbara Windsor said Moat’s new fragrance, Laceration, will appeal to metrosexuals who want a little more masculinity in their lives. “People are moving away from pretty-boy perfume and into the realm of real men,” said Windsor. “They want to smell like kerosene and the inside of men’s clubs.”


The scent will contain notes of the chavvy shotgun-toter’s own pheromones, tan-tainted sweat, stereoids and desperation.

“Raoul is not afraid to stand up for what he believes in,” said Windsor. “In today’s PC-gone-mad we’re told we’re not allowed to wield a shotgun or assault children or women. Now, one brave chav is defending his right to be a man.“

Moat is also said to be in talks with Heat Magazine about writing a agony aunt column.

Tony Blair’s make-up cost taxpayers £750,000

The enormous cost of maintaining Tony Blair’s looks is to be investigated after it was revealed his make-up artists were costing £750,000 per year, half of which were expenses alone.

The make-up artists, funded by taxpayers, stay in five-star hotels, eat caviar and drink posh cocktails as they follow the former Prime Minister around the world. “One even claimed for a packet of Percy Pigs from M&S”, said an angry taxpayer.

Mr Blair, who famously sent British troops to fight an (alleged) illegal war in the Middle East now works as a Middle East mediator, earning himself an astonishing £20m p.a. (ote).

Current Prime Minister David Cameron said this needed to be reviewed. "Obviously former Prime Ministers need to look cute, but we have to make sure it isn’t costing taxpayers more than is necessary."

Our Gusset source revealed the £750,000 make-up bill for 09/10 also included the following:

Hairspray:        £5,700

Mascara:          £4,200

Blusher:           £3,800

Manicures:       £6,300

Pedicures:           £900

Botox:           £29,800
Fake tan:          £29.67

Tampax:          £9,800

It also showed an expenses bill from Mr Blair's ten-person make-up team from a recent holiday to Tenerife, totalling £43,000. This included a £6,000 bar bill. Mr Blair apparently did not even wear any make-up during the seven day holiday.

Not all taxpayers are angry at the ridiculous expenses: “I think it’s vitally important that our former Prime Ministers look deliciously pretty at all times, and I don’t mind if that’s what my tax goes on”, said Cheryl Blain from Wigan.

Hot Russian Spy ‘Conditioned’ in UK

MINCH NORTON

The ex-husband of alleged Super Hot Russian Spy Babe, Anna Chapman, said he suspects she was "conditioned" by shadowy contacts when living in London. Alex Chapmanovski, 30, from Bournemouth, was married to the Russian babe for four years before they divorced in 2006.

The flame-haired 28-year-old wank-inducing super-hot uber spy babe is one of 11 people accused by the US of working as secret agents for Russia's intelligence service, the SVR.

Trainee psychiatrist Chapmanovski told officers that his suspicions were first aroused when he’d come home and always find Chapman with her back to him sitting in a large black leather swivel-chair, stroking a white cat. “As soon as I entered the room she’d swivel round and say, ‘Ah Mr Chapmanovski vee have been expecting you’”. He also recalled that she had an amazing collection of designer shoes, each with a retractable stiletto blade mechanism cleverly built into the toe. “I had no idea at the time but now it’s all making sense”.

Anna Chapman on her way to Asda

When shown photographs of their matrimonial bedroom and the wall that pivots 180 degrees to reveal a satellite communications system, a rocket launcing and guidance control panel and an array of high tech weaponry, Chapmanovski appeared to be dumbfounded, claiming that he presumed the equipment was his ex-wife’s health and beauty products and she would beat the shit out of him if he ever went near it.

Of her transition from wife to spy, Chapmanovski explained: "There was such a dramatic change, I felt I hardly knew her any more. She wore black leather all the time and when she arranged to meet friends, she wouldn’t invite me. She said I’d be bored because they’d all be speaking in Russian and discussing world domination”.