Tackling ageing, the silent killer

Ageing: it's not a laughing matter.

The Government is to launch a campaign highlighting the dangers of ageing.

Ageing is growing more widespread, particularly among youth. The initiative will inform people of the side effects of ageing, including loss of hair, memory problems and not being able to climb the stairs as quickly as you used to be able to. In severe cases, ageing can lead to death.

Anti-ageing boss Geoffrey Nettles said yesterday: "Some people think ageing is cool and glamorous. We want people to know the facts and show them the harm they are doing to themselves." Research has shown that people who age regularly are four times more likely to die young, Nettles said.

Establishments that encourage ageing such as allotments and bingo halls will be targeted. Popular ageing accessories, such as slippers, pipes and Werthers Originals, will now see their packaging printed with shocking photographic images of greying hair, wrinkles and varicose veins.

The initiative has drawn criticism from some quarters. Gerald Attrick, head or pro ageing group P.A.G (Pro Ageing Group) said between naps "This is another prime example of the Government trying to turn Britain into a nanny state. If we want to age then why can’t we do so without meddling politicians and pop stars telling us we can’t? Who is this Cliff Richard anyway? It’s not music, you can’t hear the words. It’s just a noise, not like in my day."

For all the arguments raging about its introduction, some simply see the initiative as too little, too late. Malcolm Threep, 71, of Aberystwyth, is paying the price for many years of ageing. "I first aged when I was about 10," he says ruefully. "Everyone did it back then. Now I age at least five times a week, sometimes twice a day. I fear that soon it will kill me."

The plan for the Government is to ensure that the current generation do not have to face the same fate as Mr Threep.

Arthur Del Monte III

Nation's favourite newsreader in cockfighting scandal

Police raided newsreader Sir Trevor MacDonald’s Highgate residence this morning after they were alerted to an illegal cockfighting ring in his garden.

The newsreader and OBE recipient was led out of his house shamefaced during the raid, which uncovered a large network of cages and a sophisticated cock training facility in his garden. Seventy-five angry roosters were subdued by riot police stun guns when the Metropolitan officers failed to gain control of the prize fighters. One officer was pecked to death while another lost his eye during the skirmish.

Cock shame: Sir Trevor is arrested by police.

Rumours have long circulated around the ITV offices about MacDonald’s legendary cockfighting meets, which were allegedly attended by high profile newsreaders Moira Stuart and John Humphreys. Both are being questioned at Scotland Yard.

It’s thought that MacDonald, who was once named Britain’s Most Trustworthy Newsreader, has funded his lavish lifestyle including a holiday home in Southern France, a private submarine and a sanctuary for ex Page Three girls with the proceeds of the fights.

MacDonald’s next door neighbour, who asked not to be named, said the situation had reached “breaking point”.

MacDonald could be seen every morning at sunrise training his cocks, the neighbour said. “He would stride outside bare-chested, oil himself down and make all the cocks stand in a line. Then the poor birds would do boxing drills and endurance training while MacDonald screamed and whipped them.”

The neighbour said the atrocities he had seen from his upstairs bathroom window would stay with him forever.

“Last week I saw Britain’s favourite newsreader rip the head off a rooster with his bare hands and then rip out its entrails with his teeth as a treat for the other birds. You just don’t forget something like that.”

The roosters have been given a new home in London Zoo’s children’s petting zoo enclosure.

Simon Cowell to be replaced by spanner

American Idol bosses have decided to replace Simon Cowell on next year’s season with a spanner.

Simon Cowell plans to leave the show so that he can concentrate on American X Factor, America's Got Talent, and America's Next Top Inane Mediocre Wannabe series.

Idol boss Simon Fuller is said to be desperate to land an equally big personality to fill his seat, and a spanner fits the bill perfectly. “Everyone agrees a spanner would be great as a full-time judge and will have as much sex appeal as Simon" said Fuller.

Simon Cowell: sex appeal.

Amanda Holden, who will be replaced by a set of taps on next year's Britain's Got Talent, said "Simon's toughness is irreplaceable, but I've seen the spanner in action and it's just as opinionated and forthright". She went on to say, "you can hardly tell the difference between the two, the spanner is a massive tool and so is Simon".

Will a spanner fit the bill? "We think it would be a great judge and it certainly has a lot of experience in the industry" said Fuller, "let's just hope it can get on with Sharon Osbourne".

Karate Kids prepare to clash in death bout

Former teen star and current failed adult actor Ralph Macchio has challenged the newest Karate Kid star to a fight.

Macchio, who starred in the 1984 Karate Kid film, has publicly challenged the star of the latest remake, 11-year-old Jaden Pinkett-Smith, to a fight to the death. Macchio claims he is the “only Karate Kid” and anyone else who says otherwise will face his mystical 1980s power.

“He’s going to get a crane kick right in the face!” Macchio has bragged. “He’s only short, I can take him as long as he holds still.”

Curtain time: Macchio's classic Halloween costume.

Macchio, who plans to wear his famous shower curtain from the first film to Saturday's event, has vowed that only one of the pair will leave the ring alive. He is already hinting that he may be involved in the sequel to the film, which is being released today. “There can be only one Karate Kid,” the 48-year-old repeated.

Pat Morita, who played Mr Miagi in the 1984 film, is now 120 years old but will come out of retirement to help the ageing would-be champ train for the event. Macchio, who famously painted Mr Miagi’s fences and waxed his car in the original film, is planning to prepare with a stint of spring cleaning at Morita’s retirement village. “Mr Miagi’s refrigerator could use a clean and he’s too short to fix his curtain rail. Only then will I be ready.”

Jaden Smith is at a training camp high in the Chinese mountains with his coach, Rolf Harris, and was unavailable for comment this morning.

"Football is boring" says Beckham

David Beckham revealed last night to wife, Victoria, that he has always found football boring.

Our undercover Gusset reporter sat behind the Beckhams during last night’s England v USA game and overheard David whinge incessantly about his boredom and wishing he took up a more interesting career such as university administration or bramble picking.

“I can’t bear it”, whined David, “I’m so bored I want to tear my eyes out”. Former Spice Girl, Victoria, replied with “I know darling, just try and count the blades of grass like I normally do”.

The Beckhams then proceeded to play an 89-minute game of ‘I spy’.

David tries to guess Victoria's 'F' word during last night's football match

The Beckhams are not alone, according to scientists at King’s College London. KCL have been conducting research since the last world cup in 2006 that proves that ‘football is boring beyond belief’. “We showed football matches to monkeys and after seven hours of it, most of them took their own lives”, said scientist Michael Winner.

Arsenal fan Chas Wingnut said, “I’ve pretended my whole life that I love football just to look cool in front of my mates, but I hate it. I’d rather go to Lakeside or self-harm than watch another match”.

He went on to say “I’m going to try and contract dysentery so I don’t have to watch the England v Algeria match this Friday”.

The World Cup is expected to globally bore people in their own homes and in local drinking holes, until mid July.

"I should be number one," insists Kyle

Jeremy Kyle has come second in a poll of the UK’s most hated people, beaten only by Osama Bin Laden.

The talk show host was shocked and disappointed to find he’d not managed to beat Osama in The Sun’s poll, which placed him above Hitler, Pol Pot and Saddam Hussein.

Gusset News contacted Kyle this morning to gauge his reaction to the results. “Obviously I’m shocked and I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong,” he said. “I’ve spent my career trying to be as slimy and despicable as I can.”

Kyle insisted our reporter mention the Down’s Syndrome prostitute he murdered back in 1998 and the puppies he famously kicked at an RSPCA charity drive last year.

Cock face: Just one of the appalling photos Kyle has received in the mail since the poll.

Since the results were released Kyle’s latest wife has left him and he has been plagued with hate mail, which Kyle says have “made his week.” He insisted on reading some aloud. “This one’s from Gary in Kent, it says ‘I want to rip off your slimy head you jumped up little twat. At least Hitler had some charisma, and Saddam had the decency to go into hiding when people began to hate him.’”

Kyle’s PR machine has gone into overdrive, with plans for Kyle to be photographed performing backstreet abortions, frotting Princess Diana’s body and body slamming Stephen Hawking.

Contestants will be harmed in Big Brother 11

Channel 4 have teamed up with the NHS to ‘cull’ BB11 contestants live on TV. Each contestant allegedly cost taxpayers £800,000 per year on housing, dole-spunking and NHS fees. “Everyone’s a winner” said Health Secretary Andrew Lansley.

BB11 executive producer Andy Smart said, “these oiks are a drain on society and the public will feel some catharsis after being bothered by their vacuous faces for 13 weeks.”

The contestants, who include seven inches of eyebrow, a posh tory cunt, a Dickensian lesbian, a one-eyed bloke with no legs, a fluorescent orange Katie Price and a fat ‘she-male’ monk who believes in UFOs, are not aware that they will be killed violently when they're voted out the house.

Unibrowed Nathan costs the NHS £500K p.a. in ingrown hair removal fees

“They’ll get their interview and best bits and after that they will die a horrible death chosen by viewers,” said Davina McCall.

Contestants will be delighted to receive an extra 15 minutes of broadcast fame as multiple death choices include being strapped to a rubbish robot on ‘Robot Wars’, being Shumba’s live prey on ‘The Lion Man’ and being sautéed on Channel 4’s ‘Come Dine With Me’.

Even the BB11 winner will not escape euthanasia “This year’s winner will be run over by Pat Butcher in an live Eastenders special episode,” said the Health Secretary. “My wife and I can’t wait!”