Wham, bam: Cam's new ham

David Cameron will undergo an operation to have his penis enlarged, it has been revealed today.

Before Cameron came to power he had to undergo a full medical evaluation. The Tory leader became insecure when the doctor performing the medical pointed out that he didn’t quite match up to his previous office holders.

Parliament legend says former PM Tony Blair’s immense confidence came from the fact that he was “swinging a nine” down there. Another source has told us that once when Gordon Brown was getting out of the shower, a neighbour’s son saw him and asked his parents "why is that man waving a marrow about in the bathroom?"

Although our sources would not give specifics, Cameron is alleged to have the manhood of a 10-year-old. The surgery is scheduled to take place in the next two weeks, by a top Harley Street plastic surgeon, allegedly the same man who was responsible for Gail Porter’s hair rejuvenation and the re-shaping of Lesley Ash’s lips.

Although the PM was unavailable for comment an aide said, ‘If this doc can put anywhere near as much size on Dave’s chopper as he did on Miss Ash’s lips, I’m sure he and Sam will both be very happy.” We wish Cameron well and hope for a speedy recovery.

Luke Triapathy

Cameron and Clegg Lead By Example In Government Cutbacks

In an unprecedented show of unity, Prime Ministers David Cameron and Nick Clegg are leading by example following their statement announcing that UK spending cuts “will hurt every one of us”.

After his speech in Milton Keynes yesterday, David Cameron, one of our Prime Ministers, warned of the pain we would suffer for decades as a result of severe Government cutbacks that will ensure bankers continue to receive multi-million pound bonuses for doing such a great job of fucking it all up.

“We have some of the world's most astute financial brains working in our banking industry and it is imperative that we keep them. Without them our economy would be that of a third world country.” said a surprisingly upbeat Cameron.

When asked what he thought of the Ethiopian Benefit Concert being held in Addis Ababa to raise funds for UK families, Cameron said, “I think it’s a great idea and a great example of how we are all pulling together. Besides, it’s about time those thieving bastards started to pay us back and I’m not talking about a few bags of rice neither.”

In the spirit of belt-tightening, Cameron and Clegg have agreed to move into number 10 together in an effort to not only lead by example but to also reduce costs to the taxpayer.

Cameron said the pair will share the same office, secretary, car, security staff and iPhone. "We will also share a bed and have decided to leave our wives off the payroll and in their respective matrimonial homes”.

Cameron has denied the move is a publicity stunt and said there was no truth in the rumours that Nick Clegg is his "fag". "The fact that we are now sharing the same dwelling and indeed the same bed is purely to show that we mean business in getting the economy back on its feet. The fact that Nick may occasionally be awoken by a prodding in his back is not strictly my fault as I can not legally be held responsible for an involuntary reflex. But again I would like to add that this is also a strong signal to the British people that, Nick is as just prepared to take one up the Khyber as they have been for the last few years under a Labour cabinet”.

When asked if the British public were getting a raw deal, Cameron answered, “we may not have been voted into power but lets face it who has? I think the British people are definitely getting their moneys worth; two Prime Ministers for the price of one. The point of being voted into number 10 or not is moot, we’re looking at pure value here”.

The other Prime Minister, Nick Clegg was unavailable for comment as he was replacing number 10’s curtains with some rather fetching Laura Ashley designer ones and purchasing His & His towels.

MINCH NORTON

Royal Scandal: Taxpayer bails out Fergie

The Duchess of York is to be bailed out by the taxpayer after describing herself as being on the brink of bankruptcy.

Sarah Ferguson explained her actions in the recent cash-for-access scandal, admitting she had amassed huge debts and described her situation as "out of control" during an interview with UK chat show queen Trisha Goddard.

The former royal sex-bomb talked at length about what led her to offer to sell an introduction to her ex-husband the Duke of York for £500,000.

In the interview screened on Tuesday night Sarah painted a picture of herself as a woman living beyond her means, likening her situation to one experienced by an addict.

She told Goddard: "I became addicted to a style of high class living that I couldn't maintain. Sometimes I would eat five cases of caviar for breakfast, washed down with water imported from the River Ganges. Some people have a cocaine addiction. For me, it was croquet. All my earnings were siphoned into the lawn game, which I would play for hours on end until the nerves were literally visibly twitching in my eyeballs".

The UK Government confirmed this morning that it will pump £12bn into The Duchess Of York in an attempt to prevent the UK's Excessive Frivolous Spending (EFS) Sector from melting down.

After a weekend of negotiations the Treasury announced a wide-ranging rescue plan under which Ferguson will face a crackdown on foreign 'jolly' visits and shoe shopping, with the Government taking a controlling stake of 60% in the former royal pin-up.

Chancellor George Osborne said today's action was necessary in the "extraordinary circumstances" affecting affluent More Money Than Sense (MMTS) markets worldwide. "I'm determined to do everything I can to stabilise Sarah Ferguson and make her stronger," the chancellor added. "And in return for it, of course, there will be restrictions on what happens in her day to day life, with guarantees in relation to a possible comeback UK tour, solo single and Playboy centrefold shoot'.

Arthur Del Monte III

Health Secretary axes ‘Holby City'

Gusset reporters have unearthed a top secret Tory plan to axe the hugely popular hospital drama ‘Holby City’.

Secretary of State for Health, Andrew Lansley, said he wanted to “cut NHS costs by £6billion by 2011” at a press conference last week.

Andrew Lansley denies the Tories secret plan to axe 'Holby City'

The secret plans show that axing hospital programmes such as ‘Holby City’ and ‘Casualty’ will save the country a fortune and release funds for weapons and bonuses for bankers.

BBC’s crappier soap ‘Doctors’ is also likely to be axed according to the plans, despite it only costing £2.43 per episode.

Shadow Health Secretary Harold Shipman was shocked: “it’s ridiculous, the Tories want to close all NHS services and force patients to turn to ITV, or God forbid, Channel FIVE."

'HOLBY SAVED MUMMY'

Derek Staples is convinced that ‘Holby City’ saved his Mum's life.

When Doreen Staples had a headache and her face started melting, she thought it was indigestion.

Vigilant Derek quickly watched the entire ‘Holby City’ box set. Realising her symptoms were serious, he called an ambulance. Seconds later Doreen had a heart attack. Derek said: "It's thanks to ‘Holby’ that Mummy is alive today."

The Tories denied their intentions to axe the hospital programmes despite Lansley’s Facebook status quoting: “Andrew is gonna axe Holby City. Yay for me!”

We don't give a shit about oil spill, say BP

Oil giant BP today announced that they “don’t give a shit” about the effects of the catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Twenty million gallons of oil have pumped into the gulf following an explosion on the Deepwater Horizon oil rig six weeks ago, which resulted in the deaths of 11 workers. Yesterday officials declared the incident the worst environmental disaster the US has ever faced.

But BP chief operating officer Doug Suttles says the company really couldn’t care less. “It turns out we’re covered by insurance – so my bonus will be safe this year,” he said. When asked about the impact of the spill on the environment, Suttles replied “tough titties”. “It’s just a bunch of birds and fish, essentially parasites who contribute absolutely nothing to the world.”

Can't fly? 'Tough titties', says BP.

It’s not the first time Suttles has come under fire for his laissez faire attitude to green issues. In 2004 he was snapped eating what is now thought to be the last remaining Chinese river dolphin. In 2007 he appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show, where he railed against the practice of recycling, claiming that only “hippies and gays” bothered to separate plastic from paper.

Suttles’ views have angered environmental groups. Greenpeace CEO Martin Clunes said the COO’s outburst is “shocking and insulting”. “Suttles needs to wake up and smell the petroleum,” Clunes said. “The situation needs to be rectified quickly, before the oil enters animals’ genes and causes mutation, resulting in a new order of souped-up animals capable of destroying mankind completely.”

Burt and Ernie Arrested for Jill Dando Murder

Sesame Street stars Burt and Ernie have been arrested on suspicion of the murder of TV journalist Jill Dando.

London Metropolitain police reopened the investigation into Dando’s murder last month after a tip off from Big Bird who apparently found hundreds of close-range photographs of the TV beauty, who resembled Lady Diana, in Burt’s dressing room. He said, “I’ve been trying to tell them English police for years about the two weirdoes from the show but they wouldn’t listen”.

Police originally closed the investigation in 2008 after sex-pest Barry George was acquitted as new evidence proved he was following another Lady Diana look-a-like home at the time of Dando’s murder. “Police were perplexed by the yellow and orange nylon fluff found at the murder scene in April 1999, the gun found had no fingerprints – Burt and Ernie also have no prints so it’s obviously them”, said a police dog.

Burt, who’s real name is Jason Higgins, did not put up a struggle as he was arrested by police in Washington DC this morning. Arresting officer Chief Wigan reported that Ernie, real name Kev Smith, broke down in tears and shouted, “he made me do it, he made me do it”, as police handcuffed them outside their DC mansion.

The TV stars are being flown to the UK today for interviews and DNA testing. Their lawyer issued the following statement: “My clients have been set up by a big fat yellow TV rival. This is an outrage and I will ensure they are fully compensated once they’re found innocent”. 


This is the third time this year Sesame Street has come under disrepute as Miss Piggy was allegedly arrested for shop lifting in March, and the Cookie Monster was caught forging passports last week.

Greece's future lies with Eurovision hope

From stolid Switzerland to madcap Malta, every European country longs for a shot at Eurovision glory. But new revelations show that no one hankers for victory more than Greece - even if it means a win costs them the health of their economy.

A leaked dossier from the Greek Home Office has revealed the true reason behind the country’s multi-billion euro debt: the struggling Mediterranean country has spent a total of 300 billion euros financing its Eurovision efforts over the past 25 years, running over budget by an average of 11 billion euros each year.

As well as bribing officials and wining and dining judges, the Greek Eurovision Agency hired mathematicians and scientists to uncover the secret behind past winners’ successes. But their efforts have netted them just one win since the country first began competing in 1974: Elena Paparizou’s 2005 win with My Number One.

Elena Paparizou wows Eurovision judges in 2005.

A reluctant spokesperson from the agency, who declined to be named, said the department was set up in 1985 to “guarantee” a win for the country. “Each Eurovision winner has brought untold wealth to their country,” he said. “We figured the money would be well spent if we could manufacture another Katrina and the Waves, or a Bucks Fizz.” What the agency discovered, however, is that Greeks have no natural talent. “Apart from Elena [Paparizou], who only won because she showed the judges her knickers, we’re a talentless bunch of no-hopers.”

But as Greece faces up to three years of recession and a monstrous debt, the government is saying enough is enough and funding for the GEA has come to an end. The country’s final hope rests on George Alkaios & Friends, performing their song OPA tonight in the final. If Alkaios wins, the Eurovision prize money, coincidentally 300 billion euro, will fix his country’s problems forever.

No pressure, then. But if anyone’s equipped to deal with this situation, it’s Alkaios. Plucked from his destitute mountain shack in infancy by Greek Eurovision Agency scouts, Thirty eight-year-old Alkaios has been in training for this moment his whole life. The singer was brought up in a clandestine performing arts academy in the Greek mountains. From the beginning, he has been taught to communicate in song and until his first Eurovision audition had never heard a spoken voice.

Most experts agree that the song is "a bit shit," but watch the video and decide for yourself. The Eurovision final screens lives from Oslo tonight.