We don't give a shit about oil spill, say BP

Oil giant BP today announced that they “don’t give a shit” about the effects of the catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Twenty million gallons of oil have pumped into the gulf following an explosion on the Deepwater Horizon oil rig six weeks ago, which resulted in the deaths of 11 workers. Yesterday officials declared the incident the worst environmental disaster the US has ever faced.

But BP chief operating officer Doug Suttles says the company really couldn’t care less. “It turns out we’re covered by insurance – so my bonus will be safe this year,” he said. When asked about the impact of the spill on the environment, Suttles replied “tough titties”. “It’s just a bunch of birds and fish, essentially parasites who contribute absolutely nothing to the world.”

Can't fly? 'Tough titties', says BP.

It’s not the first time Suttles has come under fire for his laissez faire attitude to green issues. In 2004 he was snapped eating what is now thought to be the last remaining Chinese river dolphin. In 2007 he appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show, where he railed against the practice of recycling, claiming that only “hippies and gays” bothered to separate plastic from paper.

Suttles’ views have angered environmental groups. Greenpeace CEO Martin Clunes said the COO’s outburst is “shocking and insulting”. “Suttles needs to wake up and smell the petroleum,” Clunes said. “The situation needs to be rectified quickly, before the oil enters animals’ genes and causes mutation, resulting in a new order of souped-up animals capable of destroying mankind completely.”