Police Ban on Genitals

The Police force came under scrutiny this week for having inappropriate genitals.

Chiefs are to impose a major crack-down on police genitals such as cock and flange, but will also ban nipples and bums. At a press conference this morning, Chief Superintendent Percy Forncloth said “officers are unable to catch criminals because their genitals get in the way”.

He went on to say, “the police force should have smooth areas like Action Man, Barbie and The Smurfs”.

Police have been ordered to remove all genitalia of an appropriate nature by the end of the year.

Officers say they should be allowed to decide whether or not they have genitals while catching criminals. “I love my cock and never get it out when I’m chasing robbers, it’s not fair”, an angry officer told Gusset News today.

The Police Force say they will carry out random spot checks next year. Any officers with genitalia shall be removed from the beat and made to do filing, tea-making or filling in forms.

Muff to be banned say Tories

A ban on muff has been proposed as part of the new ConDem Government's crackdown on any potential labour voters being born.

Chastity belts will be strapped to all women by male MPs, determined to prevent the birth of thousands of new leftie voters.

Ross Kemp, the secretary of state for sex, told Gusset Muncher, "according to the chief medical officer, half the British public owns a muff and that’s a fact."

Kemp added, "intercourse often results in tears and babies, as well as thousands of depressing Channel 4 dramas with working class people. Banning muff is the only way forward.”

Regular user of muff and deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said, "I love muff but we all have to make sacrifices. We can either import neutered Romany prostitutes at a cost of hundreds of pence, or we can tackle the heart of the problem - the existence of muff."

Government sources say muff will likely be banned until 2014.