Royal Mail releases Jade Goody stamps

The Royal Mail releases its Jade Goody collection of stamps to 'highlight the declining reality TV star population'.

With this year seeing the last ever Big Brother and the increase of already established Z-List celebrities entering reality TV shows, the Royal Mail presents its series of stamps that show the worrying decline of wannabes and nobodies who enlighten our lives.

Four beautiful images of Jade Goody Royal Mail stamps will go on sale next week and stamp collectors have already started camping outside local post offices in anticipation of their release.

''Great Britain is gonna like well suffer with the loss of great stars like us. Can I plug my new cologne?” said Ziggy from Big Brother 8

“Who will open our local supermarkets and tell us what to wear?” blurted Maureen from Driving School.

Royal Mail's head of special stamps, Stacy Chugnut, said “the images have been designed to inspire children everywhere to become famous for  doing absolutely nothing...

 SCRATCH n SNIFF

"...we are also delighted that new technology has meant the new editions taste of kebabs when you lick them. Jade would have loved them”.

Simon Suffers Mediocre Heart Attack After Counting Cash

Entrepreneur of mediocre pop Simon Cowell suffered a heart attack on Saturday after four and a half months of intensive money counting.

Simon had been counting his money intensively for 12 hours every day since 12^th December 2009 but lost count while numbers were announced during last Saturday’s National Lottery.

Mediocre friend Cheryl Cole said “he was well gootted leek, he got to £111,321,647.87 and then sooddenly he lost where he was and could’nae start ageen. I can tootally understand whyeee got soo mad leek”.

Medics at St Thomas’ hospital in London said last night that his anger and rage caused a severe spasm of the coronary artery causing a mediocre heart attack “we are keeping him away from things that make him angry such as the Lloyds TSB advert and Duncan Bannatyne, who has more money than him”.

Close relatives and friends were concerned that Cowell, aged 64, had locked himself away since before Christmas to count his money. 

“He divan’t wanna come oot soo we joost livum there leek”, said Cheryl. He apparently only surfaced to eat dinner and watch ‘Deal or No Deal’.

It was alleged last night that he only had just one more piggy bank left to count.

Nick Griffin claims Holocaust was just a Bump in the Night

BNP Leader Nick Griffin has come under scrutiny today for backing a report made by Holocaust denier Heinrich Kochhuth. The report claims new evidence proves the 'alleged' Holocaust happened as result of ‘Nazi Holiday Camps’ being built on ancient Indian burial grounds. It may sound like a plot from an 80’s horror movie but Nick Griffin said “the report is legitimate and even has a watermark”.

Holocaust Deniers, who prefer to be called Holocaust Rebuffers, claim that the Holocaust was a hoax and have welcomed the report. Griffin argues that “since there were no memorandums sent by Hitler asking for the Jews to be killed and all that, it can’t possibly have happened or even be true. I mean derrr!”

The report states that “many ancient Indian corpses were sent to Germany after the first world war because the US was running out of space. Holiday camps such as Auschwitz were then built over the sites and builders even reported paranormal activity at the time. The Jews, gays and mongs were then housed in the camps so that they didn’t have all the bother and grief with fighting the war”

Angry Scouse Ghost Botherer and Holocaust Denier Prof. Derek Acorah quoted “Ancient Indian ghosts are pretty hardcore and have been known to break pencils as well as cause human death” he went on to explain that “In Long Island, New York in 1977 a family of five were killed days after their creepy looking house was plagued by flies. Even the local murderers were scared of the house”

9/11 - Just a Bunch of Ghosts?

The report also claims that the land the Twin Towers was built on was the Tunican Indian burial site and that the disaster was a result of a strong paranormal ‘jump lead’ reflected by the recent drop in share prices at the time. Staff in the Towers also reported occasional paranormal activity. Jason Wingnut, an accounts assistant for KPMG said “sometimes my stapler would go missing and once I saw a pen move”. Other staff reported that their sandwiches went off very quickly in the North Tower but went off normally in the South Tower. Tracy Scroterott from the South Tower reported “once there was a girl trapped in a toilet cubical screaming she was afraid of the light”.

Griffin has been criticised for backing this report in order to gain votes from the anti-Semitic community. The debate continues.

Cameron ‘ballistic’ over Dib Dabs

As David Cameron prepared for his final face-to-face with Gordon Brown in the House of Commons yesterday there was just one thing on his mind. It wasn’t the big questions about tax or spending, or the anticipation of Gordon Brown’s ill-tempered jibes. It was a packet of fine white powder hidden in the top drawer of his desk.

David Cameron has developed an addiction to Dib Dabs, a bag of sherbert with a hard lolly on a stick that is repeatedly sucked and dipped into the dry, sweet powder. And it's a habit that his staff believe is pushing him over the edge.

Cameron’s addiction to the sugary sweet is spiralling out of control, sources say. The father of four’s ten-pack-a-day habit sees him dibbing at his desk, dabbing in the back of his stretch limo and sometimes dib dabbing late into the night whilst cackling over an old Eton yearbook and circling with red ink the chums he hopes to summon to his side when Tory victory is declared.

Cameron’s habit has left Tory Party drones fearful. “He’s constantly sending the work experience boy out to the corner shop,” one unnamed source said. “He times him and if he takes longer than five minutes he goes ballistic. The last lad quit because he wet himself with fright at the yelling. When Mr Cameron saw what had happened he rubbed the poor boy's nose in the mess like a naughty puppy.”

It’s well known that Cameron once dabbled in drugs, a fact which saw the Conservative leader widely condemned. Now, his frightened staff wish he would send out for some quality Moroccan hash instead of the rage-inducing Dib Dabs.

“When he smoked spliffs he’d play Barrington Levy records and do imitations of Boris Johnson and Maggie Thatcher and we’d all have a laugh,” the source said. “Now it’s Dib Dabs every day the laughter is gone and his eyes are all cold and empty.”

Pope Condemns New Scrabble Rules

Pope Benedict XVI has come under scrutiny today for condemning new Scrabble rules as “unfair, untraditional and an insult to Christian values”.

Mattel are bringing out a new version of Scrabble with new rules in July. Mattel’s spokesperson, Zach Chiara, whose name will be worth 87 points in a triple word score under the new rules, states that the rules will undoubtedly encourage youngsters to play and has called the Pope “a pompus old fart in a silly hat”.

OMG Wht a ld ov cbblrz

Until now no proper nouns were allowed whatsoever. As well as changing this ruling, Mattel have introduced new rules to allow text chat such as “LOL” and “mt u @ da stn m8” as well as sex noises such as “hmmmmm”, “ooooaaaahh” and “phwoorrr”.

Benedict XVI has been a fan of the game since it came out in 1786 and has reported that he will no longer play the game as his hobby and will encourage all Catholics and Christians to burn their boards, favouring more traditional family games such as Kerplunck, Guitar Hero, and Grand Theft Auto.

Noel Edmonds Hailed as Norfolk Knobber

Norwich Police have reopened the file on the spate of unsolved indecent exposures in the Norfolk area in the 1980s, with new DNA evidence pointing towards entertainer Noel Edmonds as the perpetrator.

Dubbed the Norfolk Knobber by the local press, the flasher was first spotted in late 1985, when several schoolchildren reported seeing a masked man exposing his genitals outside their school gate. When a teacher was summoned, the man fled.

The masked flasher was seen a further 45 times over the next four years, leaving parents fearing for their children’s safety. The Norwich Police were roundly criticised for their inability to apprehend the perpetrator and hysteria reached a fever pitch when a local man was beaten to death in a local shopping mall when shoppers mistook surreptitious crotch scratching for the beginnings of indecent exposure.

Descriptions of the flasher varied, but most children reported that the man was wearing a Noel Edmonds mask. The television entertainer was gaining fame as the host of Noel’s Telly Addicts during this period, and at the time was quoted as being “shocked and appalled” at the Norfolk Knobber’s exploits.

In 1989 the flasher exposed himself to 17 toddlers at Pertwee Preschool. A number of parents witnessed the incident and took chase. In his haste to escape, the flasher dropped his mask. It was to be the last flashing incident and a year later, Norwich Police closed the case.

In 2008, flashing victim Sue Conrad began a campaign to have the case reopened, insisting that DNA testing be carried out upon the mask, which had languished for almost 20 years in a police evidence lock up. The campaign grew in momentum, with a number of celebrity parents such as Victoria Beckham, Katie Price and Ronan Keating lending their voices to the emotional cause.

Norwich Police finally conceded, and several hairs found in the mask were sent away for analysis and entered into the National DNA Database. The results, which pointed to the DNA in the mask being 99.997 per cent identical to that of Noel Edmonds, have shocked the nation.

In an official statement from Norwich Police, Detective Rob Manson said the police would take this new evidence very seriously.

“The DNA evidence is certainly compelling, and Norwich Police will be looking into this further, in order to bring some closure to the Norfolk Knobber’s many victims.”

Manson said the police are “flabbergasted” by the use of the Noel Edmonds mask. “He must have seen [use of the mask] as an elaborate double bluff,” he said.

Twenty-eight-year-old Victim Sue Conrad said she was shocked and angry that the man she watched on television every weekend in Noel’s Telly Addicts could behave so indecently towards children.

“He needs to be strung up by his bollocks,” she said. “His exposure has affected my whole life; I’ve never had a boyfriend, never had a proper relationship, and cannot pass a school, park, playground or sweet shop without breaking down. Deal or No Deal was my favourite thing on TV and learning Edmonds may be the Norfolk Knobber has been like being abused all over again.”

Edmonds’ agent Jane Clifton has refused to comment, and the entertainer, said to be struggling financially since the cancellation of his show Noel’s HQ, is reported to be consulting a lawyer.