After his speech in Milton Keynes yesterday, David Cameron, one of our Prime Ministers, warned of the pain we would suffer for decades as a result of severe Government cutbacks that will ensure bankers continue to receive multi-million pound bonuses for doing such a great job of fucking it all up.
“We have some of the world's most astute financial brains working in our banking industry and it is imperative that we keep them. Without them our economy would be that of a third world country.” said a surprisingly upbeat Cameron.
When asked what he thought of the Ethiopian Benefit Concert being held in Addis Ababa to raise funds for UK families, Cameron said, “I think it’s a great idea and a great example of how we are all pulling together. Besides, it’s about time those thieving bastards started to pay us back and I’m not talking about a few bags of rice neither.”
In the spirit of belt-tightening, Cameron and Clegg have agreed to move into number 10 together in an effort to not only lead by example but to also reduce costs to the taxpayer.
Cameron said the pair will share the same office, secretary, car, security staff and iPhone. "We will also share a bed and have decided to leave our wives off the payroll and in their respective matrimonial homes”.
Cameron has denied the move is a publicity stunt and said there was no truth in the rumours that Nick Clegg is his "fag". "The fact that we are now sharing the same dwelling and indeed the same bed is purely to show that we mean business in getting the economy back on its feet. The fact that Nick may occasionally be awoken by a prodding in his back is not strictly my fault as I can not legally be held responsible for an involuntary reflex. But again I would like to add that this is also a strong signal to the British people that, Nick is as just prepared to take one up the Khyber as they have been for the last few years under a Labour cabinet”.
When asked if the British public were getting a raw deal, Cameron answered, “we may not have been voted into power but lets face it who has? I think the British people are definitely getting their moneys worth; two Prime Ministers for the price of one. The point of being voted into number 10 or not is moot, we’re looking at pure value here”.
The other Prime Minister, Nick Clegg was unavailable for comment as he was replacing number 10’s curtains with some rather fetching Laura Ashley designer ones and purchasing His & His towels.
MINCH NORTON
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